Posted on | April 6, 2010 | 24 Comments
I have a confession to make. One that terrifies me to say out loud but one that I’m going to share with you anyway. It’s been on my mind for a while now, pretty much since I was approximately 18 weeks pregnant with J.
What is it? Glad you asked.
I’m scared to have another baby.
I don’t mean in the traditional “OMG I’m pregnant – how can we afford it- I’m gonna get fat – look at these stretch marks- oh labor AGAIN” scared. What I mean is something different.
I’m terrified that when I get pregnant again… it’ll be another boy. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE having J. He is by far the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. But deep down in my soul … I want a little girl.
Why a little girl? I’ll give you several reasons:
1. Tea parties;
2. Cute clothes;
3. Hair bows;
4. Mandy’s daughter Harper dancing HERE.
Okay yeah, those are totally superficial reasons. But what it boils down to is simple… I want a little girl so bad it hurts my ovaries. So why am I scared? Because Husband and I are having two kids. That’s it. No more. Done and Done. Which means that when we decide to have another baby, that’s the last one.
And what if it’s not a girl???
I can honestly see myself bawling my eyes out at the doctor’s office during an ultrasound if they tell me it’s another boy. And how would I get past that? Could I get past that? Or would the rest of that imagined pregnancy be sad and miserable? It’s terrifying. I know I’m jumping ahead about a million steps but it really does worry me about getting pregnant again.
Rationally I know that when we cross that bridge, if it’s a boy, I will love him with all my heart, just like I do J…. but irrationally I think I’ll always secretly wish that my imagined second son was a girl. And that alone is enough to make me terrified of even thinking about a second child right now.
Go ahead and judge me for jumping ahead so far and already worrying about something I really have no control over. I can’t help it. Every time Husband and I even mention a second child I get an ache in my stomach. I’m that scared. I want a little girl THAT bad.
So there it is. My true confession of the day. What secrets are you holding onto?