Gray Days

Posted on | May 6, 2011 | 10 Comments

It is a gray and cloudy day in Savannah. 

I don’t know if having a sunny day would have been better or worse.  It was sunny on our wedding day.  And today, the day that I will receive file-stamped copies of the petition for divorce… today it is overcast. Today it is gray. 

Today, the sky mourns with me.

I don’t know how to stop being so sad.  I don’t know how to stop loving my husband or wishing he would love me back.  I don’t know how to move forward with my minutes, much less my day or my life.  I don’t know how to do any of this.

And most of all, I don’t know how to open the email that will arrive today from my  attorney’s office.  I don’t know how to read the attached paperwork that will begin the long, slow, and painful pushing of me down the road towards single again.

I don’t know how to live today.

And so I sit here in my office, eyes brimming with tears, skies brimming with rain… and I wait for the email to arrive. 

I wait for the legal confirmation that my husband is, in fact, no longer in love with me.

Comments

10 Responses to “Gray Days”

  1. Verna
    May 6th, 2011 @ 1:25 pm

    I’m so so sorry! (((HUG)))

  2. Kendra
    May 6th, 2011 @ 1:30 pm

    Thinking about you today! Hoping the sun breaks through those clouds and forms a rainbow!

  3. Tiffany @MomNom
    May 6th, 2011 @ 1:42 pm

    I just sat and prayed for you…for what it’s worth. And I’ll continue to. Take it moment by moment, try to find things to keep your mind busy and breathe deep.

    XOXO

  4. christa
    May 6th, 2011 @ 1:46 pm

    :/ 🙁

    my heart is breaking for you.my heart is breaking that he seems so cold to you. maybe he is hurting too and just doesnt show it,because maybe he knows HE LET YOU DOWN. i have been in your shoes with my older son, i begged my ex-husband to stay he did, and every day my mom would show up to my house and take me and my oldest out to dinner and just cry and said you cant make him stay, and eventually he left, not only being heartless to me but also to his son. and thats when i knew he wasnt worth all the fighting i was doing to hold it together. I know its hard to think about a few hours from now, tomorrow or even a few days from now. but as time goes on, you will get stronger and you will learn to smile again, and in the end you will see it may be better for you and for j. you will see that you will find someone better for you and will shower you with everything that you should be showered with. i know its hard to think about the future, but im telling you from experience it will get better. i learned how to be a better mom. i know its hard to think of doing everything by yourself, but i have NO DOUBT that you can do this with ease. yes it can be hard ,yes its trying at times, yes its tireless,but its that way when you have a partner too. your AMAZING! you have a huge heart, you care more about others than yourself. you helped me when i was having tough times,and your support and kind words, and internet hugs got me thru most days. i am here for whatever you need. dont be afraid to ask for help you have many that will help, we have circled the wagons around you to block you from hurt and to shield you and j. we may not know each other in real life but we are friends even though its thru the internet.it will probably be a little easier when you move, it may not seem like it but it maybe. i am sending strength , love hugs and support to you. im here if you need me! xoxo

  5. Nicci @ Changing the Universe
    May 6th, 2011 @ 2:50 pm

    ((hugs))

    Sending you lots of wine-related vibes 😉

  6. KLZ
    May 6th, 2011 @ 3:02 pm

    I am drinking diet coke and thinking warm thoughts of you.

  7. Mrs. MidAtlantic
    May 6th, 2011 @ 3:58 pm

    Do you have to stop loving the man you married? I don’t think you do. I think you can love that man and that time in your life forever and ever.

    The man you are divorcing is not the same man you married. Love that man you married, and mourn the loss of who he once was.

  8. Jennifer
    May 6th, 2011 @ 7:41 pm

    You don’t have to KNOW how. You are going to LEARN how.

    And you don’t have to open that stuff today. Maybe it is enough to know it is there. Open it tonight or tomorrow with a glass of wine and a friend by your side.

  9. elz
    May 7th, 2011 @ 12:37 am

    YOu know what? Someone else will one day-someone better. I just know it. Good people get good things, they just might have to go through Hell to get it first. Good thoughts your way.

  10. allie
    May 9th, 2011 @ 1:19 am

    i just stumbled across your blog and have been reading through your posts for the last half hour. while i cannot say i know how you feel, i do know that it must be confusing and completely heart breaking to be going through this. i really hope things start looking up for you and your beautiful son, you totally deserve it.

    btw, i wasn’t going to comment and then i noticed that you are from savannah. WE ARE TOO! i like, nevvver find bloggers that live in this city! my son, henry, is 16 months old…maybe we’ve crossed paths at the park or the library? also, long shot…but you are a lawyer and i nanny for attorney robert mccorkle, perhaps you know him? anyway. small world, just thought i’d say hi and let you know i’m sending good thoughts your way. happy mother’s day!

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