Boobs across America (or Georgia)

Posted on | May 25, 2010 | 17 Comments

Oh blog readers. I thought about you on my way home today. I was driving through the outskirts of Columbus on my way back to Macon and laughing hysterically just praying that a police officer wouldn’t pull me over.

I wasn’t sure I would be able to explain what I was doing.

I’m getting ahead of myself though. Let me go back to the beginning.

J still isn’t sleeping. At all. So as a result, I was up from midnight until well after 4:00 am with a baby who would only sleep for minutes at a time. I was a tad past loopy when I hit the road for Columbus just after 8 this morning. I made it there with about five minutes to spare before my deposition, so no pumping. I took the deposition of a guy who, no lie, got his eye shot out with a rubberband when he was four years old. Shot out his eye. Of course, after he told me that, I couldn’t stop staring at his eye and wondering if it was a glass eye or if it was replaced. I never found out because I was too embarrassed to ask. I digress. The deposition went well and I cornered the guy into a lot of lies which will bode well for me later. Note to any of you who may one day give your own deposition…. if you feel the need to tell me repeatedly what a good person you are, how hard you work, and how much everyone likes you, you are most definitely a sleaze bag who is lazy and who no one likes. It’s science, folks.

So the depo took a little over an hour and I drove over to a little coffee shop for a cookie and a coffee to pass the time until my noon mediation. At 11:30 I pulled into the parking lot of the Board office to pump. I was … a little sleepy by this point and I may not have utilized my cover as effectively as I normally do. What does that mean? Glad you asked. It means that at one point (okay several points) every inch of my uncovered G cup boob was flapping in the breeze. It wouldn’t have really mattered except that I was in a fairly busy parking lot. And at one point I looked up and there was a woman staring at me with a strange look on her face. No big deal, right? I’m in Columbus. I don’t live there. I don’t even know anyone there!

I managed to get about three and a half ounces pumped before I had to go in, which is pretty good given the fact that I don’t pump well under pressure. I walked in to the mediation feeling pretty good about myself… until I saw the Claimant. Law Momma, meet lady who got an eye full of parking lot boob. Honestly. She sort of blushed a little on my behalf when she saw me, but DID have the grace not to mention how much of me she had already met.

Other than that? Mediation went well. I also managed to get to the Red Robin for a yummy Boca burger and a chocolate shake. Around the time that I finished eating, I realized I was going to have to pump again. And I REALLY wanted to get home before I passed out.

Now, maybe I was a little delirious from sleep deprivation. Maybe I was having an out of body experience. And maybe I just lost it a little. Either way, I decided my best option was to unhook the bra straps, pull the girls out of their slumber, and yes. You guessed it. Pump and drive.

Pump. AND. Drive.

Did I mention I was in traffic? As in, with stoplights? And that I’m dying laughing… like completely crying with laughter? I must have looked like the craziest person in the whole Southeast. And bonus? I passed at least seven cops. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to be pulled over just to see how much trouble I’d get in or if I was lucky to miss them all. I was probably breaking like seven laws or something so it’s for the best that I made it home without any run-ins with Western Georgia Po-leese. (yeah, that’s how we pronounce it down here.)

I am really surprised to be able to share that a)it was not that difficult to pump while driving; b)I managed to pump a FULL 5 ounce bottle while driving; and c) I don’t think I flashed any truckers. Or if I did? They were too disgusted by the droopiness that is my boobs to even think to honk.  I’m not exactly stripper material.

So there you have it. My eventful trip to Columbus. *sigh* I wish cars had webcams so y’all could see how hard I was laughing and how AWESOME I was at the pump and drive. Oh well. I got home to a baby with a massive fever. He’s just pitiful and is already on strong antibiotics for his ears so I’m sure it’s viral… but it still means that I have to add “sick baby” to my list of things to deal with tomorrow. I guess I’ll take him to work with me in the morning until it’s time to leave for his Geneticist appointment. Bets on how much work I’ll get done with a baby on my hip? Anyone?


17 Responses to “Boobs across America (or Georgia)”

  1. HarmSkills
    May 25th, 2010 @ 12:01 pm

    I laughed reading that! what a day! red robin, G cups & pump and drive. I hope J feels better and you get some sleep!

  2. Kim
    May 25th, 2010 @ 12:21 pm

    lol, that is the best!! I couldn't pump in a quiet room! You are the milking queen, my friend!! Hope J feels better soon!

  3. Alysha
    May 25th, 2010 @ 12:57 pm

    you are my hero! The only times i have pumped in a car was when i was a passenger and i could barely do THAT without spilling! YOu should definitely be proud!! AND i only have c cups. No clue how you did it! 🙂 haha

  4. Sara
    May 25th, 2010 @ 1:10 pm

    I have thought about pumping on my ride in to work in the morning… maybe I will try it! See? You inspired me! LOL

    Hope J feels better soon… poor babe.

  5. ~*Jess*~
    May 25th, 2010 @ 1:22 pm

    AH! LMAO. Ugh. I don't know that I'd be able to walk into a mediation and get in the zone after someone just saw my boob. Seriously. Too funny. You are one dedicated mama! J's a lucky boy.

  6. Cybil
    May 25th, 2010 @ 2:21 pm

    LMAO! Awesome story! You are all woman Law Momma – whipping those girls out and multi-tasking!

  7. Ali
    May 25th, 2010 @ 2:33 pm

    I have mastered the pump and drive! You gotta do what you gotta do and for working mom's that sometimes is pumping while driving! You always make me laugh!

  8. Tiffany
    May 25th, 2010 @ 2:34 pm

    Hilarious! Pump and drive. Pump and drive.

  9. Nikki
    May 25th, 2010 @ 2:34 pm

    I know a girl who WAS pulled over while pumping and driving! Luckily, she was only given a warning. I think the police officer's wife just had a baby or something like that, but I'm sure he had a nice story to tell when he got back to the department.

  10. Rebekah @ Mom-In-A-Million
    May 25th, 2010 @ 3:05 pm

    OMG, that's AWESOMW! "Pumping and Driving" could be a country song. Love it!

  11. D
    May 25th, 2010 @ 3:29 pm

    Hilarious! Seriously, I'm impressed.

  12. ARob
    May 25th, 2010 @ 3:55 pm

    HAha!! When I was still BFing, I pumped all the time when I was driving. The beauty of multitasking!

  13. Anonymous
    May 25th, 2010 @ 4:52 pm

    I pump and drive all the time! Handsfree bra is the key to it, though. Oh, and I've got J cups. Seriously scary.

  14. Janelle
    May 26th, 2010 @ 12:06 am

    You made my day with this! I'm torn between wishing you had driven by me so that I could have had a good laugh, and being glad that I was NOT on the same road as you – safety first, right? I can barely pump in the safety of my own home without spilling all over myself, I think you are my hero.
    Poor J, hope he feels better soon!

  15. D
    May 26th, 2010 @ 12:18 am

    OMG, that was YOU?!?

    j/k, j/k. Dust off your cape though, woman – you. are. my. hero.

  16. Hello! I'm Kate.
    May 26th, 2010 @ 1:01 am

    My aunt who is also a lawyer tells crazy stories about pumping & driving her 45 minute commute! This was super hilarious!!!

  17. Alena
    May 26th, 2010 @ 3:43 pm

    That's freaking hilarious. I almost woke Sophia up with my laughing!! I am impressed by your driving & pumping abilities. Multitasking at it's finest.

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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