Happy Mothers’ Day

Posted on | May 8, 2011 | 14 Comments

I haven’t slept in at least two days.

Yesterday, J didn’t even take a nap until 5pm and was then up until close to 10:30 despite my best efforts.  He woke up at 6:00 this morning and has been up and angry ever since.  His mother has been up and bawling since the same time.

Happy Mother’s Day, indeed.

I keep thinking this feeling will go away.  I keep thinking that there’s something either I or husband can do to make this make sense and to make the pain in the pit of me dissipate.  I try so hard.  I just keep trying so hard to understand.  And I feel like if he would just be sad, maybe it would help me heal.  If I could just see that he was hurting and that he ever loved me at all… if I could see that, maybe I could mourn this loss and then move forward.  But instead, he seems indifferent.  Quite honestly, he seems to have already moved on to someone else.

And the thought of something I believed was mine, believing I’m not as good as something else? Well those thoughts make me want to throw stones.  They make me want to tell him all the deepest, darkest most hateful things in my soul.  I want to curse his name and her name and every name in between.  I just want my husband to love me.  I want him to feel like I do.  I want him to mourn the loss of our marriage, to mourn the loss of me, to mourn the loss of seeing our son every day of the year.

And perhaps he does.

Perhaps his mourning is simply different from my own.

Only that’s so hard to believe when he shows up 45 minutes late to see his son and returns him less than two hours later.  It’s so hard to believe when I call and he is nasty to me.  It’s so hard to believe when I am trying so very very hard to make this easier and he is either oblivious, uninterested, or heartless.

And on today, Mother’s Day, I held out hope that maybe, just maybe he would be the man I thought he once was.  I thought he’d use some of the time he had J yesterday to maybe help J pick out a card for Mother’s Day.  Because it’s something I would have done.  Even though we aren’t married, I will still send him a Fathers’ Day card because he is the father of my son and my son is too small to send his own.

On a day that I was supposed to feel loved and honored, a day created to celebrate the giving of life… on this day, it is more clear than ever that I am alone.  It is more clear than ever that my marriage is over.  It is more clear than ever that my husband was not worth the love I gave him.  And rather than making me feel better or stronger or more empowered, it just makes me feel sad.  Because I so wanted him to be worth it.

Happy Mothers’ Day to all of you out there.  I hope you are being spoiled beyond belief today because you deserve it.  We deserve it.  We gave our hearts and very bodies to our children, our bodies for nine plus months and our hearts for eternity.  We deserve pancakes and flowers and piping hot coffee that someone else made.

And if, like me, your Mothers’ Day is less than you dreamed it would be, join with me in sending up sincere prayers that it will get better.  And believe, with me, that it will get better because we deserve it.

We are mothers.

We are superheroes.

And no matter what our husbands, ex-husbands, partners, or fathers of our children may think or make us feel like… we are loved and we are worthy of love.

In honor of my second ever Mothers’ Day and my first on my own, I resurrected an old family tradition.  Of course, when we were small, McDonalds still offered free breakfast for mothers on Mothers’ Day.  This morning, just after 7, J and I piled into the car in our pajamas and hit McDonalds where we split the Big Breakfast with Hotcakes.  Of course, he had the sausage but we shared the rest.

And it was good. Here’s to making new traditions and to incorporating old ones.

Happy Mothers’ Day.


14 Responses to “Happy Mothers’ Day”

  1. Jenny
    May 8th, 2011 @ 12:00 pm

    Shame on that man for not representing J for today. Shame. To say you deserve better is an understatement. I hope and pray this is the one Mother’s Day you spend this way.

  2. aim
    May 8th, 2011 @ 12:48 pm

    I agree with commenter #1. While I will not throw stones out of respect for you and J, that was a MAJOR mistake, to say the bare minimum.

  3. MamaHudd
    May 8th, 2011 @ 1:42 pm

    Happy Mother’s Day to you! I was up at 7am with the little one, made my own oatmeal and coffee and husband slept an extra 2 hours…I should have done the McDonald’s thing. Sounds so much more amazing than oatmeal 🙂 Love ya girlie!

  4. Jo
    May 8th, 2011 @ 1:50 pm

    I have felt these feelings. One thing that helped me is I read somewhere that in a breakup, the person leaving has usually been going through the act of leaving the relationship for some time before the actual breakup. So it isn’t that they don’t care it is over, it is that they have the advantage of being months ahead of you in processing the grief. And they often can’t understand why you aren’t where they are (much as you can’t understand where they are).

    And it would never occur to my ex to get a card on behalf of our son. I did it for him for a few holidays after the divorce and told him I was doing it for son and it made no sense to him. I gave up and now do whatever he does (which usually means a misspelled text late in the day or nothing at all).

  5. KristinaYellow
    May 8th, 2011 @ 4:03 pm

    I wish I could help J make you a card-not in a creepy stalker way but in the I’m a mom too who has a spouse that doesn’t understand either. Birthdays, holidays, thank you, and “feel better” days, I’m the one helping DD create cards or pictures to send to relatives and friends. DH doesn’t get it. But I have to think that eventually DD will see what we do and understand that thoughtfulness is important. I hope J settles down for you and that you can both take a good nap together today-it’s tough for you and I can only imagine how tough it is for a toddler who doesn’t have the emotional and intellectual understanding and experience to deal with this. You are a fantastic mom-don’t feel alone. You have so many people sending prayers and positive thoughts-keep pushing on.

  6. Verna
    May 8th, 2011 @ 4:36 pm

    Happy Mother’s Day!! J loves you very much and is so lucky to have you for his Momma!

  7. elle
    May 8th, 2011 @ 5:58 pm

    Happy Mothers Day sweetie! I know exactly how you feel. I am in your same shoes. Big {hugs}!!


  8. Savgypsy
    May 9th, 2011 @ 11:10 am

    The most important line is your realization that your soon to be ex is not the man you thought he was . As you realize this it will be easier to walk away from the hurt and emotions you are feeling now. The man you loved doesn’t exist, very sad. But the good thing is the marriage did produce a wonderful son that you love very much!

  9. monk
    May 9th, 2011 @ 3:22 pm

    I *LOVE* that you and J went to Mickey D’s in your pj’s. I think this sounds like an amazing tradition you just started without trying. Every year J can know that you and he are going to spend mother’s day in your pj’s enjoying mcdonald’s breakfast. Seriously – I love this tradition. and one day – he can pay for it! 🙂
    you know I think you are an amazing mother. And J thinks so too. And that’s what is important here. SO butthead forgot a card. J didn’t forget to love you. and neither did the golden girls! xoxo.

  10. sarah
    May 10th, 2011 @ 10:16 am

    my sister is going through a divorce. well, all the bullsh!t that leads up to a divorce. thankfully she doesn’t have kids, but all the rest of it is there. the heartache, the questioning, missing the man she married.

    i’ll send her your blog. hopefully it’ll help her understand that divorce is horrible for everyone- she’s not alone.

    thank you for writing what you’re feeling. it might just help her.

  11. Alexandra
    May 10th, 2011 @ 4:38 pm

    Still, a Happy Mother’s Day to you.

    And I think of all the phases to go through, the anger, the disbelief, the wishing it would all go away.

    It will go away, with time.

    I promise you.

    May 10th, 2011 @ 7:39 pm

    I just have to say you are a brilliant writer first off.. and you are amazingly strong!!! My boyfriend and i have been together for going on 6 unhappy years but keeping us together is our three almost four year old daughter that we (I) cannot stand to see her missing one of us or in pain. After reading your blogs you have totally captured exactly the way i feel most times. Thank You for sharing your intermost feelings with us.
    Keep your chin up and remember always what i tell my self everyday when i open my eyes anrealize this is not where i want my life to be..”The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you”

  13. Cate
    May 10th, 2011 @ 10:43 pm

    Congratulations for starting a wonderful tradition: it’ll be the memories of time spent together (having a special breakfast no less!) that you will remember!

  14. Elizabeth
    May 11th, 2011 @ 3:25 pm

    You are amazing for speaking so candidly and openly, yet refraining from giving your Ex the public verbal berating he is clearly so deserving of. J is the number one guy in your life, and I have no doubt that he most definitely returns your love. May your continued healing come quickly. May you find joy in the small things. May J grow knowing that his mom is a superhero. And may I refrain from saying the things about your Ex that I want to.

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