What We Deserve

Posted on | April 23, 2011 | 18 Comments

My husband has found a new place to live.

He told me yesterday, calling to tell me about the lovely windows and the fantastic location.

“I’ll be by on Saturday to pick up the bedroom suit and the rest of my things,” he told me excitedly.  I calmly reminded him that Saturday was his brother’s graduation, still keeping his calendar, still keeping the peace.

“Oh crap!” He announced. “I guess I can’t go.”

This is not happening.  I am not having a conversation with my husband wherein he tells me that he can not go to his only brother’s graduation because he really wants to move in to his new bachelor pad.  Somehow, I keep my composure.  Somehow, I remind him that this is his only brother.  Somehow, I calmly tell him that it will break his mother’s heart if he does not attend.

“Yeah, you’re right.” He pauses. “Maybe I can move on Sunday.” His voice is upbeat again.

All is right in his world.  Moving plans are set.  Graduation is a go.  Bachelor pad secure, family plans remembered.

Only his wife and son, forgotten.

I take a deep breath.

I tell him the truth.

I can not do this.

For the first time in four years, I find my voice.  For the first time in four years, I find my strength.  For the first time in four years, I do what is best for me and not what is easiest.  I do what is best for me and my son.  I do what I need to do.

I can not do this.

In my heart, I am screaming. I am begging him to beg me.  I am wishing he would do anything to show me that he ever even loved me at all.  I am screaming… on the inside.  But on the surface, I am calm.  I am cool.  I am collected.  I can not say the things I desperately want to say.  I can not tell him how he has mutilated my heart.  I can not tell him that his careless decisions have left me wondering not only who he is, but who I am to have loved him for so long and to have let him do this to me for so long.  I can not tell him what he has done,  because when I try, he hears nothing.  He continues to do what he wants.  He continues to talk to whomever he wants.  He continues to make plans without me.

And I am tired of wondering where my husband is.

I am tired of wondering what he is doing when my back is turned.

I am tired of working overtime to keep up the status quo in this life we are pretending to live.

My husband does not love me the way that I deserve to be loved.

I can not do this anymore.

All my life, I have championed women. I have stood with pride alongside sisters and mothers and strangers and believed that a woman has a voice.  I have believed that a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.  I have believed that women are equal to men in every way.  And yet, in my marriage, I have not stood by this belief.  I have allowed myself to become shadowed.  I have allowed myself to become second in every way.  Second to be called, second to be chosen, second to be remembered.  And I deserve to be first.  I deserve to be loved by someone who loves me first.  I deserve to be loved by someone who will love me the way I love.  I deserve more than what I have gotten for four years.

I deserve more than this.

I will have more than this.

I will have no more… of this.


18 Responses to “What We Deserve”

  1. Jana A
    April 23rd, 2011 @ 7:03 pm

    You DO deserve more than this. Here’s to putting yourself first and being YOU!

  2. Molly
    April 23rd, 2011 @ 7:06 pm

    Yes to it all. You deserve to be first. You deserve to be loved. We’re here to listen. You’ll get through this.

  3. C.Mom
    April 23rd, 2011 @ 7:09 pm

    Yes, yes, and yes! You deserve so many great things!!

  4. Ruthie
    April 23rd, 2011 @ 8:15 pm

    The person you deserve is out there waiting for you! He may not know it, but he’s there.

  5. Jess@StraightTalk
    April 23rd, 2011 @ 9:23 pm

    You deserve the world. And this IS new beginnings. For you it will bring great new things.

  6. TheNextMartha
    April 24th, 2011 @ 12:11 am

    I believe in you, your words, and your worth.

  7. Mandi
    April 24th, 2011 @ 12:12 am

    Oh my, you are a unique, brave, and persevering soul. Look past the here and now, to the brighter place you will be in, once you move past these difficult moments. Although your son is the center of your world, please take the time to recognize how amazing and special YOU are, and how important you are in the world.

  8. Mama Fisch
    April 24th, 2011 @ 12:22 am

    For starters, you do deserve more than this. You will find more than this. And one day you will look back and realize that this made you stronger, better, more capable than ever of loving. Secondly, don’t for a minute stop writing. You are so talented and real with words…

  9. Jenny
    April 24th, 2011 @ 12:22 am

    You are worth every ounce of confidence I feel dripping from your words here. You are brave, strong and beautiful. You’re in my thoughts and prayers, love.

  10. Elizabeth
    April 24th, 2011 @ 2:28 am

    Amen, sister!

  11. Mommyattorney
    April 24th, 2011 @ 2:57 am

    Of course you deserve more than this and will find it. You and J are in my prayers every night. I can’t imagine how difficult it is right now, but it will get better. It will.

  12. Booyah's Momma
    April 24th, 2011 @ 5:42 am

    I know you don’t know me. But, yet, I’ve been reading this whole time, and my heart has been aching for what you’re going through.

    All I can say is… you DO deserve better.

  13. Stephanie Appel
    April 24th, 2011 @ 5:48 am

    YOU GO, GIRL!!!!!

    Everything that goes around, comes around… now it’s your turn for happiness and joy. I know it might seem far away, but keep up your strong spirit. You deserve only the best!!!! And you will get there, I know it.

  14. KristinaYellow
    April 24th, 2011 @ 7:16 pm

    You are amazing and a model for moms. Kids come first and even though it’s hard and you do want to scream, you put him first. I am in awe.

  15. Jessica @ Raising an Owlet
    April 25th, 2011 @ 1:32 am

    You do deserve more than this. And like so many others have said, one day, you will find someone who treats you like gold. Until then, keep reminding yourself how wonderful and awesome you are.

    You are amazing, Law Momma.

  16. Shelley
    April 25th, 2011 @ 1:08 pm

    I totally get this.

  17. Miss Britt
    April 25th, 2011 @ 10:10 pm

    This is the first post I’ve ever read on your site, and I’m stunned.

    And very much hoping to get a chance to read more.

  18. Maija @ Maija's Mommy Moments
    April 29th, 2011 @ 2:52 am

    I understand.

    You are so much braver than some of us who feel the exact same way.

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