Posted on | April 29, 2011 | 18 Comments

For the majority of the two years that husband and I dated, we lived in separate cities.  There was always this grand anticipation of time spent together because it was so fleeting.  We kept in touch over instant messenger and telephone calls, but I lived for the moments when I’d look up from my books in the back corner of the law library and see him walking towards me.  He had this long black wool coat that he wore in the winter and he’d loop the green and grey scarf I gave him under the collar so it would hang down on either side.  He walked with purpose; he was coming to see me.  And when I would catch his eye, we would both be smiling ear to ear and heart to heart.

Today, I drove back from a deposition in Moultrie, headed home to the son that my husband and I created from that love.  Along the way, I looked over and saw Husband passing me on the other side of the highway.  He was on his cell phone chatting away, on his way to Tallahassee for his brother’s graduation.  He was driving away from the life we had in Savannah.

He didn’t see me, too engrossed in his conversation and not being, well… me, he wasn’t looking down the other side of the road to see if he could spot me.  His hang up clothes were on the back left side, neatly pressed and ready for wear… just as they’d always been when he arrived at my apartment in Macon when we were dating.  His sunglasses were on and he was smiling, I could tell that even from across the median.  Seeing him was a kick in the gut.  He was driving away from me.  He was driving, not for the last time, to a place I was no longer invited.  And when he was finished there, he was not coming home to me. I remembered all the times I’d anxiously waited for his knock on the door.  I remembered all the times I thought I’d die if he didn’t kiss me.  I remembered all the times I’d basked in the warmth of him and his smile.

And I wondered why it is that he doesn’t love me anymore.

I wondered what happened to our lives.

I wondered what happened to take him away from me, to turn his head, to close his heart.  I believe, with almost 100% certainty, that I would have taken him back, arms open, had he only said he still loved me.  Had he apologized.  Had he begged for forgiveness.  Had he done anything to tell me that somewhere deep within, he just. still. loved. me.

But he didn’t.

And I wonder why he doesn’t love me anymore.

Did I lose the new wife smell?  Did the scar on my abdomen from the birth of our son scar his heart against me?  Did I talk too little or too much? Did I nag?  Did I not pay enough attention?

Did he even ever love me at all.

It is the last question that haunts me.  It keeps me awake at night.  It makes me cry, on average, three times a day.  Because if he never loved me, what does that say about me?  What does it say about me, that still I lie awake wishing he would love me and wondering what makes me so unlovable.  I wonder when and how I became so stupid.

I feel broken and alone.  I feel foolish and misused.  I feel stupid and unloved.

I feel unlovable.

I want to wash my heart and hands of him.  I want to stop feeling as though I will burst from the sadness.  I want to know why it is that I am so unworthy of being loved by him, when it seems that so many others are.  I want to know why he thought it was okay to do what he did.  I want to know why he took the best of him and gave it away to someone not me, to someone not our son.  I want to know why he doesn’t love me.

But above all, I want to stop feeling like I am unable to be loved.


18 Responses to “Unloved”

  1. Mom on a Line
    April 29th, 2011 @ 10:22 pm

    I am sending you an internet hug right now.

  2. Mrs.TrophyWife
    April 29th, 2011 @ 10:56 pm

    Hugs, mama. That’s all I got.

  3. Luna
    April 29th, 2011 @ 11:07 pm

    I love you. I mean, I know we don’t know each other or anything, but I love your blog, and that’s just the bloggy piece of you, so I know I’d like all of you. You’re loved, I find you love-able, I love you. *Love love love* <3

  4. Joanna
    April 29th, 2011 @ 11:11 pm

    Big hugs. I’m so sorry you have to go through this, but I do not that you are not unlovable, despite what your husband is putting you through right now. Hang in there!

  5. Alena Chandler
    April 30th, 2011 @ 12:03 am

    I don’t have words of wisdom. But I do want to say I am a big believer that some things that happen to us are just part of our journey. And some parts of life are just painful. They just hurt. They are just unexplainable & unacceptable.

    I’m so sorry. But you aren’t unlovable. That’s just not possible.

  6. Adriane
    April 30th, 2011 @ 12:55 am

    I don’t even remember when or how I stumbled upon your blog, but I’ve been a faithful reader ever since. My heart is breaking for you right now, because I’ve been somewhere similar to where you are. The good news is I’m now out on the other side, and happier than I ever could have been before. Just wanted you to know someone out in the blogosphere is thinking of you tonight and wishes you the best.

  7. Adrienne
    April 30th, 2011 @ 1:21 am

    I felt that way – unloved and unloveable – after my first husband and I split. I hear you, and I hope there’s some tiny comfort in knowing that you aren’t alone.

    You deserve all wonderful things, and a day will come (not soon, but it will come) when you will know that you didn’t drive him away. I don’t know why he left, but I so know that his actions are about him and him alone.

    I’m so fucking sorry that it hurts this way right now.

  8. Jessica @ Raising an Owlet
    April 30th, 2011 @ 2:07 am

    Oh Law Momma, you are so loved. And worthy of love. You did nothing wrong. You need to remind yourself that everyday. You are loved, you are worthy of love, you did nothing wrong. Tell yourself that every time you start to wonder what you did wrong, or why you weren’t “good enough.”

  9. Chetarina
    April 30th, 2011 @ 2:36 am

    There isn’t anything wrong with you, and you are lovable. Don’t let him take any of that away from you. Just because he let you go, doesn’t mean your unlovable. Just means there is someone out there that loves you more and deserves you much more than he does. Have faith, even though oh-so-hard to do right now.

    Also know that it’s ok to feel sad, to feel heart-broken, to feel unloved (but you aren’t- know that), to feel abandoned, to feel alone, and to feel utter frustrated with the situation. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel any or all of those.

    Take one day, heck take one hour at a time, and in time, my internet friend, you will feel that you deserve love again, that you aren’t quite as alone as you thought and the sky will begin to be blue again.

    In time…

  10. Catherin
    April 30th, 2011 @ 6:04 am

    My first husband decided that his true love wasn’t me, instead it was the coke that he somehow managed to keep under wraps for two of the five years we were together. I remember being in a similar place that you are in now about four years ago. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t enough, why he loved a drug more than he loved me. I even asked him and he told me that he never loved me and didn’t care but there was no way he was going to rehab. (that was the ultimatum, you go to rehab I stay) The only thing that I regret is outright asking him because now I truly feel that I wasted those five years. The first year was hard, but then I met Dan and now we have Samantha and I have never been so happy and complete. It has been worth every heartache, every tear, and every moment of those wasted 5 years. They help me to remember that what I have is precious and worth thanking God for every day. I know it sucks now, but it will get better and one day you will find someone who is worth both you and J.

  11. Erin
    April 30th, 2011 @ 2:05 pm

    oh Law-Momma – My heart is breaking for you. Truly breaking. You are NOT unloveable. But these feelings, these are part of the grieving. I am so sorry that you have to be greiving something that you didn’t want to lose.

    I am just so sorry.

    I hate your husband for doing this, making this choice.

    I am sending you love and prayers. You will get through and someday you will see the reasons, someday you will see how this broken road will bring you to a new love.

  12. Klz
    April 30th, 2011 @ 2:17 pm

    I love you. I’m not much but I love you

  13. KristinaYellow
    April 30th, 2011 @ 8:14 pm

    I can only say this: It’s better to feel alone and unloved when you aren’t in a relationship than to feel that way in a relationship. Now you know that you can find that person who will truly adore, respect, and care for you and your little one. If you were with someone who wasn’t treating you with love and respect, you wouldn’t have that hope. Stay focused on your little man. And you definitely aren’t unloved-even though many of us have never met you, have only read your words, you have touched our lives and are in our prayers and thoughts.

  14. aman
    April 30th, 2011 @ 10:14 pm

    Dear Mom,With tears in my eyes, All I can say is be strong, this will pass. Its hard , very hard, but the best thing about time is that no matter how bad it is, it passes away. So this time of pain too shall pass away.All that is happening is for a purpose.the purpose of your meeting someone who will really appreciate you and love you, who will be your soulmate and your true life partner in the long run, who will be there when you both are old ( lots of wrinkles, canes in your hands, hearing aids, eye glasses, going to grand kids weddings and hoping to see their kids………..all together, still loving each other, and you still thanking God for having the right person , being in the right relationship, and not in a draggy relationship, where you were giving your best but not getting what you deserve, you’ll thank God for having met him ). I am positive you’ll meet that person, it was just a turn of fate that things turned out this way, with the person you so much loved. It is fate, situations that lead us to new paths, bcoz we have to keep on moving, we can’t be stagnant. I know its hard, but with no fault of yours all this is happening to you, and I am positive that bcoz it is with no fault of yours, you will not suffer. Thats the law of Karma.May God grant you strength to move thru this time.
    Lots of Love from Vancouver

  15. facie
    May 1st, 2011 @ 2:43 am

    This too shall pass. Probably not in a few days or weeks, but you will go on and move forward.

    I know it is not the same, but I am quite certain J loves you unconditionally. Not many things can be better or more important than that. Maybe nothing.

  16. Susan
    May 1st, 2011 @ 6:27 am

    I understand. I do. 🙁


  17. Kimberly
    May 1st, 2011 @ 12:45 pm

    It is nothing you did or didn’t do. He was foolish to turn his back on you and your beautiful son. You deserve to be loved by someone who loves you to the moon an back and you WILL be loved. I know it’s hard to see through it now, but you are an amazing person, and you will be loved.

  18. ams33
    May 4th, 2011 @ 1:48 am

    please erase/forgive that comment- I put it on the wrong post!!
    I did just read this one and oh sweetheart I’ve been through the same. Your heart will heal again. And remember this most of all: YOU ARE UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY WONDERFUL, LOVEABLE, AND WORTHY OF A MAN WHO LOVES YOU BACK.

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