Posted on | December 31, 2010 | No Comments
As an attorney, people put a lot of trust in what I have to say. When I give them answers, they usually trust that I know what I’m talking about. When I make a suggestion, they trust it’s the right one. In short, people invest a lot of trust in me. A lot of trust. And I hope that I am worthy of that trust. I hope that the people who tell me their stories and their heartaches know that their stories are safe with me. I hope that the people who express frustration with the system or with my boss or their boss know that their frustration is understood and will not be repeated.
I hope I’m trustworthy. I really do. I think that I am, to be honest. I would trust me if I weren’t, you know, me. And you would think that all of that trust that people place in me would instill in me a sense of accomplishment; a sense of self-worth and self-esteem. You’d be so very wrong.
In fact, I think the amount of trust that people place in me makes me feel less competent and less worthy of trust. I worry constantly that I will let them down. I worry constantly that I will let myself down. And most of all, because of the amount of trust other people place in me, I tend to withhold a lot of trust from other people. I suppose it stems from thinking I’m not quite competent to handle all the trust and therefore other people probably aren’t either.
One of the hardest challenges I’m facing as a mother is putting aside all that self-loathing and self-doubt. I have to step away from the me who says “You can’t do this, Law Momma!” and run towards a new me. A me that says “Rock on with your bad self, Law Momma” or at least “Okay, not too shoddy, love!” I have to embrace that I CAN do this and I have to embrace that I am worthy of the trust other people, and especially my son, place in me. But that’s a tough sell for a lifelong self-loather, guys. It’s hard to erase 33 years of saying “not good enough” and replace it with “totally rockstar amazing.”
Are there really women out there who believe they are amazing? I think there are. I think I went to high school with several. I would really like to believe that it’s possible in this day and age to raise a daughter who believes in herself whole heartedly. I’d like to believe that it’s possible to instill in a girl the understanding that she is perfectly wonderful just as she is. But I’m just not so sure. And that uncertainty is making me very wary about raising even a son. Because if I can’t believe in myself as a woman, how can I teach my son to believe in women? If I can’t trust in my competency, how can I instill in him the knowledge that women are just as competent and sometimes more competent than men?
I just want to wake up in the morning and believe that I’m awesome. I want to wake up and instead of wondering what I forgot to do on my checklist yesterday, wonder what amazing things will happen today. I want to trust in my ability to be an awesome me. I want to believe myself when I say “Trust me.” And I’ve got to figure out how to do that so I can teach it to my son and maybe even one day? To a daughter.