An Argument I Don’t Want to Lose

Posted on | August 25, 2010 | 18 Comments

Husband and I have this running argument. It’s been going on for about a year now and I keep putting off the conclusion of it for fear of what it means. It goes a little something like this:

Me: I can’t wait to see J with his little brother or sister.
Husband: I’m not having any more kids.

You get the gist. There’s this chasm between his thinking and mine. I don’t want an only child. I want at least one more baby and wouldn’t be sad if there were two more. Husband doesn’t want any more. He says he’s fine with having one and doesn’t want to “go through all of this again.” (By which I think he means “watch me go through” because other than that, I don’t know what he’s gone through.)

Everyone told me to give it a year. That after a year he would be more excited about J and the idea of a second one. And I know we’re only JUST past a year, but he’s not really budging on the “no more kids” thing. And I’m not sure how I feel about this. It’s stressing me out to no end, partly because I really want more kids and partly because if J was going to be my one and only, I would have liked to know that up front so I could, I don’t know… enjoy it more. Not that I haven’t enjoyed J but, I don’t know… I would have savored so much more than I did.

I can’t see me not having more kids. I need another baby. And I don’t want any kids with anyone but Husband. (Just thought I should throw that out there.) I don’t really know what to do.  I’ve made it clear that I’m not looking to have another baby until 2012 but he still isn’t interested. I keep putting off the end of the “discussion” because I don’t really want to know which one of us wins. Because really? Don’t we both lose at the end? One of us is giving in. One of us is changing what we want to please the other. And that just doesn’t feel right.

I want another baby. And I don’t want to change that.

So now what?

Comments

18 Responses to “An Argument I Don’t Want to Lose”

  1. HarmSkills
    August 25th, 2010 @ 11:39 am

    its only in the past few weeks that baby fever has come up in our house, with C at 16/17 months and I think thats because he is becoming this amazing little person who walks and talks and is so sweet and makes us crave another. its only now that I can see past all the "crazy hard" stuff and imgaine doing it again. oh and C has been sleeping better, that helps!

    but if he is fundamentally saying no more kids, idk that is going to be a hard one. good luck!

  2. Cristy
    August 25th, 2010 @ 1:34 pm

    I'm in the same boat…except completely reverse. My husband wants many more children than I do…he's thinking 4, I'm thinking 2 now. I can tell I'm really disappointing him with this. It's a tough decision. How about you guys compromise? Tell him you want 3 and he wants 1, so you'll have 2. I think that's probably what husband and I will do…compromise at 3. Maybe spacing them so far apart is difficult too. just when your husband feels like things are settled down, you're going to want to turn his life upside down again. Maybe he'd prefer to just get the next one going really quickly? I dunno, just a thought.

  3. disastersindomesticity
    August 25th, 2010 @ 1:40 pm

    It's the opposite in our house. I don't want any more kids (one and done so to speak), but my husband is open to the idea of more kids. I'm lucky in the sense that it's not really an argument because my husband is more "we'll know it when/if we want more", so we hardly ever talk about it. But I think he figures that since it would impact me more in almost every way that even if he wants another, we wont if I'm not up for it.

  4. D
    August 25th, 2010 @ 1:43 pm

    This is a really tough one. And it's only something that you guys can talk out. Finding out the root of his reason for not wanting more kids may help you come up with a better argument. I wish there was a magic answer for this.

  5. Kristin @ Ellie-Town
    August 25th, 2010 @ 1:53 pm

    We've been debating between two or three since the second #2 popped out but I have a friend whose husband won't budge on another baby. It breaks her heart but unless she lies about taking birth control pills, she's only going to have one.

    I hope you can come to a resolution you can both be happy with!

  6. Mrs. Muffins
    August 25th, 2010 @ 2:12 pm

    Oh my hubby and I are the exact same… but opposite. I don't want any more, he *might*… I have no answers on what to do, I'm just hoping we'll eventually agree before our first is off to college, haha!

  7. Ms. Diva
    August 25th, 2010 @ 3:06 pm

    Wish I could help but I just thought about a baby and poof!! I sucked at birth control!!!! The only thing that stopped it was a TL!

  8. Metta1313
    August 25th, 2010 @ 3:22 pm

    Open up your babyproofing your marriage book and skip back to the chapter on adding another child. There is some information there, in between the info on how hard the transition is, that as moms, we actually tend to calm down a bit b/c we don't have time to obsess and micromanage. Read that to the hubs…or make him read it. See what it does to change his mind 🙂

    AND I think he will come around. My hubs is an only child and always said only one for us. But now, he's on board…well if it weren't for finances right now, but eventually I think we will have our second.

  9. Emily
    August 25th, 2010 @ 4:23 pm

    Things change. While fundamentally it will be hard to change "NO MORE KIDS EVER!" it CAN happen. I said ONLY ONE! Then? ONLY 3! and now? I am not set on just 3. Basically as things change & J gets bigger he may change his mind. But, if you agreed to one child at any point and he DOESN'T change his mind, you can't really argue, since you agreed to one. Verbal contract?

  10. Suzanne
    August 25th, 2010 @ 6:08 pm

    One of my husband's co-workers SWORE he would NEVER have more kids. The one they had was IT. WHAT kind of crazy people have MORE? His wife felt mostly the same way, although she wasn't quite as fast to scream "NO WAY!!" when people asked if they were having more.

    After spending a year with us – we hung out with them at least once a week since Baby Evan was a couple months old – they pulled a 180. They're going to start trying for #2 in September. Their daughter is 4, she's starting school, they're still young and babies are just so cuuuute.

    Unless you have an urgent medical reason to start trying for another one right NOW NOW NOW, I would recommend just being patient. Once J is older and a little more self-sufficient adding a second baby doesn't seem like such a daunting task. Neither of you will be happy if this turns into a constant fight and NO ONE benefits if your potential second baby becomes the center of resentment – "Well, *I* didn't want this kid, why should *I* make sacrifices??" Not that your husband is enough of a jerk to actual say something like that.

    Good luck. I think this is a pretty common problem so hopefully someone will have better advice.

  11. ~*Jess*~
    August 25th, 2010 @ 7:26 pm

    Just keep holding on. Time changes thing. At one point I could never imagine another child besides Ava, but now? I can finally get that. I can see having another baby.

    So…

  12. LCW@wakingupwilliams
    August 25th, 2010 @ 7:36 pm

    Ok, surely you both discussed this before marriage…right? I'm going to assume that's a "yes, ma'am, we did". So with the obvious aside, what were Husband's thoughts on children pre-marriage? Has it changed? Every baby is different, struggles you went through (are going through) with J will be different or non-existent with baby #2.

    Also, I really feel like with more than one baby you're more relaxed, you've been through it all before, you know what to expect and can at least be prepared for what's coming, rather than feeling like a Mac truck hit you without any notice.

    I know for me if my husband (well I guess boyfriend before marriage)) didnt agree on children, there wouldn't have been a marriage. I feel that strongly about having at least 3 children. He and I are set on 3, I'd love 4, but we agree on 3 and that's what's important. Plus, 4 kids…that's a shitload of kids.

  13. Law Momma
    August 25th, 2010 @ 7:38 pm

    There was, I thought, complete agreement on children. We certainly discussed it on several occasions and I thought I made it clear that I wanted at least two. Husband seems to have a different recollection of our pre-marriage discussions. Therein lies the root of our problem! 🙂

  14. LCW@wakingupwilliams
    August 25th, 2010 @ 8:02 pm

    I pray you come to an agreement and you win!

  15. Facie
    August 26th, 2010 @ 1:58 am

    Give it time. As some others said, people change their minds. I put off having kids for years b/c I just did not think it was for me. When we (and by we I mostly mean he) finally decided to go for it, I was not really on board, and after a couple months I finally told hubby that I just could not do it. A week or two later, there were two lines on a stick, for which I thank God.

    Now hubby is 100 percent sure we are done, and I am 99. I keep saying that when I turn (insert age), I will officially say I am done, but I just can't quite get there.

    Good luck. But whatever you do, you will make it the right decision.

  16. Anonymous
    August 26th, 2010 @ 8:46 pm

    Be patient! I agree with the other comments about giving your firstborn more time to become less high maintenance. It is a little odd when you think about reasons for purposefully having another child. Is it just for you (selfish? your current angel isn't enough?)? Is it for your son (ordering up a playmate?)? Is it just because that's what you always thought you'd do (obligation?)?
    Ultimately – remember that getting pregnant isn't a given. We aren't in complete control of our procreation. A woman's need to have more babies is pretty strong. I think you'll wear Husband down 🙂 But it is nice to have an older child now having my second (my firstborn is 3yr old). My husband is his BFF while the new guy is glued to me. And he's potty trained!!

  17. Anonymous
    August 26th, 2010 @ 10:50 pm

    Same thing happened to me. Because we waited so long for child #1, having child #2 wasn't a decision we could delay for much longer. What I felt honestly was that when my husband said he didn't want to "go through it all again" what he was really meaning was he didn't want even more attention being diverted from … him. Most of my friends are male and I see this pattern with babies quite a bit. But I was adamant – an only child with aging parents? No way. In the end, child #2 came along by happy accident 4 years later. We could not be happier.

  18. Jayme
    August 27th, 2010 @ 8:26 pm

    My husband said he was done a few times… when we really weren't.

    At one point, I knew I wanted another and was ready for another, and I told him I was going off of birth control, so if he didn't want more kids, he needed to take charge of preventing them. That lasted all of about a month before he suddenly decided that one more baby wouldn't be a bad idea.

    I've had two more since that one more baby- and those two were his idea LOL

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