Spinning on that Dizzy Edge

Posted on | April 13, 2011 | 8 Comments

When I was a little girl, I loved to stand in the back yard, arms outstretched, and spin until I couldn’t spin anymore.  I would twirl around until my knees buckled beneath me and I would begin to stagger as though I’d been shot.  Eventually, the world would turn bottom to top and east to west and I’d find myself lying on my back, staring up at the sky as it spun circles in my stillness.

And as I get older, so many times in my life I find myself in a similar position; flat on my back as the world moves around me.  Although I have often thought of myself as an instigator, I find that more often than not I am left reacting.  I am left still while things circle around me, spinning dizzily even when I close my eyes against the blur.   As a child, it was a fun game… how dizzy could I get and still stand?

It is not nearly as fun now.

And now, I find myself here, again, back pressed firm against the ground, head struggling to make sense of the colors, thoughts, and impressions in my head.  As a child, I would rush to my feet, ready to stagger around, bump into things, and in general look like the town drunk. But now? Now I am diving into the stillness.  I am enjoying the quiet, embracing the solidity of the ground beneath me… even as the sky threatens to fall and the very air around me shudders.

I have had enough of spinning, at least for now.

I have had enough reacting, at least for now.

If you need me, you can find me here… still against the grass, eyes closed against the pain.

Just me.

Quiet.

Still.

Waiting out the whirlwind.

Comments

8 Responses to “Spinning on that Dizzy Edge”

  1. Mrs. MidAtlantic
    April 13th, 2011 @ 2:32 pm

    The best part of the dizzying aspect of life is that eventually, just as it did when you were a child, the world comes back into focus. The clouds will stop spinning above you, the top will be top, east will be east. It might take some time, but eventually your life won’t be quite so dizzy anymore.

  2. Kimberly
    April 13th, 2011 @ 2:56 pm

    Fate must have brought me to your post today. I’ve avoided social media for the last week or so trying to collect my own thoughts amongst my whirlwind. Know I get this. I hate that I do but I do. You explained this feeling impeccably well.
    Let’s say we hold each others hands while we wait this out on the grass together. This is so better fought with an army don’t you think?
    Better days are ahead. Keep fighting hard and know that I am here for you ok? Always. We are not alone in this pain and never have to be.
    I’ll meet you out on the grass and let’s pray it’s not near any dog poop cause my backyard is covered in poop mines courtesy of my lab… 😉
    Xoxo we can do this.

  3. KLZ
    April 13th, 2011 @ 3:01 pm

    I will lay with you. We can even hold hands if you want.

  4. D
    April 13th, 2011 @ 3:59 pm

    The dizzy, out of control feeling used to be so much fun and even finding you balance afterwards. Not so much any more. As you find your new center, just know that there are so many of us surrounding you, ready to help you up if you fall and to just be with you – praying for you and supporting you.

  5. Cybil
    April 13th, 2011 @ 5:06 pm

    Thinking of you…

  6. Nancy
    April 13th, 2011 @ 7:02 pm

    *hugs*

  7. Jess@Straight Talk
    April 13th, 2011 @ 9:18 pm

    Just breathe. And take time and think about what you want…no rush. No pressure.

  8. LegallyInsaneMommy
    April 15th, 2011 @ 1:18 am

    I can definitely relate. I used to like to roll down a grassy hill – barrel roll. I feel like life is similar now.

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