Posted on | January 31, 2010 | No Comments
I am a perfectionist. I’ve tried REALLY hard not to be for most of my life, but the fact of the matter is, I want things to be perfect. I don’t want to lose a case, I don’t want to have a dirty house, I don’t want to miss my television shows, I want to look like I did in high school … I want everything to run, well, perfectly. It’s why motherhood has been such a challenge to me thus far. I am having to swallow a lot of complaints. And I mean A LOT.
Losing cases? Well that’s just going to happen. I don’t like it, but it happens. And yes, it puts me in a sour funk for days on end. As for the rest? Well, missing shows was hard… so I got a DVR. Problem solved. Having a dirty house is horrible. (see my prior post on that front) I haven’t figured out yet how to solve that one. I usually just come home from work and begin either slamming things around or whimpering until Husband asks what’s wrong and I can yell at him about how dirty everything is. And the body issues are a job for a full-time therapist so I won’t bore you with those. (If you’re a glutton for punishment, check out Post-Baby Body .)
All of those are things I’m learning (slowly) to deal with. But the thing that’s been the hardest for me is accepting imperfection in my son. Don’t get me wrong… I think he’s absolutely perfect just as he is. But it is a daily challenge not to check the milestone chart to see if he’s where he should be developmentally. It was a crushing blow to my ideal world when our pediatrician informed us that his skull didn’t close perfectly so he will have a permanent indentation right at his hairline. Is it noticeable? Probably only to me. I just keep wondering if some mean kid is going to stumble on it and call J “Buttface” for the rest of his life because of it. Great. I probably just gave some future kid an idea…
And that’s why it’s times like this where I thank God that I have a son first and not a daughter. Maybe this is a good way for me to learn to be a little less… demanding… and a little more accepting before (hopefully?) I have a little girl who will be forever scarred by my insistence on perfection. Boys can handle that stuff better, right? But I probably still shouldn’t call him ButtFace… at least not now.
I am having to take things day by day and try not to stress about little things like rolling over and sitting up unassisted. By the way, he’s 5 months old. He rolls over… occasionally, but never on demand. Should he roll more often? Who knows. And we’re still working on the sitting. He likes to topple over. I try not to let it stress me out. You’ll note, and I’ll admit, that I google on occasion. (okay. More than that.) But I’m a work in progress. Cut me some slack…. nobody’s perfect! 🙂 When my Mary Poppins tendencies kick in, I should just pour some more wine and turn up the volume on the radio. That’ll drown out the bitch … one way or another!