Just Some Regulatory Suggestions

Posted on | June 25, 2010 | 12 Comments

You know how clothes have those symbols on them to tell you how to care for the fabric? I think it’s time they made some new adjustments.

It is all well and good to know at what heat level you should iron your pants (do people still iron?), and when to dry clean (again… Dryel anyone?), but I need more information. I don’t care two bits what the label says as far as “hand washing in luke warm water.” I have NEVER hand washed a thing. Call me the clothes abuser if you want, but everything goes in the washing machine. If it says “hand wash only” it is either not purchased or it is put on the lowest cycle. And I will make the concession that it should probably be air dried but it’s a tough concession to make.

What I would use are labels that include helpful symbols. And in the spirit of helpfulness, I am providing my own ideas for new symbols the government can consider when they next go to regulate all things laundry. I really do think they’ll be helpful… at least to a portion of the population:

Non-Breastmilk Repellent: See, this would be helpful for me because some clothes actually don’t repel the milk as well as others. When that happens, I’m left with a weird crusty white spot on an otherwise semi-flawless outfit. I don’t like having to explain what that is. A label that informs me to avoid this type of fiasco would be greatly appreciated.

Ketchup Devouring (also known as Potato Shirts): Some fabrics just seem to eat ketchup. They get it into the little tiny crevices of the yarn or thread or whatever you make clothes out of (yeah, I’m not a seamstress.). And no matter what you do, you will NOT get that stain out. Even my go-to Tide-To-Go doesn’t salvage these fabrics. I don’t know what they’re made of, but I like to think it’s potato. That makes sense to me because french fries do the same thing. If you leave them near the ketchup they just suck it up and get all soggy and ruined. So a symbol that would alert me to NOT eat my Boca Burger while wearing it would be exceptionally helpful.

Back Sweat Soaker: NOTHING is worse than the feeling of peeling yourself out of a chair on a hot day and knowing, without a doubt, that the shirt or dress you are wearing is now sporting the lovely ring of back sweat. You can’t hide it. Everyone is totally going to notice. And the worst part is that you know it’s going to dry and either be slightly brittle or just a touch off color from the rest of the material. Meaning you will be marked as a back sweater for the rest of the day. This is a valuable symbol in the summertime… especially in the South.

No Sitting: This is the symbol that, had it been invented before now, would have prevented me from buying and subsequently wearing the dress I’m sporting today. Because this dress is super cute… until I sit down. And really, it’s not so much the sitting as the standing up again. I’m talking about the horribleness that is.. the butt wrinkle. WHY do they make dresses and skirts out of material that is permanently wrinkled from the moment you first sit down until the next time you iron??? My ass looks like a road map of Atlanta!

Masking Abilities (also known as Gift Cloth made by Fairies): This is the crucial find. The black cotton shirt that NOTHING stains. The jeans that totally don’t look like you just wiped a fistful of snot on them. The dress that your kid threw up on but you can’t even find where because it’s like a freaking raincoat that just repelled the spew right off. I am on an ever-constant quest for this symbol. It’s like the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval for Mommywear. If you find something like this… buy three and tell me where you got it because mine are looking a little raggedy. Even magical garments can’t last forever, right?

I don’t know that anyone in charge of making the little clothes labels is ever going to read this, but just in case you do… please take these into consideration. At least for women’s clothes. And kids clothes. And also men’s clothes if the men are fathers and their laundry is done by women. So basically everyone. Okay thanks, bye.

PS. I’m GuestBlogging over at Postcards from Parenthood today while Eliza plays on the beach. (Lucky.) Stop by and check me out!


12 Responses to “Just Some Regulatory Suggestions”

  1. Lydia and Kate
    June 25th, 2010 @ 12:51 pm

    This is so freaking hilarious. Are you a genius?

  2. ~*Jess*~
    June 25th, 2010 @ 1:08 pm

    These are the best ever. Seriously. Get to marketing now.

  3. Anne
    June 25th, 2010 @ 5:45 pm

    Yes! I don't think I even read labels anymore because they are useless. Now your labels I would read…and love.

  4. Rebekah @ Mom-In-A-Million
    June 25th, 2010 @ 7:03 pm

    Can they also add a label to tinted lip balm that indicates that if you put it in the dryer with your light colored clothes they will all come out ruined? Or was I supposed to know that instinctively?

  5. Dr. Mommy
    June 25th, 2010 @ 7:23 pm

    Nice! i'm impressed with the designs!

  6. WTH am I Doing?
    June 25th, 2010 @ 7:33 pm

    Nicely done! I'd also like a label for clothes that retain their shape after sitting. I don't like the ones that stretch all weird & remain saggy as if your pants/shirt/etc are still sitting down, even tho you are now up & about…

  7. Diana
    June 25th, 2010 @ 10:29 pm

    100% yes on the handwash thing. I thing – seriously? Someone has time to handwash this sucker?

    Then I wonder why a month later it's falling apart.

    Also – I <3 you. So in regards to my post today, I certainly hope you keep blogging for a while. Because you are adorable and your posts make me smile – sometimes they make me angry (Dr. Bob) but mostly smile.

  8. Amy
    June 25th, 2010 @ 10:54 pm

    Dryel? Really? I have had NO luck with Dryel. What's ur secret?

    I think even worse than back sweat…boob sweating through your dress! Boob sweat ya'll!

  9. metta1313
    June 27th, 2010 @ 11:16 pm

    Hysterical and so true! I've experienced all these things and wish I knew beforehand. Seriously find out where to submit these ideas. I'd start a petition to get it going!

  10. KLZ
    June 28th, 2010 @ 2:16 am

    You prove your genius yet again. My God, symbols that symbolize something would be so very helpful.

    Who cares about irons?

  11. Crayon Wrangler
    June 28th, 2010 @ 3:10 am

    I just found your blog and I am hooked! You have got to be the most hysterical-but-in-a-real-way mom/writer/wife/whatever I think I have ever read! If you click on your stats and find that someone from TN has been on your blog for 12 hours…it's just me. Don't fret!

  12. Steph
    July 7th, 2010 @ 2:13 pm

    Bwahahaha! I loathe ironing, have since I was little. We don't even own one. We have a steam washer and dryer and if it's wrinkled it gets tossed back in there!

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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