Things I Wish My Husband Knew…

Posted on | August 19, 2010 | 9 Comments

There are just some times when I’d like to throw a book at Husband. Which book I’d like to throw varies. Sometimes, it’s a small, leather-bound diary. Sometimes it’s the Holy Bible. And other times, it’s nothing more than the phone book. Today? Today I’d like to throw a special book at Husband. But first, I’d have to sit down and write the darn thing and that would just take too long.

But the fact of the matter is, there are things my Husband doesn’t get. No matter how many times I tell him. No matter how many ways I tell him. He just. doesn’t. get. it.

Example? Laundry. Husband prides himself on being good at doing the laundry. He’ll say things like “I’ll do the laundry, you don’t have to worry about that,” and “What do you mean I don’t help out? I do laundry!” This sounds well and good except Husband’s idea of “doing the laundry” and my idea of “doing the laundry” don’t exactly mesh. To Husband, putting clothes in the washer with detergent and turning it on constitutes doing laundry. He doesn’t so much bother with the whole transferring it to the dryer and then folding it. In fact, I’m pretty sure he has an allergy to folding. And yet he persists in thinking he’s helping out by doing all of the laundry. It baffles me.

Second example? Well, let’s call it Womanly Sense. I would call it Common Sense, but I understand that I’m a woman and I see things slightly differently than men. But as a woman, I can not FATHOM why you would hear me say “I am having a terrible day” followed by “I feel fat and nasty” and then a side dish of “I hate everything” and think it is a great time to a) make fun of me for being PMS-y, and b) pretend like the stuffed animal net for J’s bedroom is a pair of my underwear and comment on how my undies just keep getting bigger and bigger. NOT THE TIME, JACKALOPE!!!

I feel like I need a FAIL button. You know, sort of like the Easy Button in the Staples commercials, only it’s for when Husband just plain fails. And when I push it, it makes a sound like the Bad Egg O’Meter in Willy Wonka and Husband falls through a chute in the floor. Because honestly, when he held up that netting and pretended it was my underwear, I swear to you I could have sliced him off at the knees.

Need another example? Okay. I’m full of them. J is sleeping pretty well these days… but he will only go to sleep for Husband. Seriously. If I try to put him to bed he screams and cries and kicks and claws and at one point I’m pretty sure he was sobbing “da daaaaaa” in angst for his father. I don’t know why. I know that Husband is a bit of a heater and he’s broader across the shoulders so he can hold him differently. But other than that? I have no clue why I can’t put J to sleep. And it’s frustrating. I feel like a failure as a mom because I apparently can not soothe my child to sleep. So what I don’t need, in a moment like that, is for someone to say “Well, you better figure out what you’re doing wrong because in two weeks I won’t be here on Tuesdays for bedtime.”


Push the Fail button. Cue the Chute. Replace Fail Husband with Kind, Sweet, Gentle and Loving Husband who brings me chocolates and runs me bubble baths with yummy scented bubbles.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Husband. But the things he doesn’t understand about me could fill a book.

And when I finish writing it… I will throw it at him.


9 Responses to “Things I Wish My Husband Knew…”

  1. KatieJones
    August 19th, 2010 @ 11:41 am

    I am TOTALLY with you on this one. Its kind of like my wedding day, when hubs saw me in my dress, and the first thing he did was point out how my back fat was squished together like tiny butt cheeks peeking over my strapless dress. OR kind of like the time I tried to get all frisky with him by surprising him in a thong and high heels and he chose THAT moment to point out white flakes in my hair. Ass.

  2. Beauty
    August 19th, 2010 @ 12:50 pm

    Sounds JUST like my husband. Pretty sure they are all missing a small piece of their brain an therefore can't understand us.

  3. Bink
    August 19th, 2010 @ 1:03 pm

    I would have killed him with the netting. That is awful! He needs to do something amazing for you to redeem himself. I suggest a gift certificate to Spa Bleu downtown. They give you wine and pamper you.

    Hope today is better!

  4. MrsPatterson
    August 19th, 2010 @ 1:09 pm

    Oh man, I totally hear you. If I had a dollar for how many times I've said, "THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO SAY/DO THAT!" I would be able to afford a luxury month-long vacation at a spa where I could go and leave everything behind.

  5. Lisa
    August 19th, 2010 @ 1:15 pm

    So, I think I've commented twice on your blog before, although I've been reading for awhile. And sometimes I just want to reach through the screen and give your hubby a swift kick in the patookus for you. Geez. Sometimes he seems like he doesn't get it.

    On a less hostile note, however, I will comment on the getting J to sleep. My hubby is much better at soothing our little boy to sleep as well. And I realized it's because he doesn't have boobs…his chest is a nice level plain to sink into, mine is like mountains that he has a real problem getting comfy on. So while the girls are great for food, I've decided that they are not so great for falling asleep.

  6. D
    August 19th, 2010 @ 1:25 pm

    Can you lend me the book after you write it and toss it at him? K, thanks! They just don't get it!!!

  7. KLZ
    August 19th, 2010 @ 2:08 pm

    What you're doing WRONG?

    I almost just committed sympathetic hari-kari over here.

    I think you should threaten to quietly strangle him with that netting and then start poking some holes in his belt to let him know that you "notice" his appearance too.

  8. Mommy C
    August 19th, 2010 @ 7:21 pm

    I could have totally written this post (with slightly different examples). What is it about guys that make them completely oblivious to common sense? That being said, I am totally jealous that your hubby puts J to bed. Our routine includes hubby getting S ready for bed, but I nurse him and put him to sleep. I am thinking about reversing the order so that I can share the joys of putting him down to bed with hubby. Your post might just push me to make that change finally!

  9. breedwoman
    August 23rd, 2010 @ 5:45 pm

    OMG they are all the same. My husband will switch laundry and put it away, except for mine. I'll find all of my clothes piled up on my dresser waiting for me to put them away… thanks. My hubby is also a "joker" too… just want to smack the hell out of him sometimes!

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