Forever is a Mighty Long Time

Posted on | May 18, 2011 | 26 Comments

I hate being a single mom.

There.

I said it.

It sucks worse than hemorrhoids on an 8 month pregnant lady… and yes, I know all about that. Because even Hemorrhoids have an expiration date.  I’m really struggling with this concept of “forever.” I mean, I’ve struggled with the concept before on several different levels, but this is different.  This is more … immediate.  When I was a kid, I struggled with the notion of “forever.” I couldn’t quite understand (and still can’t) how to measure forever when my only concept of time was birth to death and everything in between.  When I got engaged, I struggled with making the right (or, as it turns out WRONG) decision on my “forever” love.  This was a choice I was making that I would stick by for the rest of my life… it was a forever choice. (and yes, I can still say that, even in the face of divorce because I DID make that choice… just turns out my husband didn’t.)  And now, I am struggling again; this time with the concept of being a forever mom.

Sure, yeah, we’re all forever moms from the moment we give birth.  But for single moms, it’s different.  We’re not forever on a global scale… we’re forever on a day to day, minute to minute scale.  We wake up in the morning and we’re instantly mom.  There is no pause or rewind.  There is no “Just this once could YOU get the baby?”  There is no “tonight, you’re putting the baby to bed and I”m having a glass of vino.”

There is no break on those mornings when you haven’t slept in three days and your boss is telling you to be more alert and on the point at the office and your kid is telling you that he NEEDS to watch Thomas the Train for the five hundredth time but only the exact episode he wants to see and HOW DARE YOU not have it and a five star breakfast immediately ready for consumption??

There is no break.

And I’m a worrier.  So when I start to feel my patience wearing thin, rather than being able to take a step back and say “Okay. Breathe,” I start to think “OMG I’m losing my patience with my child! Why is he doing this to me? Why am I doing this to him? Why don’t I have anyone here to pick up the slack? What if there is never anyone else to pick up the slack ever again? WHAT IF I TURN INTO A CRAZY MONSTER LADY WHO HURTS KITTENS.  No one will ever help me again! OH MY GOD I’M MELTING!” And by the end of my inner tirade monologue, I’m a goner, J is a goner, and we’re usually both in tears. My patience is as frazzled as my brain cells these days and it leads me to do things I never thought I’d ever do.

I popped my son on the leg when we were at Disney.

I realize that is not a big deal to a lot of people… but it’s a big deal to me.  I don’t believe that hitting a child is a way to teach them not to hit; it doesn’t make sense to me and therefore I can’t explain it to a child.  I’ve always said that popping, spanking, and in general using “corporal punishment” on a child is not the way to get things done;  not in my world.  But I was sick.  My stomach hurt like hell and I was tired from sharing a double bed with a 33 pound sleep ninja. (sidenote? Yeah. Not fun.  I still can’t figure out how something that size can take up so much space.)  I was sick, and tired and changing a diaper full of berry poop, which is second only to corn poop as the nastiest of all the poops.  And as if that weren’t enough, my darling child was kicking me repeatedly in the stomach… the same stomach that had been hurting for three days.

I calmly asked him to stop.

I not-so-calmly demanded that he stop.

I grabbed his legs and said “no” … you know, the word that is said so many times before breakfast that by 10:00 a.m. it’s totally lost all meaning and has become just a sound you sort of moan out in agony when there’s nothing left to say.

I had done everything I could think of to make him stop and he was laughing at me. Literally, the kid was laughing.  He thought it was a super awesome game called “Kick the blubber balloon” and he was totally winning.   The final straw came when I grabbed his legs and screamed very firmly stated “No. More. Kicking.” He laughed once then took both hands and slapped me in the face.

I did it without thinking.

I popped him on the outside of his chubby little left leg.  The legs I pretend to nibble on when we’re playing.  The legs I love more than my own legs.  The legs that wobble-run their way to me, supporting the sweet little boy with the big smile.

I lost my patience with my son.

And rationally, I know that it is going to happen again and again.  But this was the first time I really just lost it.  I didn’t pop him hard; there was no mark to show my “sin”, no tears that lasted longer than a moment… but what that moment did to my heart was terrifying.

Being a single mom means I can’t walk away when the going gets tough.  I can’t let someone else take over for me so that I can compose myself enough to deal with an over-excited and overly-tired toddler.  I can’t take the time to regain my patience when it is wearing thin. I have to learn to run on empty and I have never known how to do that.

And it is that part of being a single mother that scares me the most.

Comments

26 Responses to “Forever is a Mighty Long Time”

  1. Pam
    May 18th, 2011 @ 7:19 am

    I never thought I could run on empty, stretch myself so thin, go without my precious sleep. But when it’s just me and just them, I just do. You will too.

    I don’t know how. There isn’t a secret handshake and all will be revealed to you. You are right that forever is in every eternal difficult moment. And then the next moment comes, and then the next.

    Being a single mom means so many things and we are all of them. Be gentle with yourself, let things go, wear your bathrobe longer, play music more often.

    It does get better.

  2. Erica Snipes
    May 18th, 2011 @ 7:33 am

    Does J’s father ever take him for any amount of time? Have you reached that level of any kind of shared custody situation yet? Do you get any child support yet? I’m not sure of your personal story, but it does sound like there are some sucky times that you have to try and manage creatively and healthily for your son AND yourself! Pam is right, be gentle with yourself, take those deep breaths, and if you can buy an hour of time from a friend, from J’s father, from a friend, go get yourself a mani-pedi, or a massage, or a coffee, beer, or a glass of vino with a friend that is not taking care of J. I know that there is really no “off” time when you have to play the role of parentS as a single person, but nonetheless there is a need for time off. Oh, and by the way, and I’m probably going to hell for saying this, sometimes a smack in the hand/leg/behind is not going to be the end of the world. I’m not a “spare the rod spoil the child” kind of mom, believe me, but when you’ve said NO for the umpteen billionth time in every possible tone of voice that you think could work, redirected, given alternatives, etc., a physical punishment may be necessary. Sorry. We dole them out sparingly with my son who is enough to drive any of us to drink, and it works. Forgive yourself for the leg smack, realize it probably isn’t the last time that you’ll do something like that, but as long as it’s not your first, second, or third resort, I still think you’re an awesome mom. Way to go.

  3. Klz
    May 18th, 2011 @ 7:52 am

    I’ve popped Alex on the bottom and I’m not a single mom. You’re doing fine. It’s like breastfeeding – it’s really hard but you’ll get it.

  4. Headmistress Yca
    May 18th, 2011 @ 7:52 am

    It seems like you’re never ever ever going to get there, but there are a couple of lights at the end of the tunnel:

    – Because there is some distance between you and J’s dad, he’ll be taking him for weekends. You’re going to miss him like HELL, and the first ones are going to be hard. BUT, you need to use those weekends as therapy weekends. Don’t schedule ANYTHING during that time until you’ve finally hit an even keel with rest and rejuvenation. If you are going to schedule anything? Make it massages and mani/pedi’s.

    – Eventually, J is going to grow out of his babyness and get to be a big boy. He’ll want sleepovers with fellow cub scouts, or even just playdates. You’ll meet moms who either know what its like to go it alone, or are sympathetic and will offer to give you a hand. Take an afternoon and go to the movies by yourself.

    These are huge hard steps, but its the oxygen mask on the plane thing. If you don’t take care of yourself, you’re going to fail at taking care of him. Single mommyhood sucks, but it could be worse – you could not have J at all. *huge hugs* Love ya, LM!

  5. Verna
    May 18th, 2011 @ 7:55 am

    I loose my patience and I’m not a single mom. Don’t beat yourself up about it, it happens to all of us. You are a great mom, doing the best you can. Hopefully things will get a little easier soon! Thinking about you!

  6. Sherri
    May 18th, 2011 @ 8:37 am

    It is rough! And as most of the Moms here have said, we all lose it at times. I am a single parent to my beautiful 6year old daughter going on 4yrs now. I was scared in the beginning too. But I have to tell you, the good certainly outweighs the bad!! I can raise my child the way I want without the snide comments and criticism. Except maybe when there is that dreaded exchange on alternating weekends. But I choose to ignore that. Then when my daughter is with her father for the weekend, I enjoy it. I miss her like crazy but oh boy, me time is awesome. Keep your chin up, I promise it gets better. Way better. I LOVE being a single momma.

  7. aims t
    May 18th, 2011 @ 8:53 am

    you’re overwhelmed. that trip, though it had it’s good moments, definitely had some major stress points, that being one of them. corporal punishment can be a touchy subject, but i will say i agree with Erica. You wouldn’t let an adult hurt you repeatedly, and a child who laughs while doing it has decided you have no authority over him. it’s called willful disobedience. if a mosquito lands on your arm, you’re not going to tell it, “NO!! DON’T SUCK MY BLOOD AND GIVE ME MALARIA!!!” You’re gonna smack the hell outta it.

    i was a single mom before i got remarried and had 3 more. i was beyond overwhelmed. despite all my mistakes, my oldest is a polite, well mannered smart boy. those years were rough.

    keeping you in my prayers.
    love aims

  8. molly
    May 18th, 2011 @ 9:52 am

    Traveling with a toddler can bring out the worst in us ALL. Don’t feel too bad, sweetie.

    I can’t pretend I know how hard this is for you. But I know you’re a bad ass AND a good mama.

  9. Mary
    May 18th, 2011 @ 10:02 am

    so your human. I had the no hit rule when the boys were young too. But sometimes you have to get the control back. I had the count to 10 and leave the room rule with the boys and it seemed to work. Your going to get through this, can you get a babysitter and take a little break? Why is your husband not taking a turn?

  10. Cindy
    May 18th, 2011 @ 10:39 am

    I don’t know how or exactly when it happens, but one day you realize that things have gotten easier. That you are taking care of things that need to be done, alone…that you have more patience, more energy, just more…than you did before.

    Please remember to be kind and forgiving to yourself. It takes a while to adjust to your new normal. It can be so easy to focus on those random difficult moments and forget all the happy, good times…You are doing a wonderful job. Your son knows you love him.

  11. R's Mom
    May 18th, 2011 @ 10:47 am

    You didn’t lose patience with your son (although I know you feel like you did). You disciplined him, which is important. It’s not a fun part of being a parent, but it’s necessary. He knows what no means, and you can’t let him see you as a pushover…he needs to know that when you say no, you mean no. He’s old enough to learn that he can’t kick you in the stomach. Maybe at the end of the day you’re not comfortable with the pop on the leg, and maybe you need to find something else to use as consistent discipline. You aren’t scaring him for life. Yes, there will be tears as he learns that he can’t always get his way, but these are important life lessons for him to learn. And in the long run, it will help your sanity as well.

    Good luck!

  12. IdahoGirl
    May 18th, 2011 @ 11:46 am

    I want to echo what the other ladies have said. You’re human and this will get easier. You’ll find your way and as time goes on, will find ways to schedule some down time for yourself when J’s dad has him.

    In the meantime, know what we’ve all lost our patience at one time or another….the single moms, the moms whose husbands are deployed or work a swing shift such that they’re never home, moms whose husbands are right there every night but aren’t as “active” a parent….even those who have an active partner in the parenting arena. We’ve all lost it at one point or another and the mere fact that you’re even thinking about *how* to parent well tells me you’re a darn good parent who cares about the welfare of her child.

    This too shall pass…

  13. Nellie Moellering
    May 18th, 2011 @ 11:50 am

    Hey, while reading this I couldn’t help but have a “this too shall pass” moment. I have two toddlers, they are wonderful and beautiful and…irritating. Being a Mom to a three and four year old is not easy. Hubster and I work opposite shifts to be able to avoid daycare and so much of my “mommy-time” is basically single parent time. He goes to work when I get home and comes home in the middle of the night when we are all asleep. I’ve learned the value of a well timed movie and I’ve even paid a teenage sitter so I could go wander around the mall for a few hours in the evening.

    It does suck, and you didn’t sign up for this, which makes it suck even more. Don’t be too hard on yourself, it’s tough being a mom: but you have all the important things down.

  14. Lola
    May 18th, 2011 @ 12:14 pm

    Wow. I just want to say that it will get better. Really, it will. The first year will be your hardest, but it may help to know that there IS a time limit involved there. It will not be this hard forever, I promise.

    Your son will definitely survive the occassional “pop” – believe me. In fact, he’s likely to be more hesitant to be a pain in the future. The most important thing is that he knows you love him more than life itself. You know how a lioness will occassionally swat her wayward offspring? Same thing and those little guys get the message. I remember going through my son’s biting stage. I picked him up from daycare to find that for the 5th day in a row he’d bitten another kid. I’d tried every other method I knew to get him stop. I lost it. I looked him right in the eye (and darnit he was being held by a teacher), picked up his arm and bit him pretty good. You should have seen the look on the teacher’s face!!! But you know what? He stopped biting! I spent the next week expecting Child Protective Services to show up, but they didn’t.

    My first year of being a single mom (which, by the way, was the one thing I was mortally afraid of – being a single mom),I spent a lot of time living from moment to moment until my son went to bed. I spent a lot of time screaming on the floor into a pillow, clenching my teeth, barely breathing, and slightly out of my mind. The thing was, at the same time this was happening, my son was also my savior. Without him as my focus, I don’t know what I would have done after my divorce.

    You are stronger and more loving than you know.

  15. Steph
    May 18th, 2011 @ 12:44 pm

    Every mom loses her patience and does something they regret. Every one of them. single or married there is only so much patience available to us.

    When Joe was traveling overseas for weeks (and even months) at a time I learned two things.

    1. Ask for help. Find a teenager, a neighbor, a friend, a family member, someone… ask for a time out. Ask around at his daycare, ask other moms. Someone will know of a responsible teenager you can call for a 30 minute break and that is not something you should feel guilty about. I was lucky, we had one next door and she’s great. I would pay her $10 to sit with the kids while I went to the library. The library was AWESOME because it was quiet and calming. I came back a more centered person. There’s no shame in asking for help because everyone needs a break, even a married mom. Most dads are clueless and don’t recognize the need to step up to the plate anyway so even when Joe was home I would take that 30 minute library trip occasionally. The only difference was that I was escaping 3 kids instead of two and I saved $10.

    2. I know this wasn’t possible in that situation, but the most important thing you have to learn when you’re at home is to walk away. If he’s having a meltdown or you just can’t deal, put him in a safe place (crib, room, etc…) and shut yourself in the bathroom and count to 10 and breathe. It’s not for him, it’s for you and it can make a world of difference in your attitude and patience level. Even if all you do is sob for those 10 seconds. I know at the times you can’t do that it’s SO much harder, but it’s something I strongly encourage any mom who spends a lot of time alone with her young kids. I had to learn to do it with Joey because he was so out of control at times and it’s a valuable resource to me even now that they are getting older.

    You will get there, I promise. It doesn’t happen overnight and a month isn’t enough time to find your groove but you will find it and although it will still suck, you will find yourself better able to cope with it. A lot of it is finding a routine that works for both of you, which takes time and is harder to accomplish when you’re still so raw from the divorce.

    Also, when you get moved maybe you will find other single moms who support each other. A lot of towns have groups of women like that and they know the value of that 30 minutes so they take turns giving each other a break.

    There are times you’re alone and there are times you don’t have to be and sometimes it’s hard to realize the latter part of that statement. ((((HUGS))))

  16. Fancy
    May 18th, 2011 @ 12:57 pm

    You may not have anyone to pick up the slack when the goin’ gets rough…. But you do have a bathroom. Or a bedroom. Whatever feels right at the time.

    During my moments when I’m losing my patience and I’m in dire need of a cool down, I go to the washroom or to my bedroom and close the door.

    My daughter doesn’t like to be left out in any way, but I tell her Mommy needs a cool down and I keep the door closed.

    She usually lays down outside the door screaming and crying hysterically…. But those few minutes to myself (even with a crying toddler just on the other side of the door) really help me settle down.

    I take some deep breaths. I swear in whispers so that my daughter can’t hear. I sometimes put my head in my hands and have a REALLY big cry. I sometimes pretend to pull my hair out. I sometimes just stand there and stare.

    Then, a switch flips and I’m (mostly) okay to deal with life again. It doesn’t mean that, when I open that door everything is going to be perfect… It’s usually far from perfect. But I’ve had a few minutes to collect myself and I can breathe again.

    It’s not a solution to all the world’s problems, or even all of the single mom problems……….. But it’s something.

    Good luck.

    It will get better. I promise.

  17. Prudence
    May 18th, 2011 @ 1:28 pm

    Give yourself a lot more credit – I know it’s hard because sometimes that leads to guilt. All these ladies have great points, and know we are here for you to vent, cry and even laugh.
    J is still in a difficult age – because you love him so much and he’s so cute, but at the same time he lacks empathy because, well he’s a toddler. I get when they laugh in your face and you are “so not happy”. It’s infuriating. Hang in there. Keep writing – you have a wonderful way with words and I know you’re on words will help you each and every day.

    xo

  18. Marisa
    May 18th, 2011 @ 1:42 pm

    I’m not a single mom and realize just by that nature it would be annoying to pretend to relate. But I lose my cool ALL the time and pretty much feel guilty ALL the time. Mine are 8 & 5 with another on the way and I can tell you like others say, it’s a marathon, pace yourself. It gets WAY easier as they become functioning little people that totally adore you (sometimes). But you’ll still loose your cool ALL the time and still feel guilty ALL the time.

    Though I love my husband dearly, he’s hardly ever home. He gets home past bed times, leaves before wake up time and is usually out of town. I feel I get little “your turn” time and almost get annoyed that when it is his turn, he’s just the fun guy. But I at least knew that going into our relationship which is totally different than being thrown into it unwillingly so I don’t pretend to relate. But I know how much easier I lose my cool when it has been constant. You’re not alone.

    When I’m particularly broody I remember what someone told me after a dark moment in my life (mom’s death when I was 15). They said to give myself a specific date one year out and on that date, think back to how much things have changed and how dark moments do eventually lighten. Yes this moment defines you, but it’s up to you to lift the veil. Don’t make it darker than it needs to be.

    You’re crazy girl turned responsible lawyer adult mom. You’ll be fine.

    Sending hugs.

  19. Tiffany @MomNom
    May 18th, 2011 @ 3:48 pm

    I promise, dear, it gets easier. Bubs was almost four before my husband came along. Yes, there were times when it felt like I was being swallowed hole by everything, but there were also times when it was “me and him versus the world” and we could do anything and I was doing it and we didn’t need “no man” and I would be his momma forever….
    Take the good, with that bad, and know that this too shall pass.

    You’re doing it. You’re making it. And one day real soon you’re going to wake up and realize that you’re happy again and living life and living it well.

    Just keep going through the motions, feeling the emotions and…stay positive.

    xoxo

  20. Anne
    May 18th, 2011 @ 4:52 pm

    Sweetie – it’s okay. It’s okay to hate your current state. Having a toddler is rough, even if you have a second string to give you some relief. Some single mom’s have a former spouse/ or baby’s father to help out – some don’t. My little one is 3.5 and does not see his father at all.

    It is all me, all the time. And it is mentally and physically exhausting. But sometimes it is also the most rewarding as well!

    It may or may not be forever. The tricky thing about forever…you don’t know if it will be forever until it isn’t.

    Take it one moment at a time, the best you can. Be weak when you have to, be strong when you can. That’s all you can do. That’s all any of us can do.

    Some days I am fine and others I curl up into the fetal position and weep.

    One moment at a time.

  21. KristinaYellow
    May 18th, 2011 @ 6:17 pm

    We’ve all had that moment of doing something that we didn’t think we ever would actually do. I swore that my kid would never do the pacifier after seeing a 5 yr old relative who used it 24/7. Um, after 3 months of colicky baby, yup, it was the only thing that sometimes brought relief. Now, 2 yrs later, she still uses it at night. Sigh. Still-when it comes to swatting/tapping/whatever you call it, if you are really bothered, I’d say that’s good. It’s important to you-and sometimes it’s good to know your limits of when he’s pushed you there. Now you know how you feel and before you react like that again, you can step back. I’ve definitely learned that I am way more patient that DD’s dad and I step in when I see him reaching that not-good point. He doesn’t see read those warning signs-I do. I don’t want her to have to deal with his loss of control you know? Still-sometimes we all do. And when it happens, hug your baby. Explain that you are not happy with how you reacted, why it happened (what he was doing), and promise you’ll try to do better. Apologize. Sounds silly to do it for a toddler but trust me, it’s better to model that while he’s young so he understands how people process feelings and apologies than to wait. And give yourself some slack-being a mom is a 30hr a day type of job-neverending and sometimes thankless and overwhelming. So, when something happens, start over. You may start over a dozen times a day-but start over. Clean slate. Refocus on you and J and something good about the you both. When he hugs you or looks at you with a smile or does something hilarious. This is still transition time. You still have stuff going on with moving, J’s dad, and grieving. It’s going to get better-it’ll get smoother when things settle down and you aren’t still so raw.
    I’m really wishing you lived near me-J could come and play with my DD and you could have a break. I hope you are feeling better; know you have so much support and love here. You are a great mom-never ever think differently. HUGS

  22. Becca
    May 18th, 2011 @ 6:31 pm

    ^^^ they all said everything I was going to say.

    Hug

  23. Heather
    May 18th, 2011 @ 8:48 pm

    So, you did something you didn’t want to… you slipped… you aren’t happy about it, and you feel bad. Forgive yourself. You have enough on your plate without a heaping pile of guilt. You’re doing the best you can, and J will be OK.

    I don’t intend to spank my daughter either, but I was spanked as a kid (just hard enough to sting, nothing worse)and I came out OK for it too.

    My daughter is 17 months old. She used to listen to my instructions, especially regarding clean-up at the end of the day, but lately, I’ll tell her to put her mega-blocks in the bag, and she’ll just ignore me. She’s too young to really understand discipline, and it was the end of the day, I didn’t know how to many the point any other way. It’s hard at this age because they get it and they DON’T get it at the same time…

    Just expressing sympathy for the part I can commiserate about… and offer get more *hugs*

    Your honesty is refreshing. When suffering through PPD, I had some thoughts and feelings I was embarrassed to express. Even to this day, since I work part-time, I sometimes enjoy the days I work more than the days I’m home with my daughter… and I feel so bad and guilty… like a good mother would never think those things. Right now I’m home for the 3rd day with a sick baby and the weather’s been horrible rain the whole time…ugh.

    I hope it is cathartic of you to let these feelings off your chest. If you need to vent about anything that you don’t feel comfortable blogging about, you know there are many people reading who would be happy to listen via e-mail (myself included)

    Hang in there..

  24. Liz
    May 19th, 2011 @ 11:57 am

    Having a toddler can be mind-numbingly frustrating.

    My son went through a phase at about the same age where he would attack me. Sometimes it was borderline violent. Diaper changes involved him smacking me in the face repeatedly, getting progressively harder. He’d also kick me. In the throat. As hard as he could. It was horrible. He didn’t behave that way for anyone else.

    I tried telling him to be gentle. I tried leaving the room. I tried smacking him. Nothing worked. Finally, out of desperation, I tried hugging him. As soon as he’d start getting aggressive, I would hug him to the changing pad and tell him that I would let go if he was done hitting. It worked like a charm. It was still a hassle and things finally got all the way better once he potty trained.

    I think a lot of it was frustration that he wasn’t in control of the situation.

    I can’t imagine how you’re dealing with everything you have in front of you, but you’ll find a way.

  25. Jennifer
    May 20th, 2011 @ 9:53 am

    You feel that way every single time even if you do believe in spanking. It always really does hurt you more than it hurts them.

    Question, did it work?

  26. Kelly
    July 1st, 2011 @ 12:25 pm

    I thought the same thing about divorce, right up until I was so depressed I was on the brink of suicide. Then I told the now ex that if things didn’t change, I was outta there. Nothing changed, he said he would do anything, nada, no effort, zip. So I filed and left, its been 18 months now. We have 50-50 custody of our 3 yr old and 6 yr old. It sucks. I cried as I filed, I cried as I bought my house, I cried when I moved out, and I still cry. I cry when I have the kids, becuase I am a lousy mom who left their dad and screwed them up for life, becuase I loose my temper too often, becuase I yell too much…you get the point. I cry when they are with their dad, because I miss them sooo much, becuase the silence is deafening, and becuase I don’t want to be alone anymore. But then I stop crying and think rationally (I’m a psychologist, I think ALOT). I am in a better place, even though I yell a lot, I am a good mommy, and even though its been a hard year and a half, we are making this work and the kids will be ok. Me, a single mom forever? Terrifies me, and I will cry, a lot more, but I am not suicidal anymore, I am not clinically depressed anymore, and I see my children laugh and love and know that I made the right choice, no matter how hard it was and how much I cry. So keep going, one day after another, find 5 minutes a day to just BE. And know that it isn’t forever…its just today. It gets better, it just doesn’t always seem like it will!

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