Posted on | January 28, 2010 | 1 Comment
I do not know how to juggle. And I mean that literally. I find juggling pretty fascinating but the idea of actually trying to throw things in a semi-circle while keeping at least one item in the air at all times is absolutely terrifying for me. Maybe it stems from my fear of heights, who knows. All I know is even trying to throw two things back and forth between my hands gets my heart rate up.
I guess that’s why I have never been good at figurative juggling. I tend to lean towards complete and total breakdown and sitting cross-legged on the floor with a half empty bottle of wine, a straw, and a giant slice of cake from Fresh Market… or in my dairy days, a slice of Vanilla Bean cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory. In short, I am not so good at handling stress. I like to have a project and finish it. I do no like to have seventeen projects and complete none of them.
Not an auspicious beginning to a career in the law, right? Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking when I chose this path. Especially now that I have J. It’s hard to come to work every day knowing that he’s at daycare and knowing that when I pick him up, he’s just going to want to eat and go to sleep. It’s even harder knowing that I struggle with my job and whether I even enjoy practicing law. Maybe if I were all “gung ho” about trial work and what not then I wouldn’t mind so much. But that’s just not the case. Some days I just sit in my office and stare at the pictures of him scattered around and wonder why I’m doing this.
Don’t get me wrong, I like being employed. I don’t know if I have the strength to be a stay at home mom. Yes, that’s right, it takes WAY more courage to be a SAHM than to come to work everyday. You may disagree with me, but I stick to that… and I’m gainfully employed. At least I have an escape. When I get tired of saying “Ba. Ba. Ba. Da. Da. Da.” and cleaning up the fifth spit up in four minutes, I know I can go to work and have adult conversation. When do SAHM’s get that? I have the utmost respect for them because both my mom and my sister did it/do it and they do it WELL. I can’t compete with that. After 8 weeks at home I was ready to get out and do something else.
But I’m not ready for all this craziness. Yesterday I made it all the way to work without spit up on me and I was so pleased with myself that I got out of the car and proceeded to spill hot coffee all over my cream pants. Did I go home and change? Not on your life. I just worked all day in pants that looked like I shat in them. The best thing about having THAT much brown all over you? No one wants to ask. So I made it through the day without one single person saying anything to me about the stains all over my pants.
And don’t get me started on exercise. I was supposed to go to the gym yesterday… you know, part of my apparently once a week exercise routine… but instead I had a claimant’s attorney start sending me stuff right at 4pm and straight on through until 5:30. I couldn’t leave early. I could barely leave “on time.” And I couldn’t go to the gym at 5:30 because J had to eat at 6. I joined a gym four weeks ago and have been three times. That’s not just sad, it’s pitiful. At that rate I’ll never be a teen model! I took off a long weekend in March for that half-marathon that I’m clearly not going to be competing in. Is it bad that I’m considering taking that long weekend off work anyway and turning it into “Karen’s Weekend Away?” And by “away” I mean take J to daycare on Thursday and spend the day cleaning. And then take him to daycare on Friday and eat bonbons all day. I could use some quality time with my DVR.
On top of all of the work at work and the lack of “me” time, I’m wondering how in the world other moms manage to keep a clean house. Seriously. I’d love some input. Because my house is NOT clean. I try to do as much as I can, but my sleep is precious to me because I’m not getting all that much. If I don’t go to bed by 9, then I’m not going to get more than about 4 hours of sleep because J is waking up so much. So when do I clean??? On Saturdays and Sundays I’m trying to cram in as much “mommy time” as possible with J because, lets face it, I don’t want his first words to be his daycare teacher’s name. There are places in my house I’m scared to go. That’s how bad it is. I manage to keep the clothes and the dishes clean. The nursery stays clean because that’s too important to let go, and I keep the kitchen clean. The rest of the house? Dear God send me a Merry Maid. We do good if we get the place vacuumed and my once a week bathroom cleaning has turned into “when is company coming so I can be forced to clean the bathroom?”
Maybe I’m just in need of some balancing lessons. Or juggling lessons. I’m certainly in need of something! Last night I realized that my precious dog who I love more than anything in the world except Husband and J, had no water. And I realized I didn’t know how long he’d been without water. That’s not a ball I want to drop again. Do they teach Life Juggling anywhere in Georgia? Sign me up, please.