I Need Help.

Posted on | December 21, 2010 | 29 Comments

The thing about depression is that it never really goes away.

It’s in the car behind you at the stop light, easing forward until it almost taps your bumper. It’s the bing of an email in your inbox. It’s the buzzing vibration of your telephone, signaling a voice mail or a text or an incoming call.  Depression is like the smelly guy who always finds a way to sit next to you on the airplane and breathes his halitosis onto your face until you think you’re going to pass out.

I hate depression. I wish there were a magic wand I could wave and make it just disappear from the world because it is such a terrible thing to struggle through. It’s like being in knee deep mud and trying to win a race. And depression when you are a crazed control freak is …

there are no words.

The worst part about going through all this crazy PPA/PPD/PPOhmigodshootme is that I can’t control it. I do not have the ability to just turn it off. And if there is one thing in the world I hate more than all else it is handing control to someone else. I’ve struggled with that concept as a Christian and failed. I’ve struggled with that in my marriage… and fail daily. I don’t even like to ride in a car driven by someone else. And an airplane? Where someone I don’t even KNOW is “driving?” Panic city. So when you throw my control-freak self into a situation like I’m in now… I shut down. I don’t know how to deal when I actually have to ask for help.

But here’s the scoop… the nasty, if you will… I need help.

I need help at work.

I need help at home.

I need help with raising my child.

And I need help dealing with this tidal wave of depression that hovers over me, waiting to crash down and cripple me.

I don’t like admitting that. I’ve been trying to do this MY way. I’ve been regulating my own medication. I’ve been convincing myself that I don’t need anyone else to help me deal with this. I’ve been the voice on my shoulder, the voice in my head, and the voice trying to sing louder than all the other voices chiming in to tell me to get. some. help.

But it’s time.

It’s time to put my pride aside. It’s time to realize that I don’t have to do this by myself. I have a wonderful and supportive extended family. I have a wonderful and supportive group of friends. And I have to let them help me or I’m going to cease to function entirely.

So this is me.

Asking for help.

It’s time.

Comments

29 Responses to “I Need Help.”

  1. HEADA
    December 21st, 2010 @ 2:55 am

    I'm in the same boat and same place as you. You are not alone. Hope you find some peace and help. <3

  2. Mommy 2 RoyalT
    December 21st, 2010 @ 2:57 am

    I think the holidays are the VERY worst time for this. I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember and I have the added guilt of being a Nurse. If you just need to talk I truly do know what you are going through. Medication can help if you find the right doctor to help. Just let me know if you need anything, even if it is just a listening, non-judgemental ear…

  3. Jana A
    December 21st, 2010 @ 2:59 am

    I'm thinking of you and wishing there was a way I could help. I can only lend an ear and lots of love and prayers. (((hugs)))

  4. Facie
    December 21st, 2010 @ 3:11 am

    I am sure you know this already, but just saying you need help is a big deal. My mom has struggled with depression for about 20 years. She is finally back on meds and talking to a therapist. Hopefully those two things together work.

    I wish you all the best, particularly during this crazy, hectic time of year.

  5. Katie Jones
    December 21st, 2010 @ 3:27 am

    Sweet Law Momma,

    I have been reading your blog for…8 months now? So I feel like I know you, obvs. 🙂

    I am a fellow depressionista, and I love the way you described it. It's like a dark cloud that hovers over me, just waiting for the opportunity to rain.

    Last March I finally gave up and told my husband to call and make me an appointment with a psychiatrist. I told him, "I need help. I want a woman doctor. Go." and he did the rest. I couldnt bare to do the calling…

    But I went in to my very first psychiatric appointment, cried my eyes out, and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. It turns out that I had beed suffering from it for YEARS. As long as I could remember.

    With the help of my new bff, Pristiq, I am now a completely different person. I'm no longer a sad person with glimpses of happiness, I'm a content person with moments of down-ness.

    Please keep us updated on your journey to help. We are here for you, and it helps women like me to read your honesty. 🙂

  6. Metta1313
    December 21st, 2010 @ 4:13 am

    would an e hug help? I wish i could do more.

    sending good vibes your way!

  7. ~*Jess*~
    December 21st, 2010 @ 4:48 am

    I have nothing brilliant other than I hope you can open yourself to allow help. You deserve it. Hugs.

  8. The Insanity of Yca
    December 21st, 2010 @ 9:04 am

    The other ladies have already nailed it. Asking for help is tremendously hard … allowing someone else to help you is even harder. I can tell you what helped me – but for every person it is different.

    My husband has diabetes. A physical disorder that he has to manage, medicate, monitor … if he doesn't, he could get very ill. When he doesn't manage his diabetes, he isn't a healthy man, and therefore isn't the best father, husband, etc.

    My depression is the same way. I have to manage it, medicate it, and monitor it. If I don't let someone step in and help me with it, I'm not a great woman, wife, mommy or friend. Depression is the result of the body's inability to produce certain chemicals it needs. Just like diabetes.

    I've watched you struggle, and I have struggled with you. It is so hard to walk the rope that we do. Forget living up to Perfect Mommy status – I just want to make it to "Not freaking out and being the worst mom ever" status.

    The bonus part? Safety in numbers. The women here who read you and get you … we're going thru many of the same exact struggles. Sometimes that's 1yo temper tantrums, and sometimes its severe depression.

  9. Angie
    December 21st, 2010 @ 10:48 am

    Good for you for admitting you need help. We are currently dealing with the same in my family…and all I wish is for my brother to realize he needs help, that we're here for him and that he doesn't have to walk this walk alone. It's hard.
    I hope you start feeling better real quick. 🙂

  10. Shelley
    December 21st, 2010 @ 12:49 pm

    Nearly 2 years ago I swallowed my pride and made a call to my family doctor. I went into her office and cried like a baby. This poor woman has seen me cry way too many times. She was the one to tell me I was pregnant and then she sat there with me as a cried like an insane fool.

    Sometimes people are just a little (or a lot) blue and need something to help me be less blue. My doctor prescribed me Lexapro which I took for several months and felt like a new person. I went from saying "I can't…" to "I will try…". I went from not even wanting to get out of bed to getting up when the first alarm went off. I went from my husband telling me that I was a crazed lunatic to a decently happy marriage.

    I stopped taking Lexapro after 3 refills because my insurance company thinks it's fun to mess around with people's medicine. They would only refill the medicine 3 times at a pharmacy and then required that I switch to mail order meds. I refused to do mail order as I have various drug dealer and drug user neighbors who like to steal our mail.

    Anyway, I stopped taking the meds well over a year ago. Yesterday afternoon I called my doctor again for an appointment. I feel like a wreck.

  11. legallyinsanemommy
    December 21st, 2010 @ 1:18 pm

    I hear ya. I'm a self-proclaimed, trying to recover, control freak, attorney, mother and recovering from PTSD/PPD and a string of other acronyms. Medication helps. Therapy helps. I tell other mothers this about therapy – it is a time where YOU get to talk about what YOU want for an entire hour without being interrupted by any children, phones, work, husbands or anything else. I often told my therapist I would gladly pay her the $40 copay if I could just schedule an appointment to come sit on her couch and veg for an hour.

    Seriously medication helps a lot. But counseling is a huge help too. Hang in there and hugs to you.

  12. Blair@HeirtoBlair
    December 21st, 2010 @ 1:36 pm

    love you. simple as that.

    I know it's not much. But at the end of the day, there is a gal in North Carolina that thinks you are the cat's pajamas & knows you are strong enough to get through this & come out better than ever.

  13. R's Mom
    December 21st, 2010 @ 1:46 pm

    Sweetie, I don't know you except for reading your blog, but I am so proud of you for asking for help. If there is anything that we over the interwebs can offer, you know that you have a boatload of people who will (including myself).

    I have suffered from depression in the past, and have family members who have suffered. And I feel like I have seen the haze of depression hanging over so many of your posts the past several months…And it made me ache to read these things from afar…I wanted to reach across the screen and tell you that you don't have to go at it alone.

    I hope you can find a good therapist, and a doctor who can help you regulate your meds. Good luck! You have a lot of people supporting you…don't be afraid to lean on them.

  14. Erin
    December 21st, 2010 @ 2:31 pm

    I am with Blair!!! You have a following in PA – we think you are AMAZING!!!! You speak the truth in an amazing way – we (my mother, all of my aunts, and my friends) we follow you faithfully!!

    Thank you for sharing about your struggle – I am with you –

    I have been on Lexapro for 4 years – I'll never go off again – tried to weam myself off b/c I convinced myself it was the reason I was still carrying extra belly weight –

    but after I had a FULL BLOWN BREAKDOWN – I decided to NEVER go there again –

    You will find your way.

    You have approx. 600 people on the Interwebs who will help you anyway we can.

    (((HUGS))) I wish I could do more.

  15. Tiffany
    December 21st, 2010 @ 2:39 pm

    You CAN do this. You are loved, obviously. And you have an amazing support system right here. Women who have been there…

    love you.

  16. Nicci @ Changing the Universe
    December 21st, 2010 @ 3:15 pm

    Oh hon! I want to reach through the computer screen and grab you and hug you!

    I'm so, so proud of you for seeing that you need help, that you need to let go.

    You are an amazing woman and an even better mother. If you need anything, you know I'm just an email or tweet away.

  17. cltuptownmom
    December 21st, 2010 @ 3:23 pm

    (HUGS) Wish there was something I could do to make it all better. But hopefully an "I love you" will bring a brief smile to your face. I feel totally overwhelmed right now too. Not same thing as PPD but I need help with work, life, home, etc too. We need a band of sisterhood moments (and a mini vacay) to get us through it. Love you

  18. Mama Fisch
    December 21st, 2010 @ 3:46 pm

    I wish I had the magic words or solution for you but I don't. I just want you to know that I may not "know" what you are going through I relate and I have been reading your blog forever. You are a good lawyer, good mama and good wife. Hang in there. A hug from Chicago coming to you!

  19. Molly
    December 21st, 2010 @ 4:06 pm

    Oh honey. I will repeat what everyone else has written. You are NOT alone in your struggle. I was diagnose with bipolar II disorder 4 years ago after being incorrectly diagnosed with clinical depression in my teens.

    I have lost count of the number of therapists, psychiatrists I've seen and have taken so many drugs that I consider myself a human guinea pig. I don't like it one bit.

    But you know what? I continue to do the hard work it takes to stay well. When it was just me I could choose to stay sick. But now? I've got two tiny people who look at me like I am an angel from heaven. They NEED me to be well and stay well. I don't have the right to be sick and wallow in my pride any more, ya know?

    I am proud of you. First step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Second step is admitting you need help. I love you girl. You deserve to be happy!

  20. Elizabeth Phillips
    December 21st, 2010 @ 9:10 pm

    Ahhhh…. sweet, funny friend…I had PPD with H. I took something (can't remember the name of it) for perhaps a year? I'd wanted to come off it sooner, but when your husband gets laid off, it is not the right time to be Jonesing for your happy pills.
    That said, I would encourage you to embrace the freedom that comes from NOT being in control. Trust those you love to care for you. Worst case scenario is that the world really will fall apart and then you can smugly say, "See? Told you so."
    Also, I am connecting the dots from yesterday's and today's post and I'll say this…I always always always feel better about myself and the world after 30 minutes on the elliptical.

  21. Megan Colyer
    December 21st, 2010 @ 10:45 pm

    Dear Law Momma,

    I’ve been following your blog and have noticed you write about being a mother and other daily hardships.

    The reason I'm leaving you a comment is that I'm the intern for StageofLife.com, and I am looking for bloggers who might be interested in guest writing on our site. Could we feature you? We work with talented writers and bloggers to build a network of stories, crossing all stages of life, that will help make the world a better place, and I think our readers would gain a lot from your life perspective.

    Thank you in advance for your time and consideration and I look forward to hearing from you if you are interested. My email is megan.colyer@stageoflife.com. Thanks!

    Megan

  22. CAGirl
    December 22nd, 2010 @ 1:17 am

    Hi Law Momma,

    Sending you virtual hugs! Admitting you need help is the first step and it takes a lot of courage & strength to do that. You are strong & funny & sweet and you CAN get through this. Just take it one step at a time. Good luck!

    CAGirl

  23. bad breath
    December 22nd, 2010 @ 2:49 am

    When I notice a client has halitosis/bad breath or complains of post nasal drip and tonsil stones despite having healthy teeth & gums, I advise the client to visit the site of Oraltech Labs. I can report clients return visits have undetectable Halitosis/bad breath. So if all else fails direct them to Oraltech Labs. USA & UK. Association of Dental Health

  24. Jessica@ Raising an Owlet
    December 22nd, 2010 @ 3:59 am

    Hi Law Momma,
    I just want you to know, as I'm sure you do by now from the 20 something comments, that you are not alone. I also struggle with bouts of depression. While not full on PPD, I feel like I've also had this black cloud following me, waiting for me to slow down enough so that it can pour down on me.
    I agree with others, talking to someone can help, and I don't say that just as a therapist myself, I say that because I've gone to my own therapist. In fact, I'm thinking it's time to start going again.
    Sending you tons of internet hugs.

  25. Heather
    December 22nd, 2010 @ 1:46 pm

    I don't think I can add anything beyond what's already been said, but wanted to add myself to the pool of people sending virtual hugs and support. As I've said to you before, sometimes it's easier to talk to complete strangers (on the internet or in a therapist's office) than the people close to you because you worry less and open up more.

    A lot of people cry out for help and nobody hears them, so the fact that you have so many people to listen and support you is a blessing! They will never let you crash. Hang in there!

    Heather (who started crying in the car for NO particular reason yesterday, btw…)

  26. Heather
    December 22nd, 2010 @ 1:47 pm

    P.S. On a lighter note, did anyone else find the bad breath comment pretty funny? Methinks someone has a robot-program that scans blogs for key words and automatically adds comments, because you were clearly making an analogy! 🙂

  27. Christy
    December 22nd, 2010 @ 3:29 pm

    Law Momma,
    From reading your post and all the wonderful comments, this has made me think even harder about getting help. I have never been diagnosed, never been to a therapist, but have had my emotions get out of hand more than once. I have had that weight sitting on my shoulders that have caused me to miss work b/c I just couldn't get out of bed. I guess I just thought I could figure it out on my own, but it's not really working.

    I'm like you as well where I struggle with trust issues; in Christianiy, in my marriage, in my emotional life.

    It's hard, but reading all these great women who have struggled with the same thing makes me really consider screaming out that I need help too.

    Thanks for writing this and being so honest.

  28. Hoosier Momma
    December 23rd, 2010 @ 1:21 am

    I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I have struggled with depression for years. Being a mother has only made it worse, and made me feel more guilty for being depressed.

    You describe it so amazingly well, and it breaks my heart to know so many others feel this way; but I'm glad that you have taken the first step to realize that you have to do something and you need help.

    Ultimately, if you are depressed, you are not doing yourself, your husband, or J any favors. I have noticed that when I'm feeling more depressed, my daughter seems "off", too – I think they can feed off of our emotions. Please, get help you know you need. Start with your primary MD and get some meds and go from there. I know how it feels to want to take care of it yourself, but speaking from experience, meds help.

    Good luck.

  29. Kim
    December 27th, 2010 @ 11:40 pm

    This is the hardest and bravest thing you can do. It's also the greatest gift you can give to yourself and your family. I tried regulating my own meds . . .yeah. . . major fail. Asking for help is huge. HUGE. Good for you. You so don't want to go down the same road I did, waiting until you need hospitalization to get help. And you describe depression perfectly. I was reading your words, nodding my head and thinking, "oh yes, she gets this!" (good?) Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!!

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