The Waiting.

Posted on | April 28, 2011 | 15 Comments

In Georgia, you can go from married to divorced in 31 days.

Thirty-one days.

The funny thing is, when a ring was placed on the fourth finger of my left hand, I started planning for a wedding.  I got married almost a year to the day after I was proposed to over dessert in the little restaurant in the Virginia Highlands.  One year of planning.  One year of thinking about and dreaming about and preparing for marriage.

Thirty-one days to end it.

I can’t process being divorced in thirty-one days.  No matter how many blog posts I write about how better I will be or how strong I can be; no matter how many times I call my sister or mom or best friends, bawling my eyes out over how hurt I am; No matter how many times I try to work through any way to make this better.  No matter what I do, I can not process being divorced. Not in thirty-one days.

So I’m stuck in this holding pattern, wondering if I’m being stupid or smart.  Am I a fool, one way or the other?  I had so many dreams.  I wanted to be a wife and a mother, not just for a few years, but forever.  I wanted my son to have a live-in father and a brother or sister.  I wanted Christmas Eve services and family dinners by candlelight.  I wanted a picture perfect family.

But no one has that, right?

Even the prettiest of postcard families have cracks and tears along the edges, right?

So am I foolish to throw away a chance at salvaging my family? Or am I foolish to even think of letting him back into my heart?

I just don’t know.

I don’t know if people can change after years of failing. How many times can someone fail you before you stop resetting the clock?  How many times can someone tell you they don’t want to be married to you anymore before you stop hanging your hat on the one time they take it back?  I don’t know if I can learn to trust again.  I don’t know if I want to learn to trust again.  I don’t know what I want or what to do and it is slowly sucking the life out of me.

I don’t know how to move.

And so I wait.

Hands wringing, soul aching, heart-breaking. Waiting.  Hoping that somehow the answers will come. Hoping some thing will untie the knots of heartache.  Hoping some one will slice the binds of fear and hope and pain and soul-wrenching sorrow.


And praying for some type of release from this indecision.


15 Responses to “The Waiting.”

  1. Elizabeth
    April 28th, 2011 @ 1:28 am

    A. You’re not foolish.
    B. If a man can die on Friday and be raised again on Sunday, then yes, people can change. But that doesn’t mean they always will.
    C. I married to a guy who got left by an Attorney in Savannah in 31 days…So you never know how your story will evolve.
    D. I’m praying for you, dear friend!

  2. Mrs.TrophyWife
    April 28th, 2011 @ 1:39 am

    I have no words of wisdom, only the ability to tell you that you are so loved by many. I wish I could make this easy on you or say something that would bring light to the whole situation, but obviously I can’t. So instead, I’m here if you need someone to have a cup of coffee with, or if you need to come over, have some wine, and just talk. Whatever you need.

  3. C.Mom
    April 28th, 2011 @ 1:39 am

    My heart is breaking for you-even in the best of circumstances it is horribly difficult to go through a divorce. It took me a long time to realize that leaving my ex-husband was the best thing I could do because I did not want my daughter growing up with us as role models for love.

  4. Kitty
    April 28th, 2011 @ 1:40 am

    The 31 day thing is a crock of you-know-what! But you know what else? People don’t really change. Sorry to say so, but sadly it’s true (Oh, I am quoting Dr. Seuss by accident). Maybe, maaaaaaaaaybe if someone messes up ONE TIME, and they were doing something they didn’t know would upset you, MAYBE they can refrain from doing whatever it was again. But people who do things that they know are wrong? And keep doing them with out acknowledging that it’s either wrong or that even if it ISN’T wrong if it bothers the most important person in their life they should stop….They are just going to keep doing the same thing over. And Over. And Over. And you are left either having to ignore it or leave. Hang in there, girlfriend.

  5. Mrs. MidAtlantic
    April 28th, 2011 @ 1:42 am

    My heart just broke a little. Reading this reminded me of the years I waited for that diamond ring and the 13 months of planning that followed. Planning for a day – and a lifetime.

    My heart just broke a little for you.

  6. Carrie
    April 28th, 2011 @ 1:47 am

    I don’t think there is a right answer. I have no idea what I would do either. I would feel like no matter what I did, I would always have some regret about my decision. I guess I’m an optimist in thinking that some people have that “perfect” life, but not without having a lot of not-so-perfect crap first. Maybe that’s what helps us get to the perfect part….we first have to learn from life’s challenges before we can reach our goals. It’s my own wishful thinking, but I like to think we should all have a chance at happiness. We all deserve a chance. You deserve happiness and I sincerely hope you find it, whatever you decide.

  7. jess
    April 28th, 2011 @ 2:06 am

    You follow your heart. But I do know that hitting rock bottom can change the dynamics of a relationship for the better. If both people want it to happen, the heart can heal and things can be even better than before. Lots of work and time. But it can happen.

  8. Mom on a Line
    April 28th, 2011 @ 2:54 am

    All I can do is offer you hugs over the internet from afar. I hope your waiting helps you figure out what is best for you and your family.

  9. aim
    April 28th, 2011 @ 10:53 am

    The prettiest of postcard families have more than cracks around the edges. THey are the ones with deep dark sinister secrets that are carefully guarded. Just sayin’.

    Hugs doo-dah…

  10. Jennifer
    April 28th, 2011 @ 1:09 pm

    Ditto what Kitty said. A mistake, a transgression, a one-time huge lapse in judgment is different than when one person has malice in his heart or legitimately believes to the bone that he is no longer meant for this relationship. It seems from your postings that your H fits into the latter category.

    It really is unfathomable that what sometimes takes a lifetime to build can be legally, definitively over in such an abrupt period of time. To move past the difficulty in getting your mind around that, realize that it is not that 31st day that brings your marriage to an end but rather it is the circumstances that evolved your relationship to the point of one of you seeking that end. Marriages are for all intents and purposes over long before the parties file the papers; 31 days is just how long the legal system takes to process it.

    There is no harm in waiting a little while to see if a delay brings clarity to one or the other of you. But give yourself an end point to that waiting – an interminable wait likely only hurts more than it helps.

  11. KLZ
    April 28th, 2011 @ 2:57 pm

    I think it’s normal to wonder while we wait. With absolutely no helpful advice, just know you’re not alone and you’re going through a perfectly natural process. Whatever you decide will be right.

  12. strugglingforeverafter
    April 29th, 2011 @ 2:09 am

    My parents got divorced when I was 12. I remember everything. All the heartache leading up to it and everything after. At least J won’t have that memory.
    Hopefully he can have nice ones of his dad.

    my heart hurts for you and your family…

  13. Kimberly
    April 29th, 2011 @ 2:35 am

    I can’t offer you any words of wisdom. But I can offer you my shoulder to lean on. Hugs Momma.

  14. Eve
    April 29th, 2011 @ 3:16 pm

    Hold onto hope and take your time. There are many potential endings to this story, all of which will have you and J happy and healthy. I pray every day for you. Hold on.

  15. Adamsday
    December 29th, 2012 @ 9:49 pm

    awesomely written.

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