Practically perfect.

Posted on | April 27, 2011 | 9 Comments

The thing about being broken is that it’s only on the inside.

You still brush and style your hair.

You still put on your make up.

You still smile when you’re supposed to smile and laugh when you are supposed to laugh.

You still walk upright, even if you feel like you’re crawling.  You still see the path in front of you, even when you wish you couldn’t.  You are still, inexplicably, you.

And then one day, as you are busy trying to be you, in the right clothes and the too-tight shoes, someone asks you a question about something personal.  And without thinking, you immediately begin the sentence with “My Husband and I…”

And in that moment, all the broken things that rattle around inside you flood up from the depths of your soul and spill out onto your perfectly pressed suit and your shiny black pumps.  Before you know it, you are dry-heaving emotion through tear-welled eyes and you have to clear your throat just to get out the words “Excuse me… a tickle” or some other mundane something just to get you out of there before you suffocate someone else with the sweltering blanket that you just NEED to put down. Somewhere.  On someone other than you.

You escape.

You spend a moment with your forehead pressed against the cool of an institutional bathroom stall.  You count the lines of grout on the floor just to coax the broken back down where it belongs.  And when you emerge, you are that you again… the one with the smile; the one with the unmistakable “broken” stuck to the bottom of your shoe.


9 Responses to “Practically perfect.”

  1. Katie
    April 27th, 2011 @ 2:05 am

    Hugs! Know that there are so many people out there lifting you up and offering you all kinds of support. If you ever need to talk or anything…

  2. Miranda
    April 27th, 2011 @ 2:11 am

    Oh, you. I’m loving on you through the internet, and if you decide you need to puke emotion all over the cold institutional walls, I will hold your hair back while you do it. That’s love.

  3. MamaHudd
    April 27th, 2011 @ 2:13 am

    I Heart You. And yes, I spelled “heart” out because I am not technological enough to figure out how to make an actual heart symbol…but it means the same nonetheless 🙂 Also, I wish we were closer so I could come over and just do nothing like we used to do…damn life getting in the way 🙁

  4. Jessica @ Raising an Owlet
    April 27th, 2011 @ 2:22 am

    Law Momma, you don’t have to hold all that down all the time. I really suggest you find someone, anyone, to talk to and dump all that stuff on. You are amazing. This will get easier, someday.

  5. Krista
    April 27th, 2011 @ 12:32 pm

    I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I think you are being incredibly strong and so very brave. Thinking of you and hoping for easier days soons.

  6. R's Mom
    April 27th, 2011 @ 2:12 pm

    I totally understand these feelings. When my husband & I were separated, I would sometimes just look around me (at the office, at the grocery, etc.) and just think “how can everything look so normal, when everything is so messed up?” And one day in the bathroom at work, a colleague — who I only know professionally — casually asked “how are you?” and I just blurted out “I’m separated from my husband.” And I started to cry, and she had no idea what to do. But it will get better. Slowly, and on no particular timeframe, but you will one day look up and realize that your new normal seems normal, and is okay.


  7. Momalegal
    April 27th, 2011 @ 2:32 pm

    I know that broken all too well. I agree, find someone to unload on, someone to hold that blanket for you for a little while. It helps a great deal. Thinking of you.

  8. KLZ
    April 27th, 2011 @ 3:18 pm

    This makes me think of you in the bathroom before a court case – getting ready to knock it out of the park. You’re stronger than you know.

  9. Maija @ Maija's Mommy Moments
    April 28th, 2011 @ 10:36 am

    I know that feeling of wanting to burst into tears.

    At least you made it to the bathroom!

    We’re all here for you cheering you on. And KLZ is right – you’re stronger than you know.

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