I am an empty box.

Posted on | May 8, 2011 | 4 Comments

I have spent the majority of the weekend packing.

Bubble wrapping my broken dreams, carefully placing all the pieces of my heart into boxes and bags, separating his life and his things from mine.

And I can not hold it together any longer.

I can not keep pretending that I am a functioning person through all of this.  I can not pretend that just breathing makes me ache.  I can not pretend that I don’t want to call him almost every minute of the day and ask him why this is happening to us.  I can not pretend that I am not missing him and our life together.  I can not keep packing away my hurt like the cabinet dishes and winter clothes.

But if I stop functioning, who will carry me through this? Who will love me and put me back together when the very person who swore to love me forever is the person who has broken me limb from limb?

If I have to put one more wedding gift in a box, one more reminder, one more memory of what I thought was a happy life… I may die.  The boxes are just stacked reminders that he is not here, that he does not want to be here, that he will never be here again.

There can not be any tears left to cry.  There just can’t be.

And yet I still cry.

Comments

4 Responses to “I am an empty box.”

  1. Adrienne
    May 8th, 2011 @ 6:57 pm

    You don’t have to be strong. Its OK to fall apart.

    It’s OK to throw some wedding gifts out the window, too. Whatever you have to do to get through is OK.

  2. KristinaYellow
    May 8th, 2011 @ 10:23 pm

    I’m sorry. I wish I had better words; it’s funny, I’m not teaching my toddler “I’m sorry” until she understands the meaning behind it since I want them to have weight behind them. But darn, it seems like they aren’t enough sometimes. I hate that you have to go through this. Do something nice for you today-have a glass of wine or a cold beer. Eat dessert before dinner. Watch a favorite movie-especially if it’s one that other people didn’t care for. This sucks for now but I really hope that when you are in your new home with J, things will get a bit easier. You’ll get to put new memories and associations in your safe place. HUGS

  3. Cheryl @ Mommypants
    May 9th, 2011 @ 12:01 am

    My heart just aches for you. Get all those tears out. You’re allowed to feel crappy – what happened IS crappy, so don’t feel bad about feeling bad, you know?

    Hugs to you, and most important, happy Mother’s Day. xo

  4. Jennifer
    May 9th, 2011 @ 1:52 pm

    The next wedding gift you pick up, go smash it outside in the parking lot. Just hack it to bits.

    One of the things I’ve never understood about divorce is how one person thinks they can just leave with no explanation. You DESERVE an explanation. Even if it hurts. You deserve to know. I agree with there 100%.

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