Where I Blog about … The Internet (da da dummmmm)

Posted on | September 25, 2010 | No Comments

The Internet is a dangerous place.

Yes, there is the obvious crazy-eyed psychopath who preys on 12 year old girls, but I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about what the internet does to us “normal” folk. To those of us who are just looking for a way out of the every day. Looking for someone who “gets” us.

Because sometimes? We find those people on the internet.

And don’t get me wrong, those people are wonderful. They agree with you. If you don’t like their opinion? You just don’t talk to them anymore. You can actually surround yourself with a cushion of people who seem to think or feel or act just. like. you.

Maybe they’re just lonely and want you to like them. Maybe they’re thinking you’re the “cool person” to talk to. Maybe they are that crazy-eyed psycho. But more than likely, they actually are people just like you, maybe people who have lost a little of the nerve… a little of the actual drive to get out and meet people in their community. People who find solace in sitting on the sofa with a glass of wine and talking to strangers who can not look them in the eye and judge them. Strangers who can not see when they are crying or tell when they’ve had too much to drink.

The internet has been my savior and my downfall.

Since I started blogging, I have found a world I didn’t know existed. I have met wonderful people who I never would have met anywhere else. I have bonded with people who I probably wouldn’t have given a second thought to in “real life.” And I treasure those people. I love all of the people who email and tweet with me. Who Gchat me to sanity. Who make me laugh on days when nothing seems right.

But this 24-7 happy little world that lives in my computer is just. not. real. The reality of my life is that I have a husband who needs more of my attention than I give him. I have a job that needs me to be more present than I often am. I have a life that still needs living. And I get so roped up in the happy little world where I’m amusing and clever and sometimes witty, that I forget that there are people right here in my living room who would prefer that I pay just a little more attention to them after the baby goes to bed.

I don’t know how to juggle everything I have. I don’t know how to close the laptop and say “no more twitter tonight.” The internet has made me afraid that I’ll miss something funny or happy or sad. And more than that, it’s made me semi-dependent on a variety of people who I can not sit and have a coffee with on any given day. And I’m not sure that’s healthy.

Blogging is a great outlet for me. It’s a wonderful place for me to just spill out the thoughts in my head, whatever they are, and share them with random people who, for the most part, do not see me on a daily or semi-daily basis. But is it a “safe” outlet? That remains to be seen.  This world that I’ve created in these pages tends to make me forget about my everyday life because it’s just not as fun. There are no wine parties. There are no people who have suffered PPD. There are no fun moms to have drinks or coffee with.

I don’t know what I’m saying, guys. I’m knee deep in a glass of wine.  And what started all of this? Glad you asked.

A comment I got on one of my posts really hit home. In it, the girl said “If you want a career, and it seems you do…” and a lot of other stuff, but that part hit home. Does it seem like I want a career? Does it? Because in my mind I’m not so sure. I read through these posts and I think “What am I doing?”

Am I just straddling the line between motherhood and career? Am I failing at both? Am I succeeding at either? I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I want. I haven’t known what I wanted in a really, really, really long time.

And I think it’s time to figure that out. It’s time to ask what I want. Because I know that I love this world I’ve created. I know that I enjoy all my mom friends I’ve met on the internet. But I don’t know that I love my REAL life. And I need to love that life, too. So maybe it’s time to close the computer for a while. I’m not shutting the door on blogging because, come on guys, I need this outlet! But I am closing the door on my internet dependency.  If I want a career or a family, then I need to spend the time cultivating relationships with the people who make those thing a reality.  Because at the end (and the beginning) of each day, those are the people who should matter the most.

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    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at http://www.law-momma.com.
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