Friday Free For All

Posted on | March 4, 2011 | 5 Comments

I forgot to put this earlier and I’m so very sorry if I mislead anyone but this is a GUEST POST! Ha! I’m not pregnant and my mother is very very very much alive, happily for me .  But this is Friday Free For All, and that means someone else gets to post on my blog… not me. 🙂

Ok. Ok, I’m totally not an orphan.  That sounds dramatic.  But sometimes, I feel like it.  More with the drama, sorry. I’m pregnant, cut me some slack.

I lost my mom to cancer nearly five years ago this May.  It’s shocking to see that written. How has time gone by without her?  My parents were divorced when she died, but that wasn’t a big deal.  He was there for all of us and it was what I needed.  Of course, dad’s started dating since then.  He’s had a couple major girlfriends.  And sometimes, it leaves me feeling like I’ve lost both of them.

I’m not the spoiled kid living in a dream world wishing mom and dad would get back together. Hell, I just wish my mom was still here.  I don’t even live in the same city as my dad.  I see him maybe twice a year, if I’m lucky.  I talk to him nearly daily to check in and say hi.  But I miss my dad when he is around.  He’s not the same.  Him being in a relationship is so weird.  Not because of the usual things (well yeah, gross! that too), but because he’s not the same.  He doesn’t know how to still be him.

Dad came in town this weekend.  Finally.  After many requests and over a year and a half since his last visit.  He doesn’t go anywhere without her.  He had to make sure both their schedules worked before he planned a trip.  She’s busy at work.  It started out with much fanfare and excitement.  Then…I just wished they’d leave.  The disappointment.  The annoyance.  And the last visit?  Same thing happened then, too, only last time he came in for a family reunion we had for his side of the family and all of them noticed–not just me.

He doesn’t do anything without talking with her.   They go sit alone and do their own thing.  Remember the family reunion?  He didn’t talk with some of the family at lunch because they sat together at a table alone.  Even I ditched my husband and was chatting with all my cousins I hadn’t seen in ages.

He just isn’t fun.  Not even that, he’s just not the same person.  I’m all about him being happy.  Really, I am.  But I wish he was able to do it independently sometimes.  There’s a fine line between being in love and losing yourself.  They’ve crossed that line.  I wish he was able to have thoughts without first checking with her.  (Don’t get me wrong, she’s not bossy or domineering at all.  Quite the opposite.  She’s a meek mouse that really only speaks when spoken to. He ALWAYS has to include her. Always.)

Then you go from just thinking, “gah they are so freaking annoying, when is it time to go to the airport?” [yup that’s what I was thinking on Sunday morning right before the tears started quietly from frustration as I laid in bed] to thinking things that make you feel like an evil bitch.  Things you thought of after you lost your mom.  Things like I need my mom.  I need her, she’s the one I really want.  It’s disgusting to even write the words.  But things like, “if mom was here it’d be a way more awesome visit. My sweet angel would be having so much fun.  She’d love to stay the night with her and play and would be the favorite.  I wish she was still here.”  I don’t mean I wish it was him gone instead…but then it feels like it.

And I feel guilty.

I feel like a spoiled brat.  I’m grateful for him, truly and deeply.  Without him, I honestly don’t know what I’d do. Just sometimes, I feel alone.  Like I’ve lost them both.


5 Responses to “Friday Free For All”

  1. Jess@Straight Talk
    March 4th, 2011 @ 2:26 pm

    thank you, friend.

  2. KLZ
    March 4th, 2011 @ 3:53 pm

    Hope it gets better. Change is so hard, especially within family.

  3. WTH am I Doing
    March 4th, 2011 @ 3:53 pm

    Well, congrats on the baby (& welcome to the “another baby” club :))

    I understand how you feel. I had a similar issue with my dad – altho it wasn’t because of a new relationship (I adore my stepmom), but because of his drinking. He did not drink for most of my life. I was raised in an “alcohol is of the devil” household. i.e. my mom wouldn’t let him drink. After they split, my dad cozied up with the alcohol. I understood, but he wasn’t the same. He wasn’t my dad. Because of a bunch of other drama (some unrelated some not) he was my only real family…but he wasn’t him. It was hard. And sad.

    So I do get it.


  4. Melissa
    March 4th, 2011 @ 3:56 pm

    Best wishes on your pregnancy. I’m looking forward to learning how the pregnancy is as well as how working FT with 2 little ones is. I am an attorney too and am planning to try next spring so my LO will be 3 when the new one arrives.

  5. Leighann
    March 4th, 2011 @ 10:10 pm

    Congratulations on the pregnancy!!

    The issues with parents are miles long aren’t they.

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