Posted on | May 4, 2010 | 27 Comments
My marriage is in trouble.
There. I said it. And it hurt to say. It hurts worse to know that it’s true. In fact, going to North Carolina while Husband went to Florida gave rise to the first time in a long time that I remembered all the wonderful things that made me fall in love with him and made me miss him terribly. I hope he felt the same.
But that doesn’t mean that things are magically better.
It’s hard to even type that things are tough. I am, by nature, pretty private when it comes to personal things. Not that you’d know it by the whole blogging thing, but I really am. I tend to put on a show like everything is perfect and wonderful until I collapse with the weight of all the pretense.
But this time? I’m trying to change that. I’m trying to step outside myself and realize that I can’t pretend this away. I can’t pretend that things are going to get better without paying some serious attention to the details of my marriage. First and foremost, Husband and I need to start communicating. We sat down tonight while J was falling asleep, and really talked for the first time in a long time. Usually conversations these days lead to either pouting (me) or semi-anger (him) but we managed to actually TALK for a change.
Let me interject for a moment and say that ANYTIME I talk about my marriage on this blog, I clear it with Husband first. I don’t want anyone to think I’m using this as a way to circumvent talking to him… I just want to be honest with you all because so many things get swept under the proverbial rug. I’ve said it before and I can’t say it enough… marriage is tough. It is WORK to keep it going. And introducing a baby into the mix is like throwing a boulder to someone who is drowning. It’s not going to save anything and it might make you sink faster.
The thing is? I love my husband. 100% fall down on my knees and thank God for him, love him. He is the only person probably in the world who could handle my brand of crazy. But loving him completely? That’s not always enough. We’re not doing anything to show each other that love right now and that has to change. Having J turned me from a wife into a mother…and they can’t be mutually exclusive. I have to figure out a way to be both… and I think I may need a lot of help with that.
It’s hard to wear so many different hats. It’s hard to get up at 6 and be “mommy” for a few hours, then slap on a suit and be “lawyer” at work until I get home. Then it’s back to “mommy” until bed time, and … who am I kidding… on into the night. I don’t know where I put my “wife” hat or when I’ll find time to put it on. Why do all these people have to be so … different? Why am I a different mother than lawyer? I couldn’t tell you. I don’t know why there isn’t a way to meld them into one complete person… maybe there is. Maybe I’m just too new at this to get it sorted out. And being a wife? I barely had that figured out before we had J. We were only married for a year when I got pregnant. Maybe that was just too soon for us. I just don’t know anymore.
But the bottom line? I miss my husband. And I think he misses me, too.
I’m not trying to say that we’re headed for divorce, because dammit, I WILL make this work. Divorce is not an option. But I’m scared. I don’t know how to fix what’s broken, I just know that it’s broken and needs to be fixed. Maybe there’s a “handy woman” hat somewhere in my arsenal?
Marriage after a baby is hard. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar. This would be a lot easier if they made a happy pill for marriages.