An Open Letter to Teething

Posted on | February 15, 2011 | 5 Comments

Dear Teething:

You are the bane of my otherwise semi-happy existence.  You swoop in with your mood swings and your large angry mouth lumps and possess my child with the fury of seventeen hounds of hell.  You sit on his shoulder and whisper to him that “Mommy will like it if you kick her in the face. Try it, you’ll see.”

I wish I could find you and beat you with the hard copy of Guess How Much I Love You… you know the one, the one you told J to throw at our dog? Yep. That one.  I would throw so many copies at you that you would forget to appear when the incisors come in and be too busy to return for two-year molars. 

I am tired of your attitude, teething.  I’m tired of your encouraged tears and fits of fury.  I hate your stupid ideas and the fact that you think smearing peas all over the wall is an awesome pass time.  I hate that  you wake my son up four to five times at night, apparently injecting him with blistering hot irons and causing wails that can only be described as “Harpy-esque.” 

Mostly though, I hate that I am powerless against you.  I hate that you have developed an immunity to Tylenol, Advil, Orajel, Hylands, and wine. (for me, not him). I hate that you make me sleep in a tiny ball in my son’s bedroom, waiting for the next wail, the next cry, the next agonizing hour of pain.

I promise I will buy you a freaking pony if you just go away and never come back. You can name him Frank and I won’t mind if you feed him donuts right from the box.  Hell, you can even eat the donuts. Just go away? Please?


5 Responses to “An Open Letter to Teething”

  1. IndyComp0T1
    February 15th, 2011 @ 4:13 pm

    Have you tried camilia? I haven’t tried it myself, but I have TONS of mommy friends who have used it on their kids, and they swear by it. I don’t know how easy it is to get it in the US, but in Canada, you can find it at any drugstore (over-the-counter). Hope this helps!

  2. KLZ
    February 15th, 2011 @ 4:26 pm

    Alex has only six teeth in front. And four molars.

    Yup, I freaking hate you teething.

  3. Jessica
    February 15th, 2011 @ 5:55 pm

    My toddler has her 8 front teeth and a bunch of bumps in her gums. She wakes up crying every night because her teeth hurt but the stupid things won’t pop through the gums. This has been going on for months. I’m with you, I hate you teething.

  4. Joy
    February 15th, 2011 @ 7:44 pm

    Teething is the worst. Both of my daughters did not do well with teething and would wake up crying at night and would be miserable all day. I am not looking forward to dealing with it again.

  5. Brandy
    February 16th, 2011 @ 2:56 pm

    i don’t know what to offer in lines of treating the pain at night, but during the day, frozen fresh fruit- bananas, granny smith apples, peaches, most firm fruits will work- given to the baby to chew on, it numbs the gums, thus reducing pain. (my children would have nothing to do with teething rings or toys, but LOVED the fruit.) just supervise them to make sure no chunks are bitten off- or you can buy a mesh feeder bag- The First Years, $3 at Wal-Mart- to put it in, as the fuit softens, it’s more or less pureed by time it gets out of the bag. clove oil works well too.
    i was also told you can take a q-tip dipped in Brandy and rub on the gums, it will numb the pain- i’ve not tried that one…

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