Marriage

Posted on | August 7, 2017 | 2 Comments

With several looped around each hand, the grocery bags leave red circles against my wrists.

“Darling,” he shook his head, “I can help with that.”

I shrug, weighed down but smiling.

“It’s no problem,” I smile, keeping my eyes averted so he won’t see the truth. “I can get it.”

The bags pile up on the table, load after load. Slowly, I unpack them, placing items one by one into nooks and crannies. Saving them to pull out later. Saving them to wave in his face with a flourish of “look what all I do for  you.”

I rub the circles into my skin, letting the marks remind me of my troubles, feeling the pain of plastic soak deep into my soul. Rings weighted with more than just groceries. Scars from a marriage prior, scars from so many broken things.

We argue later, voices raised, as I let his calm spiral and swoop around my Irish temper. I’ve been itching for a fight. I know it. He knows it. The faded rings on my wrists still there, where only I can see them.

The distance between us gets wider and wider, a chasm of silence as he slides into the bed beside me.

“I love you,” I want to say to this man who sighs with frustration yet love over my moods and baggage. I think about reaching out a hand, just to cross the distance, just to tell him without apologizing that I’m sorry.

I think too long. I always think too long.

His breathing deepens into a slight snore and I draw in a ragged breath. I waited too long to move or speak. The distance between us is so wide that I wonder if he’ll ever forgive me for the things I say, the bags I let pile up around us, the little odds and ends that I’ve hidden in the darkest corners of our lives.

I whisper an apology he won’t hear, an “I love you” he already knows despite this hole I’ve dug and filled with my insecurities.

I think for a moment that I will cry, that I will heave with sadness for the things I put him through, for the inevitable day when it’s too much and he packs his own bags to walk away.

And then with the slightest of movements, he reaches out a hand, fingers twining with my own. The pressure is slight but enough.

“I love you,” he says, without saying a word.

I love you, too.

Grace

Posted on | August 2, 2017 | 2 Comments

Grace: (1) Simple elegance; (2) Free and unmerited favor; (3) to do honor or credit to someone by one’s presence. 

Growing up in a Southern Baptist church, I heard a lot about Grace. Amazing Grace, “There but by the grace of God go I”,  “Come thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing thy grace”… and the list goes on and on. It’s like “God’s Grace” was a two by four and I was walloped with it twice a week for years on end.

Like most things in childhood, I believed I understood Grace and what it meant. I believed I had it all figured out. Yep, God loves me even though I’m not worthy. Got it. Put it in the bank. Totally understand. Because as a child we believe what we are told (or walloped with). We believe that the Grace of God exists because we are told that it does and because we sing about it at church and maybe because one time or another we did something wrong and cried out to God and suddenly felt better. That’s Grace, right? Letting God make you feel better when you break the rules because he still loves you no matter what. Grace.

Despite all the churching, I’ve still never believed I was worthy of much. If you’d asked me as a teen or young adult if I would ever get married, I would have sadly shaken my head “no” with the explanation that those sorts of things just didn’t happen to me. If I did manage to date, certainly no one would fall in love with me, because I am me, you know? I don’t deserve that sort of thing. And children? No. I would never be able to have kids because kids are wonderful and wonderful things don’t happen to people like me.

So you can imagine my surprise when I not only got married (twice) but also had two beautiful and healthy baby boys.

It was shocking.

It’s still shocking to me.

And when I look down in their eyes to kiss them goodbye on a school day or to tuck them snugly into bed at night, I realize that every single idea I ever had of Grace is wrong.

Parenthood may be the closest I will ever come to truly understanding God’s Grace.

I always understood the “not being worthy” part of Biblical Grace. But this feeling of not being worthy, coupled with not understanding why anyone would allow something so wonderful to occur to someone so completely ordinary? This is what all those men so long ago tried to put into the Bible. This is what they tried to explain to the masses… that something extraordinary could and did happen not because we deserved it. Not because we did something amazing and worthy and brought down the Grace of God like a medal at the end of a long race. No. It is Grace… not in spite of our ordinary but because of it.

Every single time I look at my boys I am stunned and spellbound by their sheer existence. It’s like they’re magic… little sparks of wonderful that were entrusted to me through absolutely no fault or success of my own.

I still don’t believe I’m worthy of the blessings that have fallen my way… but I’ve realized it’s quite simply because I’m not. There’s nothing inside of me that gives me a leg up or a step closer to the small successes I’ve reached in life. Believing in God, believing in myself, believing in anything hasn’t and won’t secure for me a hefty bank account or a better job or a happier life.

All that I am and all that I have has been handed to me by free and unmerited favor.

Nothing I could have ever done or will ever do would make me worthy of being called “Mom,” and that, my friends? Is Grace.

Simple.

Elegant.

Bestowed upon me through no fault or success of my own.

An honor just to be present with two such amazing souls who bestow favor on me by their very presence in my life.

All the riches of the world, wrapped up in two little boy smiles.

 

#survive

Posted on | July 27, 2017 | 4 Comments

This morning, about fifteen minutes before it was time for my oldest to leave for camp, he informed me he didn’t have any clean athletic shorts. I walked into his room and saw that his dirty clothes basket had basically birthed quintuplets of dirty clothes.

“You didn’t wash my clothes,” he mumbled under his breath, sliding me firmly into the position I most often find myself: no matter how many things I do, it’s always the one or two things I don’t do that stand out.

Mothering is the ultimate self-esteem check.

No matter how hard I try, there’s never even one single moment when I have everything together. It’s always, at best, a 75% success rate and that’s basically when I only have four things to do which is … never. This morning alone, I had a list of a billion and a half things and I accomplished exactly four of them: I got both kids and myself out the door and I remembered to let the dogs inside. Sure, it took getting in the car and backing half way down the driveway while my two sweet pups stared forlornly at me from the backyard before I remembered to let them in, but dammit I remembered eventually! I even remembered to toss a bag of pop tarts in my purse for breakfast which is good because I discovered when I ran out of time for my breakfast yesterday that my office supply of food has dwindled to half a bag of croutons and two jars of blue cheese dressing.

I know that I can’t expect to do it all just like I can’t expect to have it all, but all that “knowing” doesn’t stop me from trying. I run around like a crazy lady, slapping on mascara while bouncing a baby on my hip, pulling together a processed food lunch for J that makes me feel like the worst mom ever except FEEDING HIM so there, and sometimes… SOMETIMES remembering to make myself a second cup of coffee and food of some sort. Banks would help if I asked, but most of the time everything is in such a delicate balance, including my sanity, that I fear letting him take something off my shoulders would only cause everything, including me, to fall apart.

Here in the office, there’s an overflowing in box and emails that need to be read. There’s an item that needs to be boxed up to return before tomorrow, and a delivery man that has to be met at the house at some point today for the delivery of the new dishwasher. There’s a list of eight phone calls to return and a brief to finish and several odds and ends that need tying up. Then when all that’s either finished or put aside for tomorrow, there’s that pile of laundry waiting on me so that there are clean shorts for tomorrow. And a dishwasher that needs to be hooked up so that I can stop hand washing all the dishes. And a floor full of crumbs to sweep. And a toilet that needs repairing. And sheets that need to be changed. And beds that need to be made.

Above all that, there are children that need to be loved and held and cuddled and read to. And a husband who deserves attention and love as well.

Then, let’s face it, at some point tomorrow morning, something I haven’t even thought of yet will de-rail it all and one or more of my family members will give me that look of disappointment that says “Why couldn’t you get this done” and I will spend the day making mental lists all over again so that no laundry is left behind.

So all of that? That is why I was totally NOT crying in the parking lot of daycare… if anyone was wondering.

 

 

Madness and Mayhem

Posted on | July 26, 2017 | No Comments

This knee-deep in baby is harder than I remembered. Yes of course I’d stand on my head for one of his laser beam smiles but those moments when I want to put him down and walk away? Those are there, too… like when he’s nursing and spends the entire time pinching the tender skin on the side of my breast or violently kicking my arm. Or when he lunges back in my arms and strikes my nose with a force that brings tears.

I’m so tired that I feel shrouded in a hazy cloud even when I’m awake, muddling through meetings and phone calls with a plastered on smile and nodding like one of those drinking birds even and especially when I’ve tuned out the entire conversation and am mentally just counting the moments until they stop talking and I can sink back into the murky waters of my own mind.

There are days when I’m not sure I’ve actually left the house much less worked eight plus hours and I can’t remember who or what was discussed or completed during my time in the office. It’s like my world has shrunk to the size of a 14 pound baby and my days begin and end with the slit of his half open or half closed eyes. It isn’t a bad thing… it’s just not exactly a good thing either, you know?

I wouldn’t trade my family for the world. But the bottles in the sink and the full diaper genie and the pile of diapers that didn’t fit in the full diaper genie and the spit up and the dirty clothes on the floor and the crumbs in the car and the whining and the back talk and and and? Those I would trade. For an hour. Or a day. Or a week. Or just long enough to remember that those are part of the magic and mayhem of childhood and parenthood. One more wet and sudsy hand wiped against my brow, one more shirt covered in dried spit up, one more load of laundry… inseparable from one more kiss good night, one more “good morning” snuggle, one more delicious grin and giggle.

Parenting is a trade off… so much exchanged for so much more. No more late nights laughing with the husband, but so many more evenings playing board games with an overly competitive 7 year old, or afternoons spent lying on a play mat watching a baby kick. Entertainment is different, better and worse.

Everything is different, for better or worse.

Some days I want to run away. Some days I think if I could just get back to the place where things are ordered and organized, I could start over again. Maybe I could twist my brain on tighter and be better at lawyering and mothering and spousing and well, life.

Then the baby laughs and the seven year old tells the world’s worst knock knock joke and suddenly this is just exactly right. This mad and discordant life we’re living is just exactly what it’s supposed to be: it’s messy and disorganized and beautifully insane and really, that’s all that we can hope for as parents and people. Because children, like life, will never be ironed and pressed. They’ll always be just exactly who they are: smelly, messy, whiny, crazy, beautiful, charming, hilarious, disastrous mini-versions of all the people they love.

And deep down, we wouldn’t trade them… even on the days we think we might.

Woman in the Mirror

Posted on | July 13, 2017 | No Comments

Maybe it’s because forty is looming close on my horizon and maybe it’s because I have two friends who are expecting little girls at the end of this year, but for whatever reason there is suddenly an unquenchable thirst in my soul for feminism the way it ought to be.

I have begun to feel overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of things that need to be accomplished, the vast reach of wrongness in the world, especially as it relates to our women and girls. Perhaps it takes age to see it all; to truly appreciate the scope of oppression that is heaved onto us by our society. When you’re young, it just seems normal. Of course our music talks about passing women around like joints and refers to them primarily in terms of what they look like, what the parts of their anatomy have to offer and not the parts of their soul. Of course our churches often shun females as ministers and refuse to recognize female opinions on things like bodily autonomy. Of course advertisements use scantily clad females to sell items that have nothing to do with women at all. Of course we are taught in church and school and at home that women should cover up and keep quiet and smile even when we want to scream.

Especially when we want to scream.

Of course.

Please and thank you, the school girl I was would say and then smile and nod and turn up the music that violently debased myself and the women around me. “It’s just a song,” I’d say. “It’s funny,” I’d add, in that flippant school girl way.

But I’m not a school girl anymore. And I’m tired of watching school girls around me learn the same things I learned… that it’s okay for music to talk about women as objects, that it’s okay for television to show women as less than men, that it’s okay for our females to be paid less and work more than the men around them. That somehow by virtue of being women, we are supposed to handle everything with grace… keep the house clean, do the dishes, fold the clothes, cook the meals, rock the babies, and kiss our husbands passionately on the lips while vacuuming in an apron with a home-cooked dinner on the stove. Have a job? That’s nice. But don’t think you can get out of doing everything else that society thinks you’re supposed to do. It’s beaten into you from the moment you open your eyes… pink kitchen for girls, blue briefcase for boys.

It’s not okay to teach our girls  that they are less than whole without a man to take care of and not okay to teach our sons that they need a woman to take care of them. And if we aren’t talking about it, if we aren’t actively showing and teaching them what is true and right about the equality of men and women, then we have to know they are learning it from everything around them. Look pretty. Be thin. Get a boy to like you no matter what. But don’t have sex. (Unless you want a boy to like you because let’s face it, girls are only good for one thing and that’s all the sex they shouldn’t be having.)  But if you’re a boy? Have sex. Have lots of sex. With all those useless girls. I am so tired of hearing the way our culture talks about women, even in mainstream media: as though we aren’t people; as though our accomplishments don’t matter. As though we are little more than a piece of the person that Adam was once, a long long time ago. It’s so rare for it to be called out that today a trending story is that an intelligent man offered a simple correction when a reporter ignored female accomplishments. How is that news? The news should be that the reporter is either uninformed or an absolute moron, not that someone had the “feminist prowess” to force him to include “women” in his definition of “person”.

We are more than a piece of a man, my wonderful, funny, charming, beautiful sisters, mothers, and daughters.

We are whole and perfect and strong all by ourselves. We are the bearers of life; the bare foot goddesses of a time long forgotten because someone… SOMEONE decided that women maybe had too much power… once. We were, after all, self sufficient then. We were gatherers and hunters. We were leaders and followers. We were just the same as the men around us now. There was a time when women were at the head of the line, there to serve and even wash the feet of Jesus not because he considered them beneath him but because he considered them worthy… equal… as good or better than the men around him. Certainly they were more faithful. Certainly they were stronger in their beliefs and love of their savior than the man-child Peter and his ten best friends.

So why is it that somewhere along the way that was degraded? Why were we degraded?

And why has it taken us so long to recognize that degradation and do something about it?

We don’t have to stand for this. We don’t have to sign off on the advertisements, frequent the stores that perpetuate the degradation, raise our daughters and sons on the music that we were raised on.

It’s hard, I know.

It’s hard to break the cycle.

But forty is looming. And I have friends with daughters.

And in forty years, I don’t want them to look at me and ask me why it took so long.

 

Parenting Two

Posted on | June 6, 2017 | 5 Comments

Having two kids is no joke.

I feel like my life has devolved into one of those “check a box” notes with ever changing language.

“What do you want to succeed at today? Parenting a baby or Parenting a 7 year old?”

“Which job will you be good at today? Lawyering or mothering?”

I can’t do all the things I need to do and my head is constantly full of all that I’ve left off.

Yes, I made dinner… check. But the dishes didn’t get fully washed because the baby was screaming and there are crumbs on the floor and who had time for a shower last night… is that me I smell?! My hair got straightened this morning, but make up is sloppy, clothes are wrinkled, lunch is non-existent and who says Hershey’s doesn’t make an adequate breakfast bar?

I feel like I’m drowning, y’all. Just flat out drowning. And Banks is doing everything he can to help, but there’s only so much he can do… because he doesn’t make milk and works an hour away from home. So most of the pick up, drop off, fight fight fight, is left to dear old me while he sidles to his quiet car and meanders down the road to Milledgeville.  At work, I’d venture a guess that he’s focused on actual work… while I’m spending my days weighing out what is most important among all the crazy mom/lawyer/wife/homeowner jazz and just getting THAT done, damn the rest, damn the mess, and damn it all to hell and back.

How do you guys do this? How do I see your homes all shiny and perfect like a Martha Stewart showcase, your kids all well dressed in clothes without stains and rips and wrinkles? How do you do family dinners and family outings where the children are actually smiling and having fun? Because my family outings are more like a horror movie with tears in place of blood and lots of angry glances and yelled “YOU ARE HAVING FUN, DAMMIT, THIS IS WHAT FAMILIES DO SO ENJOY EVERY DAGGUM MINUTE OR WE ARE GOING HOME.” And then we get home and while all you good parents are doing crafts and tossing the football back and forth like a damn J Crew catalog photo, I’m turning on the television to whatever seems least likely to teach my kid swear words, and sinking into a chair to breathe (or cry. or drink.) for five minutes before we start this whole rush rush rush thing again.

I love my boys.

I love my life.

But I think I need a live-in nanny, a cook, a cleaner, a masseuse, and someone to just have the job of opening my booze.

I don’t know how y’all do this.

Seven Minutes

Posted on | May 31, 2017 | No Comments

As luck would have it, the first week of daycare for C coincides with the first week of summer camp for J. This means that I get to take C downtown to daycare then drive all the way up to north Macon to drop J off at his camp. My morning routine, which during the school year would be a mere 12-15 minute excursion to both school and daycare, is now a 45-50 minute sprawling hustle between locations to try to make it to work on time. So far, I’ve failed both mornings, with today missing the mark by only 10 minutes. I’m getting closer to having it down pat, I guess.

It’s exhausting doing this stretch, I have to admit. It was far easier when the only thing I had to do in the mornings was drop J off at school with a smile from my pajama-clad self, then slowly wind my way back home to sit and snuggle a perfectly happy baby. This hurry up and drop them both off then get to work to do all the things then hurry to pick them both up only to get J to whatever sport he’s currently involved in (right now, soccer try outs), then magically whip up a healthy dinner for the three of us who eat food while simultaneously holding a needy baby, cleaning all the day’s bottles, packing lunches, cleaning clothes, and straightening up from all of that? This crazy is for the birds.

And sometimes, when I wave bye to J as he disappears over the crest of the hill to day camp, I have to admit I breathe a little sigh of relief. Even though I miss my boys when they’re not with me. Even though I love my boys more than life. But for the 7 minutes after I drop him off and before I step into the parking lot at work, I get to turn the radio way up and play music that reminds me of times when I was younger and more carefree. This morning, my Spotify playlist shouted “GOOD EVENING SAPPHIRE!” and suddenly I was a young 20 something, clad in smaller and less work appropriate clothes, screaming with the crowd at the old Sapphire club in Orlando as Big Sky took the stage and belted out “Slow.” For the length of the song, I wasn’t a mom of two trying to keep her head screwed on tight… I was just Karen… just a girl straight out of college who believed the world was at her feet and she could be anything. Even a lawyer. Even a wife. Even a mom.

Those twenty-something’s dreams and more came true… peppered with her fair share of heart aches. And yes, I should spend every waking minute counting my blessings and remembering that being “just Karen” out of college had it’s own challenges and difficulties. But sometimes, I still need the reminder that I am more than this rat race… more than pumps and blazers and spit up and bottles. More than “hurry up!” and “Brush your teeth!” I am still that girl who loves live music, loves to dance, loves to raise a beer bottle high in the air, throw her head back and laugh until her sides ache. I need that reminder… Even if it is only seven minutes long… the distance between summer camp and work.

The distance between barely 21 and nearly 40.

Because that distance just gets bigger every day. And one day, it may take more than a song to remind me that I am more than “mom.”

Age is… more than a Number. (Sorry, Aaliyah.)

Posted on | May 18, 2017 | No Comments

Misery.

Woe.

Death awaits.

An AARP card away from smushed prunes and Depends.

Lately, I’ve noticed myself re-telling the same stories, watching that glazed over look that Millenials get when the “old folks” are speaking flash across the faces of my law clerks. Law clerks who were born in the 90’s and who insist on calling me “ma’am” with that mixture of respect and separation. I can see it in their eyes…  the sense that they are different. The understanding that they are young and I… well… I am something altogether else.

“I’m hip!” I want to yell, breaking out my best Austin Powers in my mind… just before the realization sinks in that Austin Powers came out when they were in pre-school. It’s no longer a relevant cultural reference. I am hovering on the edge of a realization that I am… not young. But merely hovering.

After all, I had Doritos for lunch.

Doritos are hardly an “old person” food.

My seven year old loves Doritos. Wait… does referencing my child make me older or younger?

Shoot.

Stop me if you’ve heard this.

Just stop me in general.

Because it seems that I’m edging closer and closer to the precipice of a number I don’t particularly care to see at the top of my electronic medical records. It seems that regardless of how I feel on the inside, the rest of me… the outside shelf where I hang the face I show the world… it is changing. It is moving all too quickly towards that word, that THING I can’t begin to process that might just apply to me sooner rather than later. That scary little word that begins with an “O” and ends with an “LD.”

So naturally I rolled all the windows down and blasted Black Sheep on the way back to work. Because people of a certain age just don’t listen to 90’s rap, right? So I can’t possibly be a person of a certain age, no matter what is popping up around me, right? Right?

I’m still hip. Even if Austin Powers is not.

Right?

Have I told you this before?

Where was I?

Do you know where I put my keys?

Sigh.

I found my first white hair today.

Cheating at Motherhood

Posted on | May 17, 2017 | 2 Comments

Let me let you in on a little secret… parenting Baby C sort of feels a lot like cheating.

When J was a baby… I was a wreck. He never slept. He cried… constantly. I was so stressed out that I got shingles several weeks after returning to work. If I’m being honest, it’s probably best that there were seven years to gloss over all that before discussions of another baby or I would have said “No and no thank you again.”

Now, when I’m out with C, and people say things like “Oh you are so put together! I barely had time to wash my hair as a new mom!” I smile and wave it off like it was just some miracle occurrence that one particular day. But I have to admit that it’s not been all that hard to wash my hair.

Or eat.

Or sleep.

Or do any of the things that new moms struggle to do.

Because Baby C is… basically perfect. I mean, when it comes to baby things. But I don’t like to tell people that because no one wants to be the mom who is flouncing around bragging about how easy she has it.

Instead, I feel like I should apologize to other moms… maybe remind them that J was so tough or lie and say that I didn’t sleep at all last night. Because no one wants the answer to “How does he sleep?” to be “Like a damn angel, thanks. I am working on full sleep every night and I feel like a goddess.” No one wants to hear that. Moms want to commiserate. We want to be able to roll our eyes and say “whatever” to the people who tell us that their babies are perfect and “Cry it out” or “Ferber” or whatever method is out there is the magic tool that got them through parenthood unscathed and ready to try again. No one wants to be the mom everyone is rolling their eyes at; I don’t want to be the mom everyone is rolling their eyes at!

Except… maybe I’m okay with it… at least a little. If it means all this glorious sleep.

From the get go, C slept three plus hours at a time at night, gradually increasing to now when he sleeps 6 or 7 hours straight. He only cries when he’s tired or hungry and even then it’s short lived. He’s the happiest baby… all smiles and coos… and while 90% of me is thankful there is that 10% that feels like I’m genuinely cheating at motherhood.

Where are those sleepless nights?

Where are all the spit stained clothes?

Why did I have time to put on make up and straighten my hair?

Don’t get me wrong… I’m not asking for a re-do. This calm, sweet, easy baby is just what the doctor ordered for a frazzled, over-worked, “hurry up because it’s time for baseball/soccer/swimming/tennis/basketball/whatever and ever amen” Mom. But I keep thinking there’s like this giant, hovering “other shoe” somewhere out there that is biding it’s time before stomping forcefully on my head and sending me spiraling down into the world of “Why didn’t I keep my mouth shut?”

I feel a little bad, but I will say this… I’ve done nothing right with this baby. I haven’t followed any magic method unless you count “throw him in the car seat and go go go” as a method. I haven’t let him cry it out and he’s not sleeping in his nursery alone. I didn’t sleep train or put cereal in the bottle or whatever other tricks are out there that some moms swear by. I just got lucky. He just… came this way. And I’m thankful.

Even though it feels a little like cheating.

Introducing Baby C!

Posted on | May 10, 2017 | 6 Comments

I’d love to tell you the number of times I sat down to write and then walked away, but I just can’t recall. There were that many.

See… there’s a ton I want to say but there’s just never enough time. And if there is time, the words don’t feel right.

Here I am, 39, with a second baby I never thought I’d have, and he’s just this little ball of perfect that takes my breath away every time I look at him. But when I try to write about it, it feels silly and fluffy like a sustenance free puff of cotton candy or a whirl of dandelion seeds on the wind. I just can’t put into words what all of this means.

It’s not that it’s easy… it’s just that it’s such a sweetly unexpected surprise that I don’t mind the hard. I cherish the 4am feeding. I marvel at the diaper changes. I embrace the craziness that is getting two children and myself ready to face a day. So all that’s really left to explain is how we got here… how I went from “Dear God I’m so pregnant” to “Oh wow he’s amazing.”

If you read the last post, you know I had a scheduled C-section. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to have what happened last time… the fear, the panic, the “Put her out entirely because she’s trying to get up off the table.” But this time was different. Banks was there, and he was fully committed to keeping me panic-free… or at least as panic free as possible when you’re strapped to a table and people are slicing you open just below a thin blue curtain. It wasn’t easy… I opted for the spinal block instead of the epidural which was by far the best possible choice… but I still felt an awful lot like passing out for at least 79% of the procedure. Banks stayed beside me, holding my hand, telling me how great I was doing, and refraining from asking the doctors which of my internal organs was currently in their hands. I made it, though. All the way to the end. Fully awake and ready to meet my newest munchkin.

When Baby C was finally born, they held him up to the side, all red and angry, then whisked him away. I guess I should have known that something was off, but honestly I was just so happy to not have them pulling on my insides that I didn’t think twice when Banks left my side to join C in the back. After a few moments, my husband was back, taking my hand and assuring me that everything was fine but that C needed to go to the NICU for a bit. He made it all seem normal and hell, I was riding high on not being pregnant any more, so I just smiled and nodded.

Turns out, C had a little trouble breathing. Nothing serious, thank God, but enough that he had to spend his first night in the NICU. I was able to get to him around 5pm, only because I’d opted for the spinal block instead of the epidural, and was able to feel my legs and get them moving. We stayed a while, but couldn’t hold him and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, to sit in that wheelchair and let my husband roll me away from my baby. He’d been out of my body for nine-ish hours and I hadn’t even held him.  I’m in awe of the moms who suffer through that distance for months on end. We were lucky. The next morning he was able to come to our room and we were released home the following day.

Everything since that moment has been… well… motherhood.

It’s poop and spit up and worrying and making silly noises and in general just feeling like I’m riding a wave of exhaustion and hormones that is carrying me somewhere I never knew I needed to be.

So you see… I couldn’t really find the time to write.

Because I didn’t want to miss a moment.

And now, inexplicably, my little C is two months old, and I’m back at work and everything is rushing around and changing diapers and taking kids here and there. I’m so busy I can barely find time to eat a full meal. The house is a little messier, the clothes stay dirty longer, the laundry hardly ever gets folded before it’s all wrinkly. It’s a roller coaster. There’s so much that doesn’t get done… so many things that fall through the cracks. And most days I’m barely hanging on by the time I get my hands on my baby at 5:30 in the evening. But even though I’m crazed and tired and my boobs are sore and my stomach looks like a sewn up kangaroo pouch… I’m still deliriously happy.  And I get the feeling I’m going to stay that way for a while. 

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  • Creative Commons License
    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at http://www.law-momma.com.
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