Having Kids Changes Everything…

Posted on | February 23, 2011 | 15 Comments

Today, something atrocious happened. And it’s something that hasn’t happened to me since… well, since I was just a little girl.  And it got me thinking about all the other things that have happened lately that never used to happen.  This year has been crazy already and I have a feeling it’s going to get crazier before it wises up.

To start with, last week I took J to daycare on Friday to discuss the broken bone incident.  I was raring to be all lawyerly and lay the smack down. I changed a massive poopy diaper for J and then we headed out to daycare.  When we were about five minutes from the the house, I noticed an atrocious smell.  There was poop somewhere. This never used to happen before I had kids.  I checked my shirt. I checked my hands.  I looked back at J to see if I had inexplicably smeared some on his outfit.  All negative.  And yet, there was poop somewhere.

Now, before having kids, this would have been an easy solution.  If you smell poop and you don’t have kids, the poop is on your shoe. Once you have kids? The poop could be any number of places so of course, the last place you look is your shoe.  In this case? It was on my shoe. I’d managed to step smack in a mound of dog poop on my defiant march to the car. If I hadn’t loved my shoes so much I would have thrown them out of the window… THAT is how bed it smelled.  So needless to say, my march into daycare was more of a hop and my intro, rather than being very authoritative and lawyerly was more… mom. I waltzed in and announced I needed to clean my shoe because I stepped in poop.  (Reason number #500 that I know his daycare is awesome? They immediately asked if I’d stepped in J’s poop… which would have been a feat, right? But I love that they went there.)

And then today. Oh today.  I wish I could say that things improved after the poop but nope.  Today I took J to the doctor and it turns out he has an ear infection.  By the time we left the doctor I sort of had to pee, but we’re moms, right? We can hold our pee.  We went to pick up his prescriptions and headed on home.  I even stopped to get the mail.  I’ve got this, I thought, I am almost home.

Oh. My. God.

People. I was fine at the mailbox. I WAS FINE AT THE MAILBOX.

Somehow, in the very short drive from the mailbox to the house, the urge to pee became a freaking NEED to pee that could only be assuaged by … well… peeing. Immediately.  Before I was a mom, I could have fought it.  I haven’t really worried too much about that kind of stuff in my life.  I got out of the car and walked around to J’s side.  Okay… walked is an exaggeration.  I was doubled over, pretending that I was in pain just so no one would think I had to pee.  I was walking, then stopping, walking, then stopping.  Until I got to J’s door. I opened it but the act of standing up made my bladder angry… so I plopped down on the side of the seat next to him.  I had to get him out of the car. I couldn’t just leave him sitting there while I went to pee… but oh God. The act of lifting my 30 pound child out of the car seat? Bad. Idea.

People.

I wet my pants.

Right in front of my house.

Shit like this NEVER happened to me before I had kids.

Comments

15 Responses to “Having Kids Changes Everything…”

  1. Leighann
    February 23rd, 2011 @ 9:49 pm

    I’m hysterical!!!
    Of course I’m laughing with you!
    The crap we don’t know before we have kids.
    My saturday was spent in a walmart fitting room trying on bras because my boobs are so droopy and jiggly they slide right out from under my bra when I put my arms up. No one told me I would have to pour my boobs into my bra!
    I say, pee your pants, you’ve earned it!

  2. Shanon
    February 23rd, 2011 @ 9:54 pm

    HaHaHa! I think the best / funniest stories come from mom’s.

    And tomorrow can only get better right!?

  3. Frelle
    February 23rd, 2011 @ 10:02 pm

    awesome.

    because, gee, this never happens to people who have given birth, right?

    I have four kids. Im hearin ya.

  4. Amy
    February 23rd, 2011 @ 11:45 pm

    bwahhahahaha. Thats the good part of living in the country. I just squat and pee in the driveway 😉

  5. Amy
    February 23rd, 2011 @ 11:47 pm

    Umm, and also. If if makes you feel any better, I also have pulled over on the way to Aub’s preschool and peed on the side of the road. Numerous times.

  6. Mommy 2.0
    February 24th, 2011 @ 2:10 am

    Oh my. I have SO been there. Although I don’t even need a 30 lb kid, a cough or sneeze can usually do it. I often look at my second daughter and wonder if she grabbed something from me on her way out. This never happened the first time around! Just started following you. Love this blog!

  7. Stephanie
    February 24th, 2011 @ 2:34 am

    I feel ya! my husband thinks I need diapers!

  8. Cheryl @ Mommypants
    February 24th, 2011 @ 3:28 am

    omg. I’m laughing! With you, I swear! Okay, maybe at you, too.. 😉

  9. KristinaYellow
    February 24th, 2011 @ 3:46 am

    Thank you for being brave to share this–moms have it so tough sometimes and it’s these things that just seem to be the icing on top of a crappy day!

  10. Suz @ Suz's Treats
    February 24th, 2011 @ 3:56 am

    Oh wow! Poop one day then pee the next… Like pp said, tomorrow can only get better right?

  11. Elizabeth
    February 24th, 2011 @ 4:02 am

    Dude. I peed in my pants just last week. In my house. I was on my way to the potty when Henry said he wanted to play outside. So I figured I could hold it just a bit as I stepped the three feet from the bathroom to open the door to our backyard. But then I sneezed. And peed my pants. So much so that I had to change not only my pants, but my socks as well. Let me know when you poop in your pants, because I’ve got some funny stories about that too…

  12. D
    February 24th, 2011 @ 2:13 pm

    So I accidently laughed out loud but then quickly stiffled it because honestly this IS going to happen to me soon, I just know it is. There have been way too many close calls for comfort!

  13. Toni
    February 24th, 2011 @ 3:26 pm

    Lol. I can’t laugh, sneeze or cough without pee coming out. It’s embarrassing, and annoying. And I barely make it 20 minutes without peeing in the morning after drinking coffee. I don’t know how I’d do it if I couldn’t get to the bathroom. I’ve had to leave meetings!

  14. Marlo
    February 24th, 2011 @ 8:45 pm

    This makes me feel better; I am TERRIFIED I am going to lose control. I gave birth to a 10 lb 6 ounce beautiful boy 4 1/2 months ago and my muscles are still shot… and I teach high school…! And the fact that I teach chorus and am a pumping mom means I need to drink water all the time! So at least when/if I do, I know I am not alone…

  15. monk
    March 8th, 2011 @ 1:39 pm

    I am laughing so hard I am crying. and might have to pee. Why was this not a GG email story?! I love you!

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