Husband and the Magical Super Selective Senses

Posted on | June 4, 2010 | 19 Comments

I don’t get it. I love Husband dearly, but I do. not. understand how he works.

Husband’s five senses and how they work are a complete and total mystery to me. I have talked before about his super selective hearing and how he’s able to completely “miss” J screaming at the top of his lungs for twenty minutes but will tell me to “Hush” because I’m talking too loud if I’m playing with J while he’s on his game. Or how I can ask him thirteen times to lock the back door and have him repeat it to me like a Sunday school lesson only to get up in the morning to the backdoor unlocked.

It turns out though, that not only is his hearing selective… apparently he has this gift with all five of his senses. Take, for instance, smell. Husband has the ability to pick J up, play with him for a good thirty minutes, hand him to me and walk away. When he hands him to me, it is all too apparent that there is a … ahem… gift… in his diaper. The smell is unmistakable. So I’ll say “Husband. Did you not notice the horrific, decaying smell coming from our otherwise adorable son’s diaper?”

He looks at me like I’m nuts. How is it possible to miss that smell? It is so pervasive that my nostrils shrivel up into my nose out of fear. IT IS NOT POSSIBLE THAT HE DIDN’T SMELL THAT!

Sadly, it doesn’t stop with smell. Husband also has the gift of selective sight. He is apparently only able to see the things I point out to him. It’s got to be hard for him when I’m not around. I’m actually not sure how he survived. He can not see dishes in the sink unless I tell him they are there. He can not see that the trash needs emptying unless I alert him to the fact. He can’t even see that the bed needs to be made up until I inform him. He can’t find a damn thing in the pantry, refrigerator, closet or house in general without my assistance… even if it’s right in front of him. Honestly? HONESTLY? How did he survive for twenty some odd years without me pointing things out?

I won’t even go on. You get the point.

I got up this morning to a kitchen that was out. of. control. (Not in the fun old TV show way… in the ewww gross way.) There were crumbs from his brownie addiction all over the counter. The dishwasher was too full for his dishes so he piled them in the sink… without turning on the dishwasher. There are clothes both in the dryer and piled on the guest bed that I asked him to fold a week ago and I’m resisting the urge to shove them down his throat. He drank the last of the juice and left the pitcher dirty on the counter.

I just don’t get it. Today was and is supposed to be a “mental health” day for me. We have new furniture coming and I figured I’d take J to daycare and just enjoy the day at home… alone. But now? Now I’m going to be cleaning dishes, folding laundry, making beds and in general fuming about how ridiculous it is that my husband can not see past the end of his nose.

Good news? The back door was locked.

Oh wait. I locked last night before I went to bed. That means the dog probably didn’t go out last night. Crap. Gotta go.


19 Responses to “Husband and the Magical Super Selective Senses”

  1. Little Bishops
    June 4th, 2010 @ 12:04 pm

    That's hilarious. I made my husband read this. 😉

  2. Kim
    June 4th, 2010 @ 12:25 pm

    wait, are we married to the same guy? . . . weird . . .

  3. Janelle
    June 4th, 2010 @ 12:31 pm

    Wow…you have nailed the male species in this post. So sad. Rest assured that you are not alone!

  4. Sara
    June 4th, 2010 @ 1:01 pm

    El. Oh. El.

    Dude. Love the graphics.

  5. KLZ
    June 4th, 2010 @ 1:22 pm

    I agree the graphics are fantastic.

    And I genuinely don't understand why the preferred method of finding something is saying "Honey, where are my shoes?" rather than looking for 30 seconds.

    When I say "Have you looked for them?" apparently I am being MEAN. Why can't I just HELP him?

  6. Distracted Daddy
    June 4th, 2010 @ 1:28 pm

    I often try to explain to my wife the differences between Daddy Vision and Mommy Vision. This especially applies to the dishes in the sink. With Daddy Vision we just don't see them, they are like wallpaper.
    My wife doesn't understand.

  7. Steph
    June 4th, 2010 @ 2:01 pm

    You would think some doctor would figure out they could make a fortune if they could specialize in fixing husband's lack of senses. You totally nailed it here!!

    The door thing? Particularly irritating for me lately because our paper warned of burglars in the area! BURGLARS!! LOCK THE DANG DOORS!! Thankfully my dogs have a dog door so they don't have to rely on anyone to go out, otherwise I would spend all day and night getting up and down while he ignored their whining.

    Selective hearing is my all time biggest pet peeve. Unfortunately my husband has passed it on to my kids. It's apparently genetic. *sigh*

    Have your mental health day!! The crumbs and laundry will be there tomorrow!!! Seriously, sometimes as a mom you just HAVE to let it sit for a day for your own well being.

    Also? I love the graphics too!! VERY neat!!

  8. Amanda
    June 4th, 2010 @ 2:13 pm

    I thought it was just my husband! Honestly, I dont' get it. I think what makes me most crazy is piling the dishes in the sink. I mean even when the dishwasher is half full he does it! And what's so hard about emptying it and filling it back up? Guess what? it's not magical, somebody is unloading the dishwasher AND IT'S ME. And then last night I looked at the trash can under the sink in our kitchen and it's filled to the BRIM with stuff….like honestly? He couldn't have emptied it? HE'S A TEACHER AND HAS THE SUMMER OFF. Mercy. You opened a can of worms today!

  9. D
    June 4th, 2010 @ 2:18 pm

    BRILLIANT post!

  10. Anne
    June 4th, 2010 @ 3:00 pm

    Haha! Are we married to the same man?

  11. ~*Jess*~
    June 4th, 2010 @ 3:10 pm

    Seriously. Men. Dishes in sink = put them away, wash them, something. I think they like engraved invitations. Like for the unmade bed.

  12. Eliza
    June 4th, 2010 @ 3:56 pm

    I often wonder how my husband would survive without me….whether he would be consumed by trash, filth, and general squalor.

    My DH is cut from the same cloth my friend….

    Have a wonderful day!

  13. Anonymous
    June 4th, 2010 @ 4:01 pm

    Hubs: "Where do we keep the milk?"
    Hubs: "Where are all the spoons?"
    Hubs: "Are my pants clean?"
    Hubs: "They are hungry? How was I supposed to know?"
    Hubs: "Sorry. I forgot to look if there was poop n the diaper before throwing it on the bedroom floor."

    Seriously. SERIOUSLY. Dudes really do need you to hold their hands sometimes.

  14. Emmie Bee
    June 4th, 2010 @ 4:02 pm

    and that last one was me. I don't know why the hell I clicked Anonymous.

  15. WTH am I Doing?
    June 4th, 2010 @ 4:47 pm

    Ahh, yes. I can honestly say that my husband does pretty well with some things. The trash is his job, so it gets taken care of. Nonetheless, he tends to forget things that I have told him many, many times.

    Sometimes he does have that blind spot, too.

    "why is Child X wearing this?"

    "I couldn't find any clothes for Child X"

    "See that big pile of clothes right there? Did you try looking there?"

    "Oh, I didn't know those were there."

    It's a giant pile of tiny clothes…WTH did you think they were?? >.<

    As far as the hearing goes, I call it his "estrogen filter." There is something about the male ears/brain that filters out content that may contain estrogen. Which explains why he doesn't hear most of what I say to him & promptly forgets most of the answers to things like "where are the paper towels?" that I have told him at least a dozen times.

    How he manages to sleep through the screaming children, 1 of which is male, I haven't yet figured out. If I hear a rustle or a sneeze over the monitor, I'm wide awake.

    I maintain that women exist to keep the species from going extinct, because if it were left up to men alone… >.<

  16. D
    June 4th, 2010 @ 5:18 pm

    Yeah I don't get why they act like that sometimes? You are most definitely not alone and I really appreciate you posting this because I'm too scared to post my honest feelings about things like this on my blog. So thank you. And I'm sorry you have to deal with that. ((HUGS))

  17. Dr. Mommy
    June 4th, 2010 @ 6:06 pm

    men cannot possibly be that dense. i think they're faking it because they know we will rescue them and take care of everything for them if they hold out long enough!

  18. Nikki
    June 4th, 2010 @ 6:48 pm

    One of your best, I am still laughing because it's so true. My husband does fold the laundry, but doesn't put it away. Why? "Because I don't know where your stuff goes." Really? Because if you think about it, my underwear will probably go in the same drawer as ALL THE OTHER UNDERWEAR!

  19. Melodramamma
    June 6th, 2010 @ 3:01 am

    It's a great mystery to all of us at times.

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