Boobs across America (or Georgia)

Posted on | May 25, 2010 | 17 Comments

Oh blog readers. I thought about you on my way home today. I was driving through the outskirts of Columbus on my way back to Macon and laughing hysterically just praying that a police officer wouldn’t pull me over.

I wasn’t sure I would be able to explain what I was doing.

I’m getting ahead of myself though. Let me go back to the beginning.

J still isn’t sleeping. At all. So as a result, I was up from midnight until well after 4:00 am with a baby who would only sleep for minutes at a time. I was a tad past loopy when I hit the road for Columbus just after 8 this morning. I made it there with about five minutes to spare before my deposition, so no pumping. I took the deposition of a guy who, no lie, got his eye shot out with a rubberband when he was four years old. Shot out his eye. Of course, after he told me that, I couldn’t stop staring at his eye and wondering if it was a glass eye or if it was replaced. I never found out because I was too embarrassed to ask. I digress. The deposition went well and I cornered the guy into a lot of lies which will bode well for me later. Note to any of you who may one day give your own deposition…. if you feel the need to tell me repeatedly what a good person you are, how hard you work, and how much everyone likes you, you are most definitely a sleaze bag who is lazy and who no one likes. It’s science, folks.

So the depo took a little over an hour and I drove over to a little coffee shop for a cookie and a coffee to pass the time until my noon mediation. At 11:30 I pulled into the parking lot of the Board office to pump. I was … a little sleepy by this point and I may not have utilized my cover as effectively as I normally do. What does that mean? Glad you asked. It means that at one point (okay several points) every inch of my uncovered G cup boob was flapping in the breeze. It wouldn’t have really mattered except that I was in a fairly busy parking lot. And at one point I looked up and there was a woman staring at me with a strange look on her face. No big deal, right? I’m in Columbus. I don’t live there. I don’t even know anyone there!

I managed to get about three and a half ounces pumped before I had to go in, which is pretty good given the fact that I don’t pump well under pressure. I walked in to the mediation feeling pretty good about myself… until I saw the Claimant. Law Momma, meet lady who got an eye full of parking lot boob. Honestly. She sort of blushed a little on my behalf when she saw me, but DID have the grace not to mention how much of me she had already met.

Other than that? Mediation went well. I also managed to get to the Red Robin for a yummy Boca burger and a chocolate shake. Around the time that I finished eating, I realized I was going to have to pump again. And I REALLY wanted to get home before I passed out.

Now, maybe I was a little delirious from sleep deprivation. Maybe I was having an out of body experience. And maybe I just lost it a little. Either way, I decided my best option was to unhook the bra straps, pull the girls out of their slumber, and yes. You guessed it. Pump and drive.

Pump. AND. Drive.

Did I mention I was in traffic? As in, with stoplights? And that I’m dying laughing… like completely crying with laughter? I must have looked like the craziest person in the whole Southeast. And bonus? I passed at least seven cops. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to be pulled over just to see how much trouble I’d get in or if I was lucky to miss them all. I was probably breaking like seven laws or something so it’s for the best that I made it home without any run-ins with Western Georgia Po-leese. (yeah, that’s how we pronounce it down here.)

I am really surprised to be able to share that a)it was not that difficult to pump while driving; b)I managed to pump a FULL 5 ounce bottle while driving; and c) I don’t think I flashed any truckers. Or if I did? They were too disgusted by the droopiness that is my boobs to even think to honk.  I’m not exactly stripper material.

So there you have it. My eventful trip to Columbus. *sigh* I wish cars had webcams so y’all could see how hard I was laughing and how AWESOME I was at the pump and drive. Oh well. I got home to a baby with a massive fever. He’s just pitiful and is already on strong antibiotics for his ears so I’m sure it’s viral… but it still means that I have to add “sick baby” to my list of things to deal with tomorrow. I guess I’ll take him to work with me in the morning until it’s time to leave for his Geneticist appointment. Bets on how much work I’ll get done with a baby on my hip? Anyone?

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