Is this what they call a mid-life crisis?

Posted on | March 17, 2011 | 7 Comments

All my life I have believed that “old” is a state of mind.  I’ve always thought that you can just be “you,” whoever that is, forever.

But lately?

Lately I’m starting to wonder.

I don’t feel very me anymore. I feel old.  I feel boring.  I feel like I don’t know who I am. Or maybe that I just don’t like who I’ve become.

The other day, when I was driving up to Augusta, I turned up the radio and I totally rocked out.  And in my former lives, I would have believed that people thought I was adorable.  I would have believed that in every car I passed, there was probably someone in there who wished they were me or who were secretly in love with me. (Don’t judge me, I had my vain moments).

But on that day, on that drive, I was certain everyone thought I was crazy. I was certain I looked like a mad woman who was screaming at her inner demons.  When I passed a car, I turned the music down and focused intently on the road.

Where did my youth go and when did I start feeling so. damn. old? I’m only 33. That’s not old.  And yet there are moments when I sit at my desk and think about doing something crazy like going dancing until 2 am or getting a tattoo. There are moments when I want to walk out the door of my office and never look back; moments when I want to just drive with the windows down and pretend I don’t have a care in the world.

But I do, don’t I.  I have a lot of cares.  I have a lot of responsibilities. And that’s why I don’t do those things.  That’s why, at the end of the day, I just sit here and bill another hour. Or write another blog post.  Or cook another dinner.

I feel lost.

I feel old.

I feel like something, anything, ought to happen to make me feel young and beautiful again.  I want to feel carefree and crazy.  I want to stay up late and drink margaritas and wink at strangers, all the while knowing that Husband is waiting for me, just around the corner.  I want dance like no one is watching.  I want to just. be. young.

Just for a day.

Just for a moment.

Just to remember what it felt like to be me.

Comments

7 Responses to “Is this what they call a mid-life crisis?”

  1. eh230
    March 17th, 2011 @ 7:56 pm

    This post made me tear up, at my desk, in my fancy law firm. 🙁 I feel exactly the same way. I think my husband would call this being an adult. Frankly, it usually just makes me depressed.

    Now that I am a mom, I have a feeling that it will be this way until the kid or kids go off to college and I am close to retirement.

    I think it also doesn’t help when you don’t like your job (that’s just me).

  2. Brigitte
    March 18th, 2011 @ 3:10 am

    So go get a tattoo … I’m 41 & got one this past fall. It’s cheaper than buying a sports car. And who cares of if you look like a complete dork rocking out to music in your car? Unless it’s someone you actually know, you’re never going to see them again. Just go with it, I remember how difficult it is being a parent of a toddler. I have 3 kids, ages 16, 11 & 9. Hang in there & things will be ok!

  3. Allison
    March 18th, 2011 @ 3:44 am

    Oh Law Momma…I’m right there with you. Been a follower for a while and never commented, although you seem to be a long lost soul mate. Age is a state of mind…too bad I seem to have lost mine a few children ago 🙂 Keep up the good work…you are touching many of us 🙂

  4. KristinaYellow
    March 18th, 2011 @ 3:58 am

    It’s scary how you write what I’m thinking. I’m 30 and feel like I’m 50. Or even 80. Chronic illness is NOT helping. I love my toddler but geez, what happened to my life? I want to run away sometimes too…be wild and crazy and just do whatever I want, whenever I want, with no thoughts of responsibility or “shoulds.” But I don’t. And it sucks to feel like this. If you find a way to feel young, let me know. I promise to do the same.

  5. Jess@Straight Talk
    March 18th, 2011 @ 4:04 pm

    I feel the same way. I don’t really feel old, but I feel like a grown up and sometimes it sucks real bad. I miss the days of college when somehow, even though I worked at the mall and went to school (and paid rent) I managed to have more money for miscellaneous crap. No worries. No pressures.

    I wouldn’t change anything, but damn, grown ups aren’t always so fun.

  6. Mom Went Crazy
    March 19th, 2011 @ 1:26 am

    I feel this way sometimes! I’m nowhere near old yet but somedays, with two kids and work and housekeeping, I feel like I’ve aged 10 years in the span of three. Somedays I miss the carefree lifestyle and other days I wouldn’t trade it!

  7. Mo
    March 19th, 2011 @ 1:52 am

    Cold frosty beverages on a white sand beach while listening to a live band make you feel young. You need a break. I’n offering the destination anytime. 😉

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