Feeling the Fail

Posted on | February 11, 2010 | 3 Comments

I feel like there is a giant FAIL on my forehead. Why? First, because I gave J formula last night. I didn’t want to do it; I really wanted to make it to six months with no supplements and I was just 12 days shy of that goal. I know I should be proud of myself for giving him solely breastmilk for five full months and mostly breastmilk after that, but I’m not. I feel like a big old failure. Especially because the only reason I supplemented is because I’m exhausted and I’m not producing enough milk to fix three bottles each day for daycare. Yesterday I had to take my first full bottle over to feed J at his 4pm feeding and then I proceeded to only pump 7.5 ounces for the rest of the day. Yeah. That’s 2.5 ounces shy of even TWO feedings. So I decided to supplement with formula so I could pump another bottle last night.

It shouldn’t be such a big deal to me but it is. I don’t just feel like I’ve let down J, I also feel like a big old waste of boobage. I mean seriously, these things are big enough that they ought to be able to feed the Northern hemisphere. Why couldn’t they hang on for two more weeks!?!? It’s just been such a disaster of a week. I couldn’t get my body to function on the lack of sleep and I just fell behind. And it’s only Thursday. So instead of his normal breastfeeding last night, I put my son to bed on a bottle of formula with no special bfing bond between us. Part of me just wanted to scoop him up and sleep with him on my chest just to regain some semblance of a bond. If I’m this bad about one bottle of formula, I don’t even want to think ahead to Kindergarten. I’ll probably try and stitch together a jumbo-sized “toddler” Bjorn and walk around with him strapped to my chest with his feet kicking my knees.

The worst part? He slept SO much better last night. Instead of waking up 10-12 times, he woke up twice. And easily went back to sleep. It felt like a slap in the face. (or the boob, whatever.)

My second FAIL for the day came last night when I was putting J to bed. I lost my temper. With a BABY. And not just any baby… my baby. He was crying for the five billionth time this week and I was at my wits end. I tried to keep it cool, but when he took his crazy baby claws and pinched the hell out of my neck, I had had enough. I pushed him away from me and said “NO!” as loud as I could. I know it’s not the worst that could happen, but who yells at a baby? Not that I think it scarred him. He just looked at me and laughed, which in retrospect is probably a good thing. I mean, I obviously have not yelled at him so much that he was worried… he just thought it was a new game. Nonetheless, as soon as I did it I called for Husband to come and get him. I was so embarrassed that I had to walk away and re-group. I haven’t gotten to that point with J since he was two weeks old and I was new to the whole sleep deprivation thing. Luckily, Husband stepped up last night and really helped out. But it didn’t make me feel much better about my second fail of the day. I wanted to beat myself with a cat of nine tails like one of those self-flagellation priests.

So Wednesday was a fail day. I’m hoping that today will find me regaining my Super-Mom title, but we’ll just have to wait and see. I never, EVER thought I’d say this, but if I can just get through this week my in-laws are coming for the weekend and I’m sure my mother in law will jump at the chance to stay up with a crying J. Here’s hoping, anyway.

Oh… and fyi, last night was the UNC vs. Duke game. I went to bed. It’s the first game I’ve missed in a long time. So I guess that’s a third FAIL as a Tar Heel fan. Three strikes… I’m out.


3 Responses to “Feeling the Fail”

  1. Queen Beth
    February 11th, 2010 @ 3:50 pm

    ((hugs)) Give yourself a hug Mommy! You're not a failure! We can't always be on our game. We're human too.

  2. Law Momma
    February 11th, 2010 @ 3:56 pm

    Don't be silly, Queen. We're not human… we're moms. 🙂 Thanks for the hugs.

  3. Cybil
    February 11th, 2010 @ 6:27 pm

    You are human girlfriend – you are absolutely NOT a failure! We have all been in that situation, and anyone who tells you they haven't is lying! Rest and feel better!

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at http://www.law-momma.com.
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