True Confessions

Posted on | April 6, 2010 | 24 Comments

I have a confession to make. One that terrifies me to say out loud but one that I’m going to share with you anyway. It’s been on my mind for a while now, pretty much since I was approximately 18 weeks pregnant with J.

What is it? Glad you asked.

I’m scared to have another baby.

I don’t mean in the traditional “OMG I’m pregnant – how can we afford it- I’m gonna get fat – look at these stretch marks- oh labor AGAIN” scared.  What I mean is something different.

I’m terrified that when I get pregnant again… it’ll be another boy. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE having J. He is by far the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. But deep down in my soul … I want a little girl.

Why a little girl? I’ll give you several reasons:
1. Tea parties;
2. Cute clothes;
3. Hair bows;
4. Mandy’s daughter Harper dancing HERE.

Okay yeah, those are totally superficial reasons. But what it boils down to is simple… I want a little girl so bad it hurts my ovaries. So why am I scared? Because Husband and I are having two kids. That’s it. No more. Done and Done. Which means that when we decide to have another baby, that’s the last one.

And what if it’s not a girl???

I can honestly see myself bawling my eyes out at the doctor’s office during an ultrasound if they tell me it’s another boy. And how would I get past that? Could I get past that? Or would the rest of that imagined pregnancy be sad and miserable? It’s terrifying. I know I’m jumping ahead about a million steps but it really does worry me about getting pregnant again.

Rationally I know that when we cross that bridge, if it’s a boy, I will love him with all my heart, just like I do J…. but irrationally I think I’ll always secretly wish that my imagined second son was a girl. And that alone is enough to make me terrified of even thinking about a second child right now.

Go ahead and judge me for jumping ahead so far and already worrying about something I really have no control over. I can’t help it. Every time Husband and I even mention a second child I get an ache in my stomach. I’m that scared. I want a little girl THAT bad.

So there it is. My true confession of the day. What secrets are you holding onto?

Comments

24 Responses to “True Confessions”

  1. MrsPatterson
    April 6th, 2010 @ 12:56 pm

    Absolutely no judgement here. I feel the same way. I want a daughter SO bad. I have her name all picked out and everything. I've also been drooling over the Easter dresses in stores now.

  2. Ms. Diva
    April 6th, 2010 @ 1:01 pm

    Thank you for sharing your fears! I love my girls but not one of them is girlie! Shrimp is becoming more girlie as she is getting ready for high school but even that is hit and miss! Oh well!!

  3. Anne
    April 6th, 2010 @ 1:04 pm

    I totally get it. Since we already had a girl we both were hoping for a boy so we could have both. Noelle was disappointed to miss out on a little sister…but loves Nik a lot!

  4. KLZ
    April 6th, 2010 @ 1:06 pm

    This was damn brave of you – good for you!

    I'm scared to get pregnant again….because I'm afraid it might be our last kid. It's awful but I just can't imagine only seeing that first smile one more time. I'm tearing up just writing that.

    I never thought I'd be a "breeder" but I really love being a mom. I mean, where else can you get such funny stories about poop?

    Good luck to you – I'm rooting for you 🙂

  5. Blair@HeirtoBlair
    April 6th, 2010 @ 1:11 pm

    Absolutely ZERO judgment from me.

    I would be over the moon if #2 was a little girl. Nate would be even happier.

    but part of me wants a pack of boys just to piss of my mother-in-law.

  6. disastersindomesticity
    April 6th, 2010 @ 1:16 pm

    I can understand where you are coming from. I thought I would react the same way when I found out we were having a boy. I didn't, probably because the moment I found out I was pregnant I just knew it was a boy. I have no idea how I knew, I just knew. So it was easy to come to terms with at the 20 week ultrasound. Now I can't imagine having a girl.

    DH and I talked about it, and I think it all has to do with what you have envisioned as being a mom your entire life. You played with girl dolls, you yourself are a girl and have a mother-daughter relationship. So it's no wonder when you pictured yourself as a mom it was with a daughter. So I think what you are feeling is only natural.

    Me on the other hand am scared of getting pregnant because I'm scared of having another kid, boy or girl. I don't know if I could go through it again…

  7. The Chandlers
    April 6th, 2010 @ 1:25 pm

    I feel the same way about wanting a boy. We're not set that our next one is the LAST one. But it's pretty likely. And I was a boy, a SON. So I understand, completely.

  8. Mama Pea
    April 6th, 2010 @ 1:38 pm

    I'm not ready for #2 yet!

  9. I'm Molly
    April 6th, 2010 @ 1:45 pm

    I am baking baby #2 right now. I have a 20 month old boy that I love more than life itself and guess what . . . baby #2 is a boy as well! DH and I are in your same boat. We are having two kids. That's all she wrote. There will not be a third baby. And even though I wasn't obsessed with the thought of having a little girl, deep down I thought it would be cool to have one of each. So was I a bit disappointed when we found out #2 was a boy. Not in the least. And I'll tell you why . . .

    Because during the big ultrasound we found out that there might be something wrong with our baby. Yep, down syndrome. So um, yeah, the boy/girl thing didn't even matter. I WEPT in the doctor's office for ever having that thought at all. Because I was forced to realize just how unimportant the penis/vagina ordeal is. We just wanted a healthy baby. It knocked me back to reality real quick.

    We couldn't be more excited to give our first little boy his best friend forever 😉

  10. Sara
    April 6th, 2010 @ 1:50 pm

    I'm with you. I don't think I'd be quite THAT upset with #2 being another boy, but my husband would be pretty upset. Our plan is two and done as well, but I think if that day came he'd be willing to go for three if that meant he'd get his little girl.

  11. houseofburks
    April 6th, 2010 @ 1:50 pm

    I want my next child to be a girl as well. I even have her name and bedding picked out. I want my hubby to have a daughter so badly. I wanted a boy first, so I'm very glad that CJ came along, but I openly admit that I hope and wish and pray that our next baby is a girl. We are planning on TTC this summer, so the pressure is on. Shettles, don't fail me now.

  12. ~*Jess*~
    April 6th, 2010 @ 2:50 pm

    OMG totally feel the same way, except I'm scared to have a boy. I love my girl and she is my buddy! I honestly don't know what I'd do with a boy. Besides the fact we've been so lucky with her. Easy pregnancy, easy delivery, easy breastfeeding, easy kid. She's awesome. I just don't know if I can do it! It's scary!!!!

  13. SugarPlumsMomma
    April 6th, 2010 @ 3:17 pm

    I'm scared that I will only get the one baby. I love our little girl to pieces and really want a sibling for her but Hubs is pretty set on only one child. I had to do a lot of convincing to get one – I should be happy with her, but I would dearly love to get pregnant again and be able to give her a little sister or brother.

  14. Laura
    April 6th, 2010 @ 4:05 pm

    I worry about having another girl. Roo is our princess, our sweet girl – if we have another how will that work? I want a boy so there aren't the comparisons.

  15. Cindy
    April 6th, 2010 @ 4:41 pm

    No judgement her! I have a couple friends saying the same thing! I am terrified of having a boy, okay I said it! I am sure I would learn though!!

  16. Katherine
    April 6th, 2010 @ 4:50 pm

    I know exactly what you mean, but in the opposite sense. I never wanted a girl. Ever. I wanted two boys. Period. So, the day of our ultra sound when I found out we were having a girl, I started bawling. The poor U-S-Tech looked at me and said, "Oh, is that what you wanted?" And all I could do was cry harder and louder and shake my head no.
    I absolutely feel you here. When we have number 2, we're done…and what if I have another girl? I've come to realize that little girls are amazing, but I still really really really want a little boy.

  17. Fave
    April 6th, 2010 @ 5:19 pm

    i have never been pregnant.
    and we want two kids.
    and i have this same anxiety of wanting one of each and waht if i get two of the same sex. i will love them, but it will make me sad, too.

  18. Melodramommy
    April 6th, 2010 @ 6:50 pm

    It's so brave of you to share your fears. I think the majority of us have felt that way in one aspect. I wanted two girls, and when I found out my second was a boy, at first to be completely honest, I was scared. But, my pregnancy turned out to be a great time of reflection and processing my fears. I absolutely LOVE my little boy. I'm praying you'll get your girl, but I have no doubts that should next one be a boy, you'll be the happiest mommy on the block either way.

  19. Kiki
    April 6th, 2010 @ 7:27 pm

    I've been following you for a while now, but never commented. I know the cliche' opener, but it's true.

    This hit me hard. We don't even have kids yet … we aren't even trying yet, but I'm so scared that we will end up with two boys. We are two and done. Josh would like 1, I'm open to 3. So two it is!

    But I desperately desperately want a girl. I want her first so that I can breath easily at the 2nd baby's gender US.

    If we have two boys I don't know what I'll do. I logically know I'll be over the moon with having kids (because I just really want to be a mom!).
    If we have two girls I would have no problem! Of course I want one of each ideally, but two girls would be amazing. Two boys… I just hope I don't wind up always wishing my second was a girl.

    p.s. I am really enjoying your blog! I am taking the LSAT this Oct and applying to law schools this fall. I really love reading about how you juggle a law career and a baby.
    I do have a question if you don't mind – I've had a lot of lawyers tell me that I should have my first in between 2L and 3L. Apparently it will be easier to juggle law school and a newborn rather than a new law career and a new born. What are your opinions?

    Sorry for the novel!

  20. Jen
    April 6th, 2010 @ 7:50 pm

    Zero judgement from me.

    After I had my son, I swore up & down I wanted all boys & I was scared to have a girl. Then I became pregnant with Emilia & truth be told I was so nervous/scared to have a daughter but the second the nurses handed her to me it was love. I love being able to shop for her, buy dresses, adorable shoes. She is just getting to the age where we can play pretend (we play a lot of restaurant & tea party now). I cannot wait for her to get older (err, wait, yes I can) so we can go shopping. BUT I am also nervous about the teenage years. I know how I was as a teenage & I can only expect more of the same.

    Enough rambling from me…summary: girls are awesome but if you have another boy it will still be just as awesome.

  21. E
    April 6th, 2010 @ 7:51 pm

    I'm pregnant with a 2nd girl and about a month ago I would have totally agreed with you. Then, we found out our baby has a potentially serious heart condition. Now, I couldn't care less, I just pray she's born healthy and has a normal life.

    Believe me when I say there are worse things than having two of the same sex. I'm not judging, just giving the other side of the coin.

  22. Jocelyn
    April 6th, 2010 @ 8:24 pm

    This makes me think of what my poor paternal grandmother went through back in the day. She had two boys during WW2. Then in 1945 my dad and his twin brother came out ("there's another one in there," said the doc). She always told us she cried every time after the first because they weren't girls. When my dad was 11 years old, they tried one more time. Out came my Uncle Bruce. His youngest is graduating from HS this year. She wound up raising five boys and never knew until the doctor handed her the baby what they were. But she LOVED her granddaughters….I miss my grandma and I am in awe of her.

  23. metta1313
    April 6th, 2010 @ 9:59 pm

    And I'm totally the other way b/c we already have a little girl…we would heart a little man, and we even have his name already…even though Abby was named 5 minutes after I gave birth b/c we couldn't decide. My hubs says if we have another girl our next dog will have to be a boy to balance things out since we also have a girl doggy. But I know my husband would be over the moon with another girl. It's so cute to see him with Abby. And of course, no judgments from me!

  24. Netty Cakes
    April 7th, 2010 @ 1:16 am

    Wow, talk about being in the same boat! Husband and I are preggers and it's our last and final bebe. My dream is to have 2 girls and if I have a boy I too will burst into tears in the ultrasound room.

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