Closure

Posted on | May 11, 2011 | 29 Comments

Some would say I’m a glutton for punishment. Some would say I’m living in a fantasy world of my own design. Some will just call me crazy.

But I needed closure.

We’d been back and forth so many times; he’d promised to change and I’d agreed then disagreed then agreed again. I knew he said he didn’t want to be married. I knew he implied he didn’t want to be married to me. But deep inside I thought he’d change his mind. I believed I’d find him on my doorstep, begging me to take him back. I believed deep inside he knew how amazing I am and how much I’ve done for him. I believed he was just confused.

So, foolish me, I asked him. I laid it all on the line. I told him I was confused and needed to know. And I don’t know what I thought would happen. I don’t know if I thought he’d fall at my feet and admit he was wrong or at least say he was confused too and that maybe time would change things for us.

I dont know what I expected but I did not expect what I got.

It seems he is sure. He calmly and rationally told my hopeful ear that he believed there was someone better for him.

He may have said more. The conversation may have continued. I can’t be sure what happened next; I was too busy drowning in the knowledge that the man I swore to love forever believes he made a mistake when he married me. I was too busy trying to collect the tiny slivers of my pride, intermingled with my self-worth there in a pile at my feet.

How does the heart recover from that? How does the self-esteem find it’s way back?

I just don’t know.

Perhaps I would have been better off staying confused.

Comments

29 Responses to “Closure”

  1. R's Mom
    May 11th, 2011 @ 3:55 pm

    Oh goodness…I’m so sorry. But I do understand the need for closure, even though it meant putting yourself all out there like that. And, as devastating as it was to hear, I hope it provided you some of the closure that you needed.

    I sincerely hope that you don’t read too much into what he said. Don’t let it affect your self-worth. Because you are a good person, a loving person, a smart person, a beautiful person. And maybe ultimately you and he were not the right people for each other. But that does not mean that there are “better” people out generally. You are not somehow a lesser person.
    One thing I hope for you, over and over as I read your posts, is that one day you will look back, and realize that while you thought at the time he was the right person, you now — at some point in the future — see that he wasn’t. That doesn’t mean you made a mistake. It just means that in hindsight you see that you deserve more, and better. My grandmother always told me “everything happens for a reason. You just can’t always see it at the time.” And that has always held true for me…even in situations in which I thought there could not be a happy ending. I look back a year or two later, and see that if not for the bad situation, the good things in my life now would not have happened. And even in the present, I hope you see that even if you and the ex were only able to be together for a few years, but for that, you wouldn’t have J in your life. I really believe you look back, and see this difficult time in your life as a springboard for wonderful things to come. Eventually — and in the meantime, I send hugs and prayers your way.

  2. elle
    May 11th, 2011 @ 3:58 pm

    I wish I had an answer for you. Three months after asking the same question I still have no clue on how to recover. There is no way to understand it. Any of it. And I just hate that both of us are going through this. It isn’t fair to our kids what-so-ever.

    BIG {HUGS}!!

    We both will figure out a way to move on at some point. And in the those times you feel alone/scared/pain etc, know that I am ALWAYS here to listen. We are going on this journey together and I do my best to tell myself that we will come up on top in the long run.

  3. "Cookie"
    May 11th, 2011 @ 3:59 pm

    First, let me say that I don’t know what you’re experiencing. And I am truly sorry for the pain and heartache you’re going through. But…. it was a question you needed answered and now you know the answer. It might have driven you crazy for years to come not knowing what he would of said. Now you know…. and now maybe, hopefully it will help you move closer to moving forward. Again… I know it’s easy for me to write this and not be in your shoes. I just wanted to drop a line… I just started reading and following you on twitter.

  4. Verna
    May 11th, 2011 @ 4:00 pm

    I don’t blame you for asking. After saying the vows that you took seriously, who can blame you for still having hope. I know I would feel the same way. I’m sorry you didn’t get the answer you wanted to hear. I’m so so sorry you are hurting. I wish there was something more I could do or say to take some of your pain away. I’ll send you a ((HUG)) though.

  5. Krista
    May 11th, 2011 @ 4:03 pm

    But now you know. It is just that simple and not simple at all. You had to ask him. You had to put yourself out there. I’m sorry that you didn’t get the answer you want and I hate that this is happening. But, maybe, just maybe this is the point where it turns around. And where you start to feel better. It won’t happen overnight and you’ll have bad days. But you’ll have good days too. And someday you’ll notice that your good days are outweighing your bad.

    Good luck, momma. Just keep moving. You WILL get through this.

  6. Manda
    May 11th, 2011 @ 4:06 pm

    I would have asked too. Much love, you are a wonderful, beautiful woman and I hope it gets better for you sooner then later. And I know it seems hard to think about now but one day you will be ready to move on, do it in your own time and heal now. I didn’t have a kiddo to worry about, so I know its harder in your case, especially now that I do have a baby, but I remember waking up one morning and everything just seemed a little brighter, and all the meaningless tasks seemed a little easier…

    Hugs hugs hugs!

  7. Delia
    May 11th, 2011 @ 4:35 pm

    I don’t blame you – I have to know why. No matter what it is, and what the answer may be, I need to know why. The unknown will drive me crazy. And you recover by knowing there is someone out there better for you. Who WILL love you for who you are.

  8. By Word Of Mouth Musings
    May 11th, 2011 @ 4:49 pm

    Krista hit the nail on the head (so smart that girl, thats why I am friends with her!)

    Yes, now you know.
    You will never have to berate yourself for not asking. You won’t stay up at night wondering what if. Because he laid it out there rather cruelly, but honestly … and now you move on. Do not waste any more sleep over this man.
    Move on …
    Prince Charming may be around the corner once you are done licking your wounds, and you are wounded, and hurt and allowed to be be mad … and be mad, no more tears.
    Hug that little boy of yours, because thro all of this, you were given a great gift!

  9. Fancy
    May 11th, 2011 @ 4:49 pm

    You’re not a glutton for punishment, you’re not living in a fantasy world, and you wouldn’t have been better off staying confused.

    You are going through a heart wrenching, unbelievably painful life change and you are processing.

    How can you possibly come to terms with the separation, or even decide that you want to come to terms with the separation if you don’t ask these questions?

    Yes, it hurts beyond what you thought possible.

    But I believe it’s all a part of processing. You need to go through your own process in order to heal. It won’t happen over night, and it sucks beyond sucking that nobody can swoop in and save you from the pain.

    My heart aches for you. I’m a complete stranger and I wish I could swoop in and fast forward your life to a happier place.

    I know that’s in your future. But only because I’ve been there and (sometimes just barely) survived the pain that you’re going through right now. When I was in it I didn’t think it would ever end, couldn’t see where a happier place was even possible. But I got there, and it’s simply amazing. You will get there too. I promise.

    I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. And I sincerely wish I could offer more support and take the pain away.

  10. Heather
    May 11th, 2011 @ 4:51 pm

    The two of you made a beautiful baby boy together, there is mistake there.

    So maybe a long term marriage was not in the cards for you two, but remember — it might not feel that way now, but someday in the future you might find yourself in a place where you are happier and better off than you were at your happiest with J’s dad. Not today, not tomorrow, but someday.

    *hugs*

  11. Heather
    May 11th, 2011 @ 4:52 pm

    Ack, typo!

    The two of you made a beautiful baby boy together, there is *NO* mistake there.

    (sorry!)

  12. Adrienne
    May 11th, 2011 @ 4:59 pm

    I’m sorry that life is so dark right now. So very, very sorry.

  13. Shirley
    May 11th, 2011 @ 5:08 pm

    Wow! I don’t even know what to say. You seem like a well-educated career woman and a wonderful mommy. I can only imagine what a horrible feeling knowing that the man you promise to love honor and cherish no longer loves you. In fact believes it to be a mistake. WTF!!! I read this and my heart broke for you!! Keep on posting these posts. In time your heart will mend and who knows maybe someone better will strut into your life!!XOXO¬

  14. Emily
    May 11th, 2011 @ 5:17 pm

    We are here for you. I was in the same boat and looking for closure to something I had not let go of. My ex told me he knew he didnt love me the day he married me. And he only told me this because I was slowly becoming a psycho stalker and not letting him go and I was begging for him to love me. While I felt the breath be ripped out of my chest to hear that, it was absolutely the turning point for me.

    It may be hard to see it now, but this may be the piece of the puzzle you have been looking for to move forward and start accepting this trying situation.

    I can already sense that you are getting stronger and stronger each day by your posts. It may not seem like it now, but these are the stepping stones to a happier future. I promise.

  15. Dura Mater
    May 11th, 2011 @ 5:59 pm

    Just breathe, Law-Momma. You are beautiful inside and out. There is someone better for YOU. He’s done you a favor, as heart-wrenching as it seems now. You will feel less shattered each day, and try to take comfort in the fact that there is someone out there who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. For now, you need to treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated. Go for a walk, have a spa day, hug that baby boy and marvel in the purest love there is. You’re worth it.

  16. Erica
    May 11th, 2011 @ 6:06 pm

    Whew. Kinda takes the wind out of you doesn’t it, when you hear the worst possible answer to a question that you kind of already knew the answer to. I am an officially new follower here on your blog, but I’ve admired your comments on other people’s blogs, so I’ve kind of been a “friend of a friend” for a while now. I’m also an attorney…I know what kind of educational experience you’ve been through, at least the last part of it, and I that as a result you are super smart, you question everything, and you can argue both sides of any issue, including your own self worth. That last bit is where you have to stop and think right now, though…don’t argue both sides of that one. Look at your little boy and think: he loves me unconditionally, I am so much more than 50% of why he is on this earth. Seriously, it takes man and woman, sure, but when’s the last time you saw a man actually give birth?! So I say that particular activity of bringing a child into the world allows moms to take a way higher percentage of the credit for their kids. Now is the time to allow your self worth to be determined, funnily enough, by YOURSELF and your beautiful son. Your soon to be ex has taken himself out of the equation, and though it hurts and it will hurt for a while, you have to officially not count him in your “why I am awesome or why I am not awesome” listings anymore. He is your son’s father, yes, and is due all of things that a father is due. That’s it. Eventually you’ll be okay with that, yay! Sorry to be long winded, but I just wanted to offer my support, prayers, and happy thoughts to you and your beautiful little boy. Chin up girl, what doesn’t kills us makes us awesome!!!! 🙂

  17. KristinaYellow
    May 11th, 2011 @ 6:16 pm

    It’s better to know and be clear. You can move on now. Waiting and hoping and wishing was hurting you more and more-this way you can see things clearly. It sucks. It’s not what you wanted to hear. But it struck me as I read your posting that it seemed like you have worked so hard at this-punishing yourself over and over, working on things that weren’t broken on your end-when it was really him and his choices that were causing the issues. I don’t see this as your pride being lost-I see this as pride growing. Because you tried. You gave it your all-even when it was tough and wasn’t working-and that is something to be proud of. When J wonders what happens, you can honestly say, it wasn’t due to a lack of trying and I think that will mean a great deal to him. I’m sorry you had to hear that. But remember how good you felt, just for a little bit, the other day. Focus on that. Better days will be ahead of you, with someone who adores you and J. HUGS

  18. Abigail
    May 11th, 2011 @ 7:00 pm

    I think that even if he had thrown himself at your feet and begged forgiveness, you would end up at the same place, just at a later date. My son’s father broke up with me right after our son was born and I was so hurt and angry and shocked and I would’ve done almost anything to have things back the way they were. And then they were. But not really, b/c I couldn’t forget what had happened and how he had treated me and our relationship. It eventually it became my choice to separate, just as it was yours b/c deep down you know that he is NOT the man you married. And you’ll never be able to go back to when he was or you thought he was or whatever the case may be. So, once all the paperwork is signed and over with, focus on at least one thing per day that you enjoy more without him than with him. I think you’ll be surprised how much there will be. Good luck Mama!

  19. Megan
    May 11th, 2011 @ 7:00 pm

    I’m so sorry. This is my first time reading and I just want to give you a hug.

  20. Jess@Straight Talk
    May 11th, 2011 @ 7:05 pm

    OH my word. Seriously. I was not expecting that answer from him, not like that. But whatever. You have your answer and you move forward. With the same knowledge that clearly there is someone out there with more for you.

    He is J’s father and always will be. Someday you’ll be cordial, I hope. But you also deserve someone that loves and appreciates and values you and everything you are and do.

    Time will seem like it’s taking forever to fix you, I’m sure, but you’ll be the happy Law Momma again. You will. New and improved and even better. xoxo.

  21. Jennifer
    May 11th, 2011 @ 9:16 pm

    I think it is better to know. Now you will never sit back and wonder, “what if?” And just because he thinks that doesn’t make it so. But I do know one thing for 100% sure. There is definitely someone better for you than him.

  22. Amy G.
    May 11th, 2011 @ 9:35 pm

    Today was the first day I have read your blog (I’m a SAHM with three kids, always looking to share the ups and downs of mommyhood). All I can say is what an amazing writer you are. I was sitting at my computer at home crying my eyes out for you, stunned by the emotion of your writing, wishing that I could hug a total stranger. You are so brave to put all this out there and share it.

    But this post spurred me to write — because his words are making you doubt your own worth. I don’t think that he was saying that there is someone BETTER out there, but there is someone better FOR HIM. There’s a difference. And from the sounds of it, there is definitely someone out there who is better FOR YOU (even though you are probably not ready to hear that yet).

    There is probably nothing that anyone can say or do right now to stop you from doubting your self worth, but when you’re ready to look up, a lot of people (including total strangers like me) will be there to pick you up and dust you off.

    Hugs!

  23. Anne
    May 11th, 2011 @ 9:46 pm

    He said what he said. That is his truth. Don’t let it define your reality.

    You are blessed that your marriage brought you your son. Let your divorce bring you back yourself – happy and joyful and bird freed from it’s cage soaring into the puffy white clouds.

    Though it is hard to believe right now, this pain will lessen. There will come a moment where you will have more happiness than sorrow. You are on a rollar coaster than many of us are on, or have been on. Though it may not ease the ride, IT WILL GET BETTER. IT WILL.

    The villagers are with you as you go about your daily battle.

  24. Mindy Lee
    May 11th, 2011 @ 9:53 pm

    I poured my heart out in an email to my then husband, telling him I was madly in love with him, feared we were making a huge mistake, and would be please reconsider.

    He emailed back. It simply said “I am making the best decision of my life. I should have reconsidered before I married you.”

    And I played Faith Hill’s “Like We Never Loved At All” over and over and over for way too long.

    And it absolutely broke me. I thought I was broken before. But now, I was Humpty Dumpty. I couldn’t be put back together again. I was sure of it. I was unlovable. Something was intrinsically wrong with me. When had I turned into such an awful, unlovable, undesirable woman? How did I miss that change? What in the world had I done to make the man I loved so much just – well – hate me? I felt awful. Horrible.

    Five years later, I remember those thoughts. I remember the emotions. I remember that I was hurting, terribly. But I don’t feel it anymore.

    I feel whole. And lovable. And kind. And interesting. And wonderful. Frankly, I’m an amazing woman. And I know it.

    Of course, being told that every day in every imaginable way by friends, coworkers, children, and the most lovable, fantastic man ever doesn’t hurt. Not one bit.

    Nietzsche is dead. -God

  25. Just Janice
    May 11th, 2011 @ 10:41 pm

    I wish you all the strength and courage needed to get through this tremendously challenging time. I have a friend whose husband decided to leave her when their son was just 5 months old. I admire her for her courage, I admire her for her ability to truly take the best interests of the child approach. I admire her for finding the resolve to find happiness and move forward. I admire her for looking damn good and having all her $#!+ together. It’s not easy, it sucks – but if he feels there is someone better for him, then there must also be someone better for you. Good luck!

  26. Angela
    May 11th, 2011 @ 11:20 pm

    All I have to offer is at least he was honest with you. I put myself out there with my ex and he strung us (myself and our son) along for two weeks before we were given a straight answer, and then it was only because I forced the answer. It is the worst feeling in the world knowing the man you have given everything to no longer wants or needs you. I’m trying to turn that hurt into strength and focus, key word is trying but it is a start.
    Stay strong and it will get better!(or so they tell me!)

  27. Miranda
    May 11th, 2011 @ 11:30 pm

    Oh, you. I completely understand why you needed to ask that question. But you got your answer, and in getting the answer that you got, this is the point at which you say “Wow. He never knew me at all.” Because the answer that he gave says that he didn’t, in fact, know you. Or appreciate you. And if he didn’t do that then, when he had you? There is no way he’d do that in the future. And you know? He may never love and appreciate anyone but himself. And there’s nothing you can do about that.

    You can’t make him love you. And if he doesn’t love you? Do you want him in your life?

    I know it seems like it now. I know. But you AND your son deserve so much more than he gave. So much more.

    P.S. This might be time to read or re-read Eat, Pray, Love. While the roles are reversed in that book, the things that she had to say about love and marriage and eternity are so on point here.

  28. Alexandra
    May 13th, 2011 @ 12:41 am

    No.

    I think knowing and hearing these things, though painful, help you to be determined to see it through…and not hold on to false hopes or romanticized memories.

    The truth is painful, but also illuminates the path for you.

  29. Cate
    May 13th, 2011 @ 6:49 am

    Ouch. Calm and reasoned is so much worse than just about anything else.
    If you can take any consolation from this it’s that others (esp. me) would have also laid it on the line too. Although it smarts even more because this is one thing that one’s brought on oneself (after asking questions like this I always smart from the humiliation and then beat myself up for putting myself in a position to be humiliated – argh: meta-thought), in retrospect I find that this is the lowest point and, although it doesn’t immediately (or even consistently) get better, it is the beginning of the process of getting better. So congratulations (and no, I’m not being sarcastic) – you’ve made it this far and you will be able to continue.
    Best wishes,
    Cate

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