"I need an old priest and a young priest" (Or just some Xanax)

Posted on | June 22, 2010 | 12 Comments

I seriously think my kid is out to destroy me. Or perhaps he is possessed by some demon who neither cares for me nor needs to sleep.

I don’t say this lightly. I have put a lot of thought into everything that is going on… and yeah. Something in him hates me and wants me to suffer. Since I am an attorney and all, allow me to make my case.
1. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Seriously. Look it up. And my kid has Guantanamo Bay beat by way of torture methods. Don’t believe me? Try these on for size:
 a) J will not sleep in my presence. If he is happily asleep and thinks he might hear, see, smell, sense or in any way feel my presence in a fifty mile radius, there will be tears. And not just normal tears. We’re talking raging, horrible sniffly tears that leave marks down his face and snot dried to his nose.

b) If I am asleep and J is not, he will do everything in his power to ensure my immediate alertness. For example, he is the master at shoving a pacifier up my nose, in my ear, or into my mouth. His preference is for the mouth but he’ll take what he can get. He has also determined that hitting is an effective way to open my eyes… especially if he hits my face with his pacifier or any other hard object. This is also the preferred method of dealing with me after he exercises a).

2. He thinks “no” is a funny word. Honest. When I say “no” to him, he stops what he’s doing, turns and looks at me and no lie… LAUGHS. Like full on “hahahaha” laughs. Like it’s the funniest thing in the world that I am telling him “no.” Think that’s cute? Yeah. It totally is. Except when he does it at 4 in the morning after being up all night. Then you look at his adorable little face and wonder if you should be examining him more carefully for the mark of the beast. (I kid, I kid.)

I love my son, I really do, and I am pleased as punch that he has survived 10 months as my child… and more impressively that I have survived 10 months as his mother. But I have to wonder if I’m doing something wrong. Should my kid be able to torture me so much? Is this what being a mom is all about?

There’s going to be some changes in the Law Momma household starting tonight. We’ve read the Sleep Workbook and we’re prepared to try this whole “Sleep Training” thing. To be honest, if Kim West told me to load him up with Xanax and strap him to his crib, I’d probably try it at this point. Luckily, her methods are less extreme. I’ll keep you all posted on how this goes. If you see a crazy-haired, crazy-eyed lawyer wandering around somewhere in middle Georgia, you’ll know that he has succeeded and I have failed.

And then it will be time to send for the priests.


12 Responses to “"I need an old priest and a young priest" (Or just some Xanax)”

  1. Dre
    June 22nd, 2010 @ 2:15 pm

    hee hee. I second that. Down to the laughing at me when I say no. And sadly, it has been going on in my house for almost two months (10 months to 12 months). Let me know how the sleep training goes because that is my next step. After the xanax. For me.

  2. Anne
    June 22nd, 2010 @ 2:27 pm

    Good luck! Sleep training can be tough, but the end result is SO WORTH IT! Hope all goes well for you 🙂

  3. sara
    June 22nd, 2010 @ 2:49 pm

    Good luck! Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child worked miracles for us as far as developing good habits. Hope everything goes well and it works!

  4. Anonymous
    June 22nd, 2010 @ 3:16 pm

    Good luck with the sleep training.

    It also sounds like from several of your posts that you co-sleep. This comment isn't a judgy comment (I have no issue with co-sleeping in general), but I've found that my son just doens't sleep as well when he's in bed with me. Maybe it's something about me moving, or the firmness of the mattress, or I don't know what…but maybe if you can get him sleep trained, and he stays in his crib all night, he'll sleep better. Not only are you sleep deprived, but he's got to be, too. Good luck!

  5. Nikki
    June 22nd, 2010 @ 3:52 pm

    I know J has four months on my boy, but I was getting to be just as crazy as you with sleep depreviation. Our sleep training method was a mix of all sorts of things, but it worked. He is now only waking up once or twice a night (not counting nursing at 5:00am) and I am much more rested. Good luck, it's hard but once you find what will work best for you, it's worth it.

  6. Mommy Attorney
    June 22nd, 2010 @ 4:02 pm

    You've endured 10 months of torture. Yay for the sleep training! It will probably be tough, but so so worth it.

  7. HarmSkills
    June 22nd, 2010 @ 5:28 pm

    sleep training is the hardest thing, but so worth it. At 7 months we did it. My son was your son. Up all night. Now he is 15 months old and sleeps 11 hours a night. we did ferber, I wrote about it on my blog, but Kim West did help us through an early wake up phase. good luck, get the hubby involved and treat yourself good tomorrow. Tonight will suck, but STICK with it it will work! You all need sleep

  8. CaneWife
    June 22nd, 2010 @ 5:38 pm

    Good luck! I hope he takes to it quickly 🙂

  9. Rebekah @ Mom-In-A-Million
    June 22nd, 2010 @ 5:49 pm

    My sister's pediatrician had very good advice for sleep training parents: open a bottle of wine and settle in for a long night. You and J both need the sleep so it's worth it but he is going to be PISSED when he finds out he's losing his middle of the night playmate. Just remember that it's for his own health and you wouldn't let him him play with knives just because he thinks they're shiny and pretty. So you won't let him stay up all night because he thinks it's playtime.

  10. texasmacks
    June 22nd, 2010 @ 7:16 pm

    That has been my motto ever since my first. "Now I know why they used sleep deprivation as a prisoner of war tactic."

    The tough love with sleeping is so hard mostly on you but it's so worth it. We now have two boys that sleep 12 hours a night without mommy!

  11. KLZ
    June 23rd, 2010 @ 2:06 am

    This is not easy. Good luck, God speed, and let me know if you need a shoulder to lean or cry on. I'm around. Always.

  12. Steph
    June 25th, 2010 @ 3:17 am

    I really, really hope this worked!! I am a couple of days behind but I am so crossing my fingers!!

  • Creative Commons License
    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at http://www.law-momma.com.
  • Twitter

  • Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner


  • Grab my button for your blog!