A letter for my Son

Posted on | May 4, 2011 | 13 Comments

My Darling Boy:

You are not quite 21 months and yet your world is about to drastically change.  Some day, hopefully a long, long while from now, you will ask me what happened and why Momma and Dadda don’t live together.  You will see the pictures from when you were a baby of the three of us, smiling and happy, and you will wonder what went wrong.

Let me tell you this first… this is not your fault.  When you were born, you filled a place in our lives that we didn’t even know was empty.  Your Momma loved you so much that she couldn’t stand to be in a different room from you and your Dadda didn’t know how to contain his happy.  Every ounce of happy that you see in those photographs is because of one thing… you.   You made us so happy.  You still make us so happy.  You are loved beyond any words you could ever imagine.

And as you got older and started to repeat the words we said and the ways we said them, something became abundantly clear to both Momma and Dadda: you deserved better than we were giving you.  You deserved to grow up in a home without shouting.  You deserved to grow up in a home without tears. You deserved to grow up in a home with parents who loved each other as much as they loved you.

And J, we love you so much. Never, ever forget that.

You are a splash of yellow in a gray world.  You are laughter in a silent room.  You are everything good and right and special and you deserve only the best in life.  Your parents want the best for you.  We want you to grow up happy and loved.  We want you to be able to appreciate the love your parents have for you without worrying about their love for each other.

Your parents loved each other once.  We did.  And there will be many, many tears shed over the loss of that love.  But in the end, that love created you and that makes it the best thing in the world to me.    Never ever forget that both of your parents love you with ferocity, even though we do not live together.  Never forget that your family includes a Momma, a Dadda, a Gabby and a Pop, a Mimi and a Poppa and all the extended aunts and uncles on both sides.  There is no separation of you from your family; there is only the recognition that you will be best loved and best cared for if your parents do that from separate homes.

My sweet, sweet boy.  I wish I could protect you from all of this.  I wish I could say the right things to make you understand.  I wish I could keep you from seeing the hurt and pain and sadness at such a young age.  I wish I could keep you always happy.  But the best I can do is to tell you this…. you are ferociously, barbarically, and brutally loved.  You have marked your place on my heart and your father’s heart.  You will always be loved more than you know, more than I can explain, more than anything and anyone in the whole world.

I am so sorry you will grow up with parents in different homes.  I am so sorry that you will have to spend holidays separate.  I am so sorry that you will wonder why other children have it so different.

I am so sorry.

But I love you, J.  We love you.  We love you enough to do this for you even though it hurts.  We love you enough to make your life better before you even know it’s bad.  We love you despite our brokenness.  We love you in spite of our pain.  We just love you.

And this is the best way for me to show you that.

All my love,

Momma

Comments

13 Responses to “A letter for my Son”

  1. Jana A
    May 4th, 2011 @ 11:04 am

    What a lucky little guy. I’m so glad that you know that your love for him is so great that you did this for him.

  2. Alexandra
    May 4th, 2011 @ 3:53 pm

    You’re making me cry

    I can feel the love you have for him.

    You two will be quite a team.

  3. Roxanne
    May 4th, 2011 @ 3:54 pm

    I may or may not have been caught at my desk with tears in my eyes while reading this.

  4. facie
    May 4th, 2011 @ 3:57 pm

    What a great letter for your child. You are a strong, amazing woman and are handling this with more grace than most of us could.

    As I say a lot to another blog writer I follow (who is in a different but very heart-breaking situation), keep swimming.

  5. Toni
    May 4th, 2011 @ 4:01 pm

    Amazing. Great letter.

  6. Stephanie
    May 4th, 2011 @ 4:03 pm

    What a beautiful letter to your sweet son. He has an amazing mom who loves him so much! 🙂

  7. TheNextMartha
    May 4th, 2011 @ 4:11 pm

    Just beautiful. Love matters.

  8. Jess@Straight Talk
    May 4th, 2011 @ 4:18 pm

    Sweetheart you are awesome. And this is beautiful. And J will see what happy love is supposed to be. And he will learn that, even though it’s at a sacrifice to you now.

  9. Babe_Chilla
    May 4th, 2011 @ 4:25 pm

    As a person whose parents got divorced when I was only 20 months old (and who separated around 10 months old) due to massive infidelity and well, just general dislike for each other I will tell you I never ONCE thought twice about it as I grew up. It happened when I was so young, I got so used to the way holidays worked, the way school worked, the way weekends worked. It was my norm. I was happy not to live like so many of my friends, with parents who argued CONSTANTLY. I had a happy, stable home, even if it wasn’t with my biological dad.

    As I got older, my parents chose to put away the past and become friends, for my benefit. They went pretty far, since they’d known each other since they were 13, to the point that holidays are now spent with both sides of my family, but that took MANY years.

    Now, I’m 31 but as far as I can remember, from a very young age, my parents have been fine to be in the same room when it comes to me. Birthdays, graduation, wedding, all that was awesome. I also gained 2 fabulous step parents, and was afforded luxuries I am sure I never would have if my parents stayed together.

    My point is, that yes, it’s sad and maybe having a stable, happy home with both parents IS better than not. However, as you said, living in a home of anger is worse. And honestly, I am 100% confident my life is WAY WAY better than it would have been had my parents stayed together.

    Hang in there. I cannot imagine what you’re going through right now. I hope you can get through this soon, and just know that this isn’t all bad for your son. It can be good. He will be just fine. Don’t let yourself get caught up in any sort of guilt on his behalf because you are doing the right thing for him, and yourself.

    xoxoxoxx

  10. Tiffany @MomNom
    May 4th, 2011 @ 8:04 pm

    I too am the product of a home that divorced when I was very young and I can tell you that I never once felt sad over it. My parents did a great job of remaining friends for me, in front of me, and working together on one thing – me. And I always felt like I had the best of both worlds. While things may seem challenging now, it will all work out in the end…with love, it always does.

  11. Nicci @ Changing the Universe
    May 4th, 2011 @ 8:15 pm

    You are an amazing mother and woman. You have a strength inside you that makes you like no one else.

    Your son will grow up in a loving environment. He will grow up seeing his parents, while not living together, getting along. They are not resolving conflicts by shouting at each other constantly.

    My parents stayed together years and years longer than they should have, and I have a difficult time having a mature argument with my husband without resorting to shouting. I really don’t know any other way! I’m learning, yes, but the only thing I’ve known is watching parents who don’t love each other screaming at each other constantly.

    I am so, so sorry you have this right now. You don’t deserve this. But you are amazing, no matter what. I hope you know that 🙂

  12. Lauren
    May 5th, 2011 @ 5:17 am

    Many years ago, when I was divorcing with 2 small children- 3 yrs old and my youngest was just 12 mos. old, a very dear friend told me,

    “It is better to be FROM a broken home, than to live IN one.”

    I believe that is so true. We all want the perfect, happy family for our children to grow up in….but if the reality is shouting, bitterness and anger, then our little ones are so much better off when the adults in their lives make the big decision to separate. It has been 11 years, I am happily remarried (he has been remarried for 11 yrs and they had a child just 2 months after our divorce was final) I can say that I can generally tolerate my ex, and the children are all right. They still have a mother and father who love them more than anything, just from 2 different homes. Of course, I would have liked the happy ending, but that doesn’t always happen. Your son will adjust and the most important thing is your adjustment. He will take his lead from you. Believe me, I KNOW it is hard. Worse than law school and the Bar exam combined, but you will find your way. I’m rooting for you!

  13. Nicole
    May 5th, 2011 @ 2:07 pm

    K, you have officially brought me to tears yet AGAIN! J is such a lucky little man to have such a wonderful and AMAZING momma!!!! Once you get settled back in Macon, please give me a call so we can do lunch!!

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