Posted on | April 20, 2010 | 17 Comments
I am in the process of forgetting my pregnancy. This must be the case because lately when I see pregnant women I think to myself “Awww, she’s pregnant! How sweet and wonderful!” If you knew me when I was pregnant that statement would make you laugh.
It worries me that I’m forgetting my pregnancy because it makes me wonder if I will forget the first few weeks of J’s life… and then the first few years… and then one day when J’s wife says to me “How did you get through it?” I will say without batting an eye “It wasn’t that bad” and I’ll mean it. I’ll mean it because I’ll have forgotten. And I don’t want to forget.
So what is my recourse? It’s this blog. This is what I have to lay it all out and remind myself what it was really like before it all become sugar coated and perfect like Cybil’s mother’s birth story. If you’re pregnant or thinking about getting pregnant for the first time and you don’t wanna know the truth but prefer all the happy little lies that women share when they forget… here is where you should stop reading.
For me? Being pregnant sucked. I found out in late December which meant that I would be at my biggest just in time for the sweltering middle Georgia summer. Awesome. Sweet planning. It didn’t start out so bad to be honest. I was one of the lucky ones who has very little morning sickness. I never actually threw up, I just sort of felt nauseated a lot during the day. Really, it could have been a lot worse.
But the rest of my pregnancy? Pain. Seriously. My boobs got so big by the end of my pregnancy that they were STILL bigger than my stomach. My back felt like it would break pretty much constantly. I had gas. Oh God did I have gas. I kept candles in my office at work because I could not be held responsible for when I would let one slip or how bad it would smell. As a result, people were constantly commenting on how great my office smelled. (Thanks, Yankee Candle!)
I had heartburn so bad that I considered giving up food in exchange for a diet of solely Tums. Everything upset my stomach. Water gave me heart burn. Thinking about water gave me heart burn. Dreaming about water? Yep. Heartburn. And don’t get me started on sleeping. I bought one of those large body pillows but it didn’t seem to really help. My back would hurt so bad by my first trip to the restroom that I would be doubled over in pain just getting out of bed.
And the rest of the aches and pains? No one and I mean NO ONE can adequately prepare you for so-called “Round Ligament Pains.” I’m not even sure I can describe them. Suffice to say, the first time I felt them, I called the doctor and begged to come in for a check up to make sure everything was okay. I had never felt anything like that before… in my life. And the exhaustion? Yeah. It’s a wonder I made it through those first few months. Maybe I said it best in my “journal” I kept when pregnant:
“Since finding out I’m pregnant, I’ve been a mess of tears, eating, anger, and most of all… exhaustion. I am tired all. the. time. I wake up tired. I go to work tired. I work tired. I come home at lunch and try to power nap… and then wake up even more tired. Then when I finally get home from work, all I want to do is put on some pants with… god bless who ever invented it… ELASTIC waists, and lie on the sofa and complain about how tired I am.”
And that entry? That was written when I was barely a month pregnant. Here’s one from a little later:
“My boobs are getting bigger by the day. A lot bigger. And today, they seem to have unimaginably grown since the moment I put on my bra this morning until this very moment… mark it: 2:30pm. What that means is, the very comfortable bra that I put on this morning was violently digging into my skin and causing me unnatural amounts of pain and discomfort. It got so bad that I went to the bathroom to readjust, thinking maybe a little “lift and separate” would help settle things down. Not so much. In fact, all that did was make the girls even more angry. So, long story short, my “used to be comfortable, $9.99 bra” is now sitting at the bottom of the bathroom trashcan at work and I (somewhat abashedly but really without the appropriate amount of shame) am happily sitting at my desk working away, sans big girl’s best friend.”
Haven’t heard enough? How ’bout this:
“Last night, I cried myself to sleep around 10:15 because I was so upset that I had to go to bed and miss the end of the Grey’s Anatomy/Private Practice crossover event. I was traumatized that I wouldn’t know what happened to the lady with the baby but was also crying because I was too tired to stay up any longer. These emotions are kicking my butt!!! I almost cried at work today because one of my co-workers made the comment that I was “getting to the point where I wouldn’t be able to sit on the floor for much longer” and I became convinced that that was code for “DAMN! Way to pack on the pounds, preggo!””
And here’s a great reminder:
” I feel miserable. In fact, I have felt worse this week than I did for all of my first trimester combined. I have now thrown up twice in three days. I did not get sick AT ALL during the first trimester. I can’t sleep because I can’t find a position that doesn’t make all the muscles in my stomach feel like there is some unknown (okay, known) force twisting the tendons into knots for giggles. And, I’ve cried three times this week. It’s not like I live a rough life! Last night I cried because Husband made fun of how many pillows I had on the bed. It’s just so much harder than it looks on tv! I mean, no one ever told me that if I hold food in my mouth for longer than three seconds, I will gag. Or that if I sneeze or cough while lying down, I will find myself in intense agony for the better part of a minute. Or that at any given moment of the day I will find a sudden and uncontrollable urge to pee that makes me think I should have invested in Depends for the next five or so months.”
I know that this seems really out of the blue but just yesterday I saw a pregnant lady and thought “I miss being pregnant!” I can not have those thoughts anymore. Thus, a reminder post. A reminder of all the reasons why I DO. NOT. need another baby right now. Plus, I never want to forget being pregnant… and maybe there are several of you who don’t want to either!!
Don’t get me wrong, the end result was worth every ache and pain… well, after the first few weeks. I love J more than I ever thought possible but I am NOT ready to go through all of that again any time soon. Being pregnant is not the magical state where unicorns frolic… it is hell. And the only reason anyone says otherwise is because they are a) lying, b) trying to get you pregnant, c) the parents of a newborn and realize that parenting is WAY harder than pregnancy or d) all of the above.
Moral of this story? If you hear me saying “Awww, look at that sweet pregnant belly” … punch me in the face. No more babies for a while in this household!