Calgon… take me away?

Posted on | February 4, 2010 | 2 Comments

That is where I need to be. This picture, circa November 2007, is from our Honeymoon to beautiful Maui. I NEED Maui right now. I need anywhere that has a swim-up bar and tiki torches. Hell, I’ll settle for a walk-up bar and citronella candles. And I can live without the candles.

I am a big pile of useless at work. The past few weeks I’ve felt like my brain is a meat grinder. I can’t wrap my head around any legal issues. I can’t seem to get rid of the stack of shit on my desk and my stack of documents in need of filing is reproducing like horny rabbits. I hate this. I hate not having a mind that functions past “who’s a cute baby? Who? You? You? Awwww. You so cute. Who’s mommy’s cutie.” That is the limit of my mental capacity and I feel like absolute shit about it. I realize full well that I am not carrying my share of the load at work. I realize full well that there are probably people higher than me on the letterhead who realize it, too. But no one wants to admit it out loud. Why? Because I’m a new mom. And because for the past two months I’ve been walking on eggshells just hoping to God that my precious son doesn’t have some horrible genetic disease.

So what happens now that I can put that worry out of my head? How do I re-gain control of my career and try to move forward? I seriously don’t know. I don’t know how to sit here and focus on this stack of papers that I don’t give a crap about. These people mean nothing to me. I don’t CARE if they get their workers’ compensation benefits. I don’t care if they don’t! I simply have ceased to care about my work. And that frightens me. In law school, a very old and very wise judge once told me, after a rousing moot court round where I turned the color of crushed tomatoes (THANKS Fair skin!), that being nervous was a good thing. He said that the day I stopped being nervous about giving an oral argument or doing a trial was the day I should stop practicing law.

I am not nervous about anything. I made a person. I made a person and held him inside of me for nine months and then someone sliced me open like a mango and pulled him out. And then he lived. Outside of my body. And he grew and grew and he smiles at me like I run this planet. And I don’t care about anything except making his life as wonderful as possible. Does that mean it’s time to hang up the panty hose and three inch heels? I could learn to live without the suits and phone calls and angry adjusters. I just couldn’t live without the paycheck.

So instead, I think I need a nice vacation. Somewhere to get my head on straight again. Maybe my mother in law is right. Maybe I need a weekend away from J… just me and Husband. Somewhere warm. *sigh* Someday.


2 Responses to “Calgon… take me away?”

  1. Anonymous
    February 4th, 2010 @ 10:35 pm

    Love your blog. It's very honest. Hope your bosses don't read it.

    I would liek a trip to Maui, too!

  2. Yesi
    February 9th, 2010 @ 8:48 pm

    I think your mother in law is right, a weekend away will certainly help reset your brain and give you the energy to keep going. Hubbie and I are heading to Vegas this Valentines Day weekend sans the little one and I can't tell you how giddy I am about the trip!

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