And then God was there.

Posted on | May 5, 2011 | 20 Comments

I don’t normally talk about religion on here, not because I don’t have any, but because I think when you actually sit down to talk about religion, someone always gets upset.  But right now in my life, I am struggling through something bigger than me.  And I need someone and something bigger than me to help me sort it out; more than I’ve ever needed that before.

Today, husband and I went to the bank an filled out the paperwork to separate our bank accounts.  We signed on the dotted lines and parted ways, him back to his office and me to the attorney’s office to drop off the filing fee so that we could proceed with dissolving our life together.  I dropped off the money and got back in my car.  I made it about three or four blocks before the tears started and there was just no stopping them.

I pulled over on the side of the road into a parallel parking spot.  I tried to call a few friends but everyone was busy.  I stared for a moment at the blank screen of my cell phone and wondered if there would ever be a voice on the other end again.  Just behind me was the church husband and I joined when we first came to Savannah.  The steps were decorated in red, white, and blue and a sign announced that it was National Day of Prayer.  I couldn’t drive any further, so I parked, composed myself, and took the long staircase up to the sanctuary.

The sanctuary was basically empty.  There were two women sitting in the back handing out a list of potential prayers for this nation and there were maybe three other people scattered throughout the pews, eyes closed, deep in thought.  I sat down in the back for a moment and tried to read the prayers on the sheet.

I wasn’t close enough.

I needed to be closer to God.

I walked down the aisle towards the center altar with the kneeling bench for receiving communion. I knelt.  I prayed.

I prayed for an answer.

I prayed for forgiveness for filing divorce papers.

I prayed to feel less alone; to feel loved; to just feel anything other than the deep and aching sadness that threatened to suffocate me.

And as I prayed, I felt the words lift up off my soul.  I felt the fear and the sadness rise up in a way that I never felt before.  For a moment, I felt like maybe, just maybe, God was listening.

When I stopped praying and stood up, I felt foolish.  Everyone else was still sitting in their pews, rustling their flyers, mumbling their prayers.  Surely God had better things to do than to listen to the pathetic prayers of a half-time church goer.  Surely God was better served by listening to one of these well-pressed women with their intense mouths and perfect hairstyles.  I turned to go. 

And then God was there.

He was there in front of me, in the form of an Associate Pastor at the church.  She appeared almost out of no where and though we had never formally met, she held out an arm to me and whispered my name.  God whispered my name right through her mouth and into my ears.  God raised her arms and placed them around my shoulders.  God used her voice to tell me all the the words I needed to hear.  

God was there.

And for an hour and a half, in the small room off to the side of the church, I poured my soul out to this person, this messenger from God.  I told her things I’ve been scared to say.  I cried until my eyes felt as though they would never stop watering.  I bled my shame and fear onto the ground at her feet and begged her to make it right.

And God was there.

And when I finished, he took her arms and he held me close.  He told me this is not my fault.  He told me I am strong and brave and that my God, my God, I am loved.  I am so loved.

God was there. 

And he loves me enough to hear my heart breaking and to send an angel to help it mend.

Comments

20 Responses to “And then God was there.”

  1. Jess@Straight Talk
    May 5th, 2011 @ 5:10 pm

    perfect.

  2. zenaliciousmom
    May 5th, 2011 @ 5:18 pm

    amazing.

  3. Mrs.TrophyWife
    May 5th, 2011 @ 5:18 pm

    I love you.

  4. Katie
    May 5th, 2011 @ 5:19 pm

    When we need Him, He is there for us.

  5. Jamie
    May 5th, 2011 @ 5:21 pm

    Unbelievable and just what you needed. Big hug and prayers for you.

  6. Headmistress Yca
    May 5th, 2011 @ 5:36 pm

    I never want to assume who has a close relationship with God and who doesn’t. I’m a Christian, and a Christian who has been thru divorce. It is painful. I’ve had fingers pointed at me and hurtful things said to me. But in the end, as you said so very succinctly, God is there.

    We’ve been praying for you, something in all of our conversations I hadn’t said to you. But please know that we are covering you in prayer. You are loved, you have people that are walking this path along side you. But above all, God will be with you – and He will never leave your side.

    My go to verses when I’m overwhelmed with pain:

    1 Peter 5:6-7
    Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

    Psalm 9:9
    The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.

    Psalm 18:2
    The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the hornof my salvation, my stronghold.

  7. Sara
    May 5th, 2011 @ 5:44 pm

    He was there, no arguing about that.

  8. Verna
    May 5th, 2011 @ 5:47 pm

    I’ll be praying for you!

  9. Kella
    May 5th, 2011 @ 5:58 pm

    The Lord works in mysterious ways. He is there when we need him most.

  10. Suz B
    May 5th, 2011 @ 6:07 pm

    He was definitely there through her. So glad you made the decision to walk in the church. I know it was His plan for you to stop here. You’re in my thoughts & prayers.

  11. Susan
    May 5th, 2011 @ 6:11 pm

    I’m so glad to read this. Amazing.

    A verse that has always helped me is Jeremiah 29:11. “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future.'”

    You’ll get through this.

  12. Delia
    May 5th, 2011 @ 6:49 pm

    Very moving.

  13. Oka
    May 5th, 2011 @ 6:54 pm

    He is ALWAYS there.

  14. Kelly
    May 5th, 2011 @ 7:39 pm

    I am glad you finally got it all off of your chest. I can’t imagine ‘thinking’ you are going through everything alone. I commend you for your willingness to let go and seek help. God is good!
    God bless!

  15. Krista C
    May 5th, 2011 @ 9:31 pm

    This brought tears to my eyes because he truly is always there! I know I don’t comment a lot but please know that you & J have been in my prayers.

  16. Kristina
    May 5th, 2011 @ 10:11 pm

    Amazing. And so right.

  17. kristin
    May 5th, 2011 @ 11:38 pm

    My favorite verses is Phil 4:6-7
    Be anxious for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

    I’m so happy you walked into church today and found comfort!

  18. KristinaYellow
    May 6th, 2011 @ 10:09 pm

    Beautiful and so hopeful. Thank you for sharing this.

  19. Erin
    May 13th, 2011 @ 6:37 pm

    he put you right where you needed to be. God bless you. You are in my thoughts and prayers all the time.

  20. karmen
    May 14th, 2011 @ 2:05 pm

    if it weren’t for the cracks
    in these crusty old vessels
    where could the light seep through?

    so glad he answered you
    also?
    cried through the entire 2nd half of this.
    my eyes burn with tears for your broken heart.

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