Posted on | March 17, 2011 | 7 Comments
All my life I have believed that “old” is a state of mind. I’ve always thought that you can just be “you,” whoever that is, forever.
Lately I’m starting to wonder.
I don’t feel very me anymore. I feel old. I feel boring. I feel like I don’t know who I am. Or maybe that I just don’t like who I’ve become.
The other day, when I was driving up to Augusta, I turned up the radio and I totally rocked out. And in my former lives, I would have believed that people thought I was adorable. I would have believed that in every car I passed, there was probably someone in there who wished they were me or who were secretly in love with me. (Don’t judge me, I had my vain moments).
But on that day, on that drive, I was certain everyone thought I was crazy. I was certain I looked like a mad woman who was screaming at her inner demons. When I passed a car, I turned the music down and focused intently on the road.
Where did my youth go and when did I start feeling so. damn. old? I’m only 33. That’s not old. And yet there are moments when I sit at my desk and think about doing something crazy like going dancing until 2 am or getting a tattoo. There are moments when I want to walk out the door of my office and never look back; moments when I want to just drive with the windows down and pretend I don’t have a care in the world.
But I do, don’t I. I have a lot of cares. I have a lot of responsibilities. And that’s why I don’t do those things. That’s why, at the end of the day, I just sit here and bill another hour. Or write another blog post. Or cook another dinner.
I feel lost.
I feel old.
I feel like something, anything, ought to happen to make me feel young and beautiful again. I want to feel carefree and crazy. I want to stay up late and drink margaritas and wink at strangers, all the while knowing that Husband is waiting for me, just around the corner. I want dance like no one is watching. I want to just. be. young.
Just for a day.
Just for a moment.
Just to remember what it felt like to be me.