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I know you’re pretty busy … what with all the British kids… but if you’ll at least hear me out, you might find our home to be the perfect fit for you and your carpet bag (and super cool umbrella). We *really* need some help around here and your name is at the top of our short list. (That may be because Law Momma is a big fan of your music and secretly hopes Dick Van Dyke will come along.)

First, we are in need of someone who doesn’t mind sniffles, coughs, buckets of drool and poopie diapers. And when I say sniffles and coughs, I mean pretty regularly. And by buckets of drool, I mean literally, if we could strap a feed bag on J and collect this mess, we’d have water for days (not that we’d drink it, we’re not that strapped for activities.) I know you normally say “one afternoon off,” but we really need someone who can be on call 24 hours a day. Our little bundle of joy not only likes to play between the hours of 8 a.m. and 5 p.m., but also between midnight and 3 a.m. Some nights he may never even go to sleep… or so it seems. He spits up pretty regularly, too, so if you’re opposed to being soaked in vomit and drool, you need not respond. Additionally, his nails are out of control and he won’t let me file, clip or bite them into submission. Maybe you can do something with that? He’s starting to look like he’s been in a glass building that exploded. The daycare is going to call social services one of these days.

Second, our little family needs someone who doesn’t mind rolling up her sleeves. Things have sort of… been let go since August. There may be dog hair in the corners of the rooms. There may be coffee stains on the white counter tops. Don’t even ask about the bathrooms. And I’m not admitting anything, but if there were piles of laundry (clean on the bed, dirty on the floor) in the “guest bedroom” would you still take the job? How about if the windows in the house are streaked with almost a year’s worth of gunk? Still interested? The rug in the living room has stains on it… I’m embarrassed to say that I don’t have the energy to scrub it the way it needs to be scrubbed. But you’re pretty magical, you could do that finger snappy thing and get this place spit spot in minutes, right?

I can offer you a fairly unreasonable salary. Our current Nanny makes… nothing… but really works hard to keep the baby dressed in clean clothes. She does the best she can but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that she’s not the greatest. See, this isn’t her only job so she’s busy Monday through Friday with other endeavors. It’s been pretty difficult to convince her to do any housework on the weekends. We’re working on getting Daddy more involved and I think you have some experience in that realm. Maybe you could slap him around a little? This morning he managed to get up with us before 8 a.m. which was, lets face it, newsworthy. Of course, it took placing the baby on top of him in the bed and encouraging J to grab fistfuls of hair. But you’re no stranger to unconventional methods, right?

Here’s the bottom line. We’re desperate. If you want to take the baby into a chalk drawings or up on the rooftops of London… we don’t care. Take him wherever you want. Just bring him back clean and happy. And if, while you’re at it, you choose to slap on a new coat of paint on the baseboards or whip up the money to replace some roll-out windows, no one is going to complain. I’m at my wits end, Mary, and I think you’re just the right person to scrounge up my sanity. If you’re at all interested, you can just drop in. Anytime is good, day or night … I don’t sleep.

Lots of love,
Law Momma