Giving Stephen King his What For

Posted on | October 29, 2010 | 8 Comments

I have an overactive imagination. Always have had. When I was a little girl, my Aunt was spending the night at our house. She got up and went downstairs and asked my mother just how many friends I had over that morning. My mother looked a little confused.

“None?” She side-eyed my Aunt.
“But I heard several different children talking!”
“Oh, no. That’s just her. All her Fisher Price little people have different voices and back stories.”

Yep. I was THAT kid.

So it’s no wonder that my best friend and worst enemy are all tangled up together in the mess that is my mind. I can pretty much convince myself of anything.

When I was just a wee Law Daughter, I was convinced that the Boogey man lived in my house. He could change forms and was often “seen” as Elliot, Pete’s Dragon, when in his invisible state. I could totally convince myself that there was a giant, invisible dragon standing in the corner, watching my every move. Of course, it didn’t help that my sister egged this on by telling me she could actually see him and order him around. Her orders, by the way, were always wicked and involved things like “If my sister even THINKS about pretending she is Snow White or Cinderella while I’m at preschool today…. eat her.”

As I got older, I didn’t so much worry about the boogey man, zombies, or other spooky and/or ghoulish types. My mind got a little more advanced. A little more frightful. A tad bit… Stephen King’s Worst Nightmare Spooky, to be honest.  Sometimes I think my mind could totally eff up Stephen King. (side note: Did anyone else watch that horrifying “When a Stranger Calls” movie? Because that screwed me up for YEARS).

And it’s always the worst when I’m alone. Like today.

Normally? I love nothing more than taking a shower when I don’t have to. You know, not in the mornings to get ready for work, or after the gym… just… because. You can relax, take your time, and in general have peace and quiet for a bit. But when I’m by myself, the shower is a terrifying place. In our apartment, the bathroom door doesn’t lock. This shouldn’t be a big deal to most people but to me? It’s a HUGE deal.

On a normal day, I can forget that the door doesn’t lock and rush through my shower to get ready for work. But today? No can do. I was super pumped about taking a long, hot shower. But about mid-way through Conditioner, I remembered the bathroom door doesn’t lock. Then I remembered I hadn’t checked to see if the back door was locked. Then I remembered that my mind is a cruel and cold-hearted biznatch.

I started to think how horrible it would be if a crazy lady was wandering the apartment complex and stumbled into my apartment. I thought about how she would probably be humming to herself.. you know, because she’s crazy. And then I swear to you, I could HEAR humming. I was all “Oh God. I made this happen. I thought about the crazy humming lady and now she’s in the bathroom!”

And when you get to that point, really? What do you do? You don’t want to look. Because maybe the scary humming lady doesn’t realize there’s someone else there. And you don’t want to NOT look, because maybe there is no scary humming lady. So I was sort of petrified. Standing there butt ass naked trying not to make a sound but straining to see if there was humming. Then I started trying to figure out what I could use for a weapon if there was, indeed, a scary humming lady in my bathroom.

Are you full on howling with laughter at me yet? Because I’m just. that. crazy. Luckily, I managed to tell my mind to shut up, finish my shower (albeit VERY quickly), scan the room for scary humming ladies (of which there were none), and get back to normal.

But the mind? It is a terrible, terrible thing to use… when you’re showering. Alone. With a door that doesn’t lock.


8 Responses to “Giving Stephen King his What For”

  1. Stephanie Doyle
    October 29th, 2010 @ 6:04 pm

    This post cracks me up 🙂 I love that you had different voices for your toys.

  2. Nicci @ Changing the Universe
    October 29th, 2010 @ 6:04 pm

    I can beat that. Once, while showering at my mom's house, I SWORE I heard the cabinet doors under the sink open and close. It kept opening and closing. Cue overactive imagination! I swore there was a midget in the cabinet and every so often was peeking his head out, watching for me to get out of the shower so he could jump out and attack and kill me.

    That was the longest shower I ever took. I figured if I delayed long enough, he'd eventually grow bored and give up on killing me. Or my mom would come in the bathroom asking what was wrong with me and tell me to hurry up.

    And to this day, I STILL cannot sleep with a limb hanging over the edge of the bed. We all know the monsters that live under the bed grab those first!

    I'm not allowed to watch horror movies anymore for those (and several other) reasons.

  3. ~*Jess*~
    October 29th, 2010 @ 6:11 pm

    LOL. I'm sorry your shower was ruined today. But, hehe.

  4. CaneWife
    October 29th, 2010 @ 6:15 pm

    Oh, hai. When MacGyver is out of town, I look for intruders and crazy critters throughout the house. Under all the beds, in the washer & dryer, in the air vents. You never know where they will hide.

  5. Cecelia Winesap
    October 29th, 2010 @ 7:22 pm

    I most definitely do that! I had myself convinced the other day that there was a person in my closet and it took me twenty minutes of getting up the nerve to look. It turned out to be my damn cat.

  6. Mommy C
    October 29th, 2010 @ 7:46 pm

    I am like this a lot. It got worse after I had my son. I will be nursing him upstairs and his room and think I hear something so I have to play out in my head what I would do…I have so many examples it is nuts. I have been told it is totally normal, but it sure doesn't feel normal. I keep trying to remind myself that I used to live alone, all by my little self, and never got scared. Why now? I have turned into a wimp!

  7. Kim
    October 29th, 2010 @ 8:16 pm

    lol, this is so great! I am grinning from ear to ear. Now I feel so much more normal!! When I was a kid my dad built a dock on the lake, that you'd 'park' your boat next to. Great, right? Only it had spaces between the boards. And I'd just read Stephen King's The Raft. So I refused to step one foot on the damn thing. Thankfully, he realized that I was dead serious before he actually put it in the water. He scootched the boards closer together and I was able to use the dock, happily, for years. Do you think Mr. King has any idea how much he has messed with the population??

  8. Alena @ Charmingly Chandler
    October 30th, 2010 @ 4:36 pm

    Did you have a weapon??? Abnormally large conditioner? A shower head with the hose so you can swing it around and appear scary (While covering your girl parts because you don't want the scary humming lady to see you!!).

    This is actually why I can't watch scary movies. Like even Saw which is more gore than scare…ugh. Makes me edgy for weeks.

  • Creative Commons License
    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at
  • Twitter

  • Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner


  • Grab my button for your blog!