Posted on | March 18, 2011 | 16 Comments
When I was growing up, for some reason I equated the ability to fold a fitted sheet with adulthood. I thought that somewhere along the way, you learned the trick to folding those damn elastic sheets into something beautiful and flat like my Grandmother’s sheets and like the ones in my parents’ house.
Only here’s the thing… I am very much an adult. I don’t get carded at liquor stores. I don’t get whistled at or heckled by construction workers. I can even rent a freaking car. But guess what.
I can not fold a fitted sheet.
And I’ve seriously tried. I got that Housekeeping Handbook by Martha Stewart and I studied the chapter on laundry like I was taking a second bar exam. I followed the steps one by one and I STILL can’t fold a fitted sheet. It is one of the many reasons we have TWO sets of sheets in this house: one for my bed and one for J’s. That way I don’t have to fold any of those damn sheets. When we do the laundry, the sheets are washed, dried and placed neatly back on the bed… none of that funny folding crap.
There are just so many things I’ve seen other women do with relative ease that I just can not master. It’s not just fitted sheets. It’s things like ironing… how do you iron without creasing?? I always crease. And things like hair… my hair looks messy no matter what I do. How do you women get all shiny and perfect? I use Pantene! Where is my gloriously swishy and shiny hair!? Why does my hair look like I washed it with the bar of Dial left over from 1982?
And then there is my most recent domestic failure.
It’s one I repeat often. See, I am a lot of things. And I do a lot of things well. And I like to think that somewhere deep inside me, I am an amazing cook and baker. Sometimes, I come up with awesome dishes all on my own but most times I stick closely to a recipe. Husband says I am 50/50 on dishes I create and I bat a 1000 on following a recipe… except when it comes to baking. Well, that’s not entirely true. I am a fairly decent baker of things like brownies and cookies. What I do NOT do well, is ice a freaking cake.
Honest to God.
How do people do that? Am I just too impatient? Do I not let the cake cool down enough? My cakes pretty much always look like the neighbor’s four year old smashed a fist in it just before I tried to ice it. They taste good but the look so horrific. The center sinks down. The sides droop. Pieces of cake get mixed into the frosting. The frosting starts to melt and run down the sides.
How do you people do all this stuff? I see the pictures. I have been to your houses. You seem to have everything all figured out and you’re all “here, have a glass of homemade wine that I made from some grapes I grew in my spare time and take a seat on the loveseat. You like the slip cover? I sewed it yesterday from the drapes that my mother was going to throw away.” Seriously? I can’t even use a Bedazzler! Have you seen the people who use them? That thing is clearly idiot-proof.
Is there a class I can take? A Happy Homemaker class that will teach me how to do these things? Because I am sick of sucking at them. I’d like to quickly fold a fitted sheet. I’d like to ice a cake with a flourish without getting covered up to my elbows in confectioners sugar and sweating like a whore in church. I’d like to iron a pair of pants without splashing water on them, creasing them sideways and rendering them unwearable for at least a day. I’d freaking LOVE to go to work looking like a professional woman rather than an amateur drag queen.
Maybe I just need to pull out my Housekeeping Handbook and read it cover to cover. Surely Martha can help me.