Best Laid Plans

Posted on | April 20, 2011 | 26 Comments

Where do you turn when words fail you?

I’m just not sure.

I don’t know how to say what is in my head or make sense of the feelings weighing heavy on my heart.

Everything I thought I knew for certain has been ripped away.  All the precious things I held tight in my hands have scattered, slipping through the cracks of my fist like water in a sieve.  All the love I thought I had garnered has been pulled away, stolen and replaced with rust-colored despair, salty tears, and an overwhelming fear of the unknown.  I do not know how to be a single parent.  I did not plan to become a single parent.

I believed that marriage was holy. I believed that when my minister spoke the words “for better or worse” he meant for better OR worse. He meant forever.  We swore to love each other forever.

But you can’t make someone love you.

I believed that vows were sacred.  I believed that marriage was sacred.  I believed my marriage was sacred.

But you can’t make someone love you.

I have been mutilated by words.  I have been ripped to shreds by careless acts and careful plans . . . plans that didn’t include me.  I have been silenced when I wanted to scream and shackled when I wanted to run.  I have been mislead, misused, and worst of all, mistaken.

But you can not make someone love you.

You can not spin a web and tether those that you love to your ankle, forcing them to be there, forcing them to care.  You can not beg.  You can not plead.  You can do nothing but sit by and watch them leave, hoping the blame will leave with them.  Hoping you will wake up tomorrow and not wonder if you gained too much weight, or complained too much, or didn’t pay enough attention.  Hoping against hope that tomorrow you will wake up and you won’t wonder if it’s somehow all your fault.

And the worst part is that no matter the pain, no matter the hurt, no matter the aching hole left pouring wordless emotion out of my soul… I can not move forward.  I can not move.

I am frozen in isolation.

I am quaking in solitude.

I am … alone.

I did not plan on alone.

But you can’t make someone love you.

Comments

26 Responses to “Best Laid Plans”

  1. Anne @ A JD + Three
    April 20th, 2011 @ 2:19 am

    You cannot make someone love you, nor do you want to. I don’t blame you for being frozen – I recall the feeling of fear that froze me. Although it means nothing now, you will move again. Just hang on.

  2. KLZ
    April 20th, 2011 @ 2:21 am

    You don’t have to move. One day it will come naturally and you will move, you will run, but it doesn’t have to be today.

    It’s ok to take time to be still.

    You don’t have to move.

  3. Erika
    April 20th, 2011 @ 2:26 am

    For not having words you did a great job of findind some good ones.

    I see strength deep down in this, and
    really the lack of words will come from people trying to console you.

    Be strong mama!

  4. Natalie
    April 20th, 2011 @ 2:41 am

    I promise one day the hurt will change from a stabbing pain to a dull ache and eventually will be completely gone.
    You will move, walk and eventually run again. Your world will no longer feel like it’s spinning out of control.
    Just take one day at a time. And remember to breathe.

  5. Elizabeth
    April 20th, 2011 @ 2:42 am

    For so many reasons, I wish we lived closer. So I could cry with you, drink with you, let our kids pick each other’s noses when we tell them not to with you, So I could watch J when he’s sick for you, watch UNC b-ball with you. But since I am here and you are there, I will simply say this–you are NOT alone. Yes, there’s an empty side of the bed and it hurts and it sucks and I can’t even imagine what else. I can honestly say there are so many times of the day where my heart hurts for you and so I pray for you.

  6. Jessica @ Raising an Owlet
    April 20th, 2011 @ 3:06 am

    You don’t have to move right now. And you’re right, that you can’t make someone love you. But there is someone who loves you no matter what, that adorable little J. Right now, move for him.
    Someday things will be better and you will no longer ache the way you do now. I’m hoping that someday comes soon for you.

  7. Verna
    April 20th, 2011 @ 3:26 am

    My heart is breaking for you during this very difficult time. You are in my thoughts and prayers!!

  8. Kelster
    April 20th, 2011 @ 7:34 am

    I wish I could give you a realhug. But a virtual one will have to do.

  9. Cybil
    April 20th, 2011 @ 11:14 am

    I was in a very similar position almost one year ago… 2010 is a total blur to me. Take some time for yourself; go visit your family; focus on Jay. The shock and hurt will start to wear off when you least expect it.

    Thinking of you.

  10. Amy Magrinat
    April 20th, 2011 @ 12:43 pm

    this is NOT your fault. It is NOT. And you just stand still and let all the love that surrounds you move you.
    Love you…..

  11. R's Mom
    April 20th, 2011 @ 1:25 pm

    This is not your fault. And it will get easier. I’ve been there…I know the pain, and the isolation, and the frozen feeling (which is why I felt tears well up when reading this). But you will move on. There’s no recipe for it that I can give you, but one day you will suddenly realize that you are moving again — and it will just organically happen, it won’t be a consciencous decision. But it’s okay to be still for now. Just focus on you & J for now. Hugs…

  12. Jennifer
    April 20th, 2011 @ 2:21 pm

    You have done nothing wrong. Nothing you did differently could have changed him. He is who he is. And one day you will be stronger for having survived him.

  13. Melissa
    April 20th, 2011 @ 2:56 pm

    I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Its going to hurt but it WILL get better. Allow yourself to grieve and be scared. As you face the issues that you have no choice but to handle, you will grow stronger and more confident. You’re going to recover and heal.

  14. Mama Fisch
    April 20th, 2011 @ 3:07 pm

    You can’t make someone love you but I also know that some people don’t deserve to love you and you don’t want some people’s love. They don’t deserve to get to spend time with you or share with you.
    You got the best thing in Jude and you will come out of this better, stronger, and sturdier. You will be a single mom and own it. You deserve to be loved, wholly and fully in good times and bad, not when it was convenient.
    Hugs to you!

  15. Maija @ Maija's Mommy Moments
    April 20th, 2011 @ 4:19 pm

    You’re right – you can’t make someone love you. You may not have planned this but sometimes the best laid plans are the worst ones to have.

    Though, you may not have planned this, you CAN do this and you have a posse of readers behind you who are cheering you on.

  16. Sanele
    April 20th, 2011 @ 4:32 pm

    today I said a prayer for you. you will get through this and come out stronger than you were before.x

  17. LegallyInsaneMommy
    April 20th, 2011 @ 4:51 pm

    (((hugs)))

  18. KristinaYellow
    April 20th, 2011 @ 5:03 pm

    You don’t have to move. As long as your baby is ok, you can stand still with him. Hold him and listen to him breath. Know that he is truth and love-and he’ll help you find your way forward. I wish I knew you and could somehow help. Your words are so powerful-I hope they help you feel more in control.

  19. Tiffany @MomNom
    April 20th, 2011 @ 5:19 pm

    Don’t make yourself move. You’ll know when it’s time. This is absolutely NOT your fault. Dive deep into that sweet boy of yours and focus on what you can control, what you can do…and life will start to fall back together, day by day, piece by piece.

    xoxo

  20. Kimberly
    April 20th, 2011 @ 5:49 pm

    Stand still, let our strength move you forward. Don’t worry about the next step. Just be still with your precious babe. Feel his love. Know that you are worth the entire world to him. Let him be the center to the chaos. And let is be your strength to lean on and to encourage you to move…when you are ready.
    Xoxo

  21. alece
    April 20th, 2011 @ 7:20 pm

    all i can say is… i get this.

  22. Joanna
    April 21st, 2011 @ 1:02 am

    My heart aches for you. All I can offer is my support and prayers. You will get through this somehow. Hug that sweet boy of yours tight. He will be your strength.

  23. Casey
    April 21st, 2011 @ 3:26 pm

    You are not alone….look at all these women (including me), who are right here, walking through this with our arms around you. Take a little strength from us all, you will be left with more than enough courage to get through this. This, like all things, is temporary. We are here for you when you need us, when you don’t….just breathe, honey, just breathe.

  24. Julie S.
    April 22nd, 2011 @ 3:27 pm

    The theme I see in this? Strength. You have it. I admire you for it. Hang in there.

  25. Unruly tears « Depths of my soul
    April 25th, 2011 @ 12:32 am

    […] not to care so much or listen even. But once in a while in my blog hopping I’ll stumble upon this, this and that and my heart […]

  26. Beverly Scribner
    April 25th, 2011 @ 2:06 am

    I don’t know you, but I wish I could hug and tell you that it will be O.K. Having been through the same thing, while kicking and screaming inside, “No, this will not happen to me and my children,” I do know some of what you are feeling. It will take a long time, but you will be O.K. In the meantime, you hang on to your faith, your friends, your family, and your child. You will hurt, but you will be O.K.

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