Posted on | June 22, 2010 | 12 Comments
I seriously think my kid is out to destroy me. Or perhaps he is possessed by some demon who neither cares for me nor needs to sleep.
I don’t say this lightly. I have put a lot of thought into everything that is going on… and yeah. Something in him hates me and wants me to suffer. Since I am an attorney and all, allow me to make my case.
1. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Seriously. Look it up. And my kid has Guantanamo Bay beat by way of torture methods. Don’t believe me? Try these on for size:
a) J will not sleep in my presence. If he is happily asleep and thinks he might hear, see, smell, sense or in any way feel my presence in a fifty mile radius, there will be tears. And not just normal tears. We’re talking raging, horrible sniffly tears that leave marks down his face and snot dried to his nose.
b) If I am asleep and J is not, he will do everything in his power to ensure my immediate alertness. For example, he is the master at shoving a pacifier up my nose, in my ear, or into my mouth. His preference is for the mouth but he’ll take what he can get. He has also determined that hitting is an effective way to open my eyes… especially if he hits my face with his pacifier or any other hard object. This is also the preferred method of dealing with me after he exercises a).
2. He thinks “no” is a funny word. Honest. When I say “no” to him, he stops what he’s doing, turns and looks at me and no lie… LAUGHS. Like full on “hahahaha” laughs. Like it’s the funniest thing in the world that I am telling him “no.” Think that’s cute? Yeah. It totally is. Except when he does it at 4 in the morning after being up all night. Then you look at his adorable little face and wonder if you should be examining him more carefully for the mark of the beast. (I kid, I kid.)
I love my son, I really do, and I am pleased as punch that he has survived 10 months as my child… and more impressively that I have survived 10 months as his mother. But I have to wonder if I’m doing something wrong. Should my kid be able to torture me so much? Is this what being a mom is all about?
There’s going to be some changes in the Law Momma household starting tonight. We’ve read the Sleep Workbook and we’re prepared to try this whole “Sleep Training” thing. To be honest, if Kim West told me to load him up with Xanax and strap him to his crib, I’d probably try it at this point. Luckily, her methods are less extreme. I’ll keep you all posted on how this goes. If you see a crazy-haired, crazy-eyed lawyer wandering around somewhere in middle Georgia, you’ll know that he has succeeded and I have failed.
And then it will be time to send for the priests.