Posted on | June 29, 2010 | 11 Comments
I believe in fairy tales.
Deep in my soul, I believe that Santa Claus exists and that good things happen to good people. I think the caps of acorns double as fairy hats and that when I leave the room stuffed animals come to life.
Maybe it makes me foolish or silly or immature. Maybe it made me destined for heartache or maybe it makes me destined for greatness. I really don’t know. All I know is that from the time I was a very small girl, I loved to make believe. I would make Barbie fall in love with Ken over and over and over. I had intricate soap opera-esque scenarios with the Fisher Price little people that involved castles, princesses and evil step-sisters.
I think that’s why real life has been more of a struggle for me. I want the fairy tale. I want the dream. I want perfection from storybooks.
But here’s the thing… from the time I was a little girl, I was never the heroine. When my sister and I would play Annie, I was Grace, Daddy Warbucks, Punjab and all the orphans. When we played Cinderella, I was the mice… and the stepsisters. And sometimes the Prince. So I learned from a young age that I was supporting cast. I wasn’t “good enough” to be the princess or the title role. I wasn’t “pretty enough.” It simply wasn’t for me.
So I resorted to stories. Romance novels. Young Adult fiction. And oh God yes please Jane Austen. I wanted to read about the “pretty people.” The ones who managed to be good enough to score the guy or the lead in the play or whatever it was that I so desperately wanted but was too afraid to try for.
My “stories” had an impact on my life in more ways than I can count. I need drama. I crave it. And not in the horrible, talk crap about your girlfriends kind of way… in the worst way. I argue. I pout. I make up scenarios in my head where everything falls apart and then I verbally mutilate Husband for things he never even did. Life is not supposed to be easy. It isn’t in the stories I read.
So why am I sharing this? Because I’ve learned something pretty valuable in the last few weeks. Good things happen. Even to people like me. And yeah, bad things happen, too, but for most of my life I have focused on the bad. I have cradled it in my arms and nourished it like a baby. And I’m tired of that crap. I want to focus on the fact that yeah, I DO deserve good things. I am competent. I am a reasonably good person. I don’t want to keep tip-toeing around the fact that I have a wonderful life for fear that by saying it I will somehow jinx it and it will all come crashing down on me.
I have a wonderful life.
I have a Husband who, for all the right reasons, thinks I’m spun from gold. I have a child who is half-perfection and half-hysterical and I love him so much more than I ever thought was possible. Is our life perfect? Not on your life. We have our ups and downs just like the rest of the world. But we are healthy. For the most part, we make ends meet. We’re employed. Our son is growing up in a world where he doesn’t have to join the military unless he wants to… a world where he can choose to be anyone he wants to be. And you know what? Those things are what matters.
So yeah. I still dream the big stories. The ones where Husband gets discovered for the amazing singer that he is and we live in a giant house with a cook and a butler (yeah… I totally could live with an in-house concierge like a butler!!). The ones where I get a face lift and a nose job and a boob job and shed thirty pounds until I’m the world’s finest MILF.
But my reality is pretty great. So while I’m not giving up on my fairy tales, while I still fully believe that leprechauns are real (but only in Ireland) and that even insects have internal monologues and feelings about their families… I am going to focus on my real life for a while. Because for a plethora of reasons some of which I can’t even fully get into… my real life is pretty fantastic.
I almost forgot to add something VERY important. If you haven’t already, please stop by Raising Madison and donate to help the Chupp family. Today is the last day that your $5 donation can enter you to win some pretty fabulous prizes… as if helping out little Keegan isn’t enough. So go by and give what you can, okay? Make someone else’s day just a little bit brighter.