Scabbing Over
Posted on | May 23, 2011 | 15 Comments
For a while, the hurt was what hurt the most. I couldn’t understand what I had done to deserve this. I couldn’t understand why he would leave; couldn’t understand why he didn’t love me. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t good enough for him or why he wouldn’t try to work things out. My pride was wounded alongside my heart.
It hurt to think of him.
It hurt to see his number on my phone or his email address in my inbox.
Every time he was nice or polite was like another stinging slap to my face — he was calm and collected; he was fine without me.
And it hurt.
But then somewhere along the way, that mind and soul numbing hurt began to wear thin.
The wound was is still there, gaping up at me… but it is starting to scab over. It is still new, still fresh on my skin and soul and heart, but that instant soul-crushing pain is gone. In it’s place is irritation; a throbbing anger of pain that makes me want to lash out.
How dare he do this to me and to our son?
How dare he think he can walk out on his family and still be an everyday part of our lives?
How dare he pretend to be a loving and attentive person now, when I needed him to be loving and attentive before?
How dare he make me doubt myself, my worth, my beauty and my gifts and talents?
How.
Dare.
He.
The wound is still new.
It stings and aches with the slightest pressure of examination. The brushing against it of memories still brings tears… but, yes, it is scabbing over.
I no longer cry because he didn’t love me…
I cry for being so naive as to ever love him at all.
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15 Responses to “Scabbing Over”
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Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at http://www.law-momma.com.
May 23rd, 2011 @ 10:27 pm
For me, this week approaching what would have been my 15th wedding anniversary (May 25) has been harder than I expected. It has been 6 years since my divorce. I’m over it. Waaaay over it. I have a new man, a new life and my first child. But I remember. And the last line you wrote today made me sit still for several minutes with both hands to my mouth, which fell open. I remember the feeling. My heart goes out to you.
May 23rd, 2011 @ 10:31 pm
Losing a marriage is like losing a person. You have to go through all the stages of grief before completely moving on.
You’ll get there & be stronger for it.
May 23rd, 2011 @ 10:41 pm
This is going to sound awful, but I’m so glad you’re finally angry!!
Think about pregnancy. Most women (and I use *most* with a lot of care, because we all know what happens when you generalize) … most women get a surge of energy during their 2nd trimester. I did. I became SUPERWOMAN. My first trimester I’m all pukey and exhausted and anemic and dying. But my 2nd? WOW.
And that’s what the anger felt like for me. How dare he use me and abuse me and the kids? That’s a bunch of bull right there!!! When the anger hit, I suddenly became Supermom, and was able to get so much done and was able to heal faster and ignore more of his stupidity.
Here’s to anger, my friend. Be empowered!
May 23rd, 2011 @ 11:27 pm
I think dealing with a divorce is a lot like grief. However, instead of progressing in a linear manner, it rocks and rolls between stages. Shock, anger, then depression, then anger again! then depression . . . etc. I wonder sometimes if it would be easier if my husband had died, as all hope would be extinguished, and blame would be moot (not that I wish that, mind you).
Unlike you, I don’t cry for loving my husband. There was no way that I, particularly in my youth, could have known it would end like this. And although this is THE MOST PAINFUL thing I’ve ever experienced, I don’t regret marrying him, or having children with him. He changed; I’m sure I changed too. But how he HANDLED those changes is the part that I mourn and feel angry about.
It’s not a crime to not be happy in your marriage. But how you handle that unhappiness can be destructive, unfair, and worthy of contempt.
You deserve better. Period. As does your son.
May 24th, 2011 @ 7:30 am
Tara, You’re absolutely right. I don’t regret marrying my husband because then I’d have to regret my son and seriously? He’s the best thing ever. But as much as I’d like to say I don’t regret loving him… these days? I can’t help but feel that way. I don’t like the person he became, I don’t like the changes he made or how he handled them but right now, I’m so mad at him that I can’t process anything but just be mad that I loved him enough to let him hurt me so badly.
May 23rd, 2011 @ 11:55 pm
Absolutely, positively normal divorce grief behavior and sometimes the stages happen all in a day or maybe it’ll be a week/month and these feelings never fail to surprise you because they keep coming back at the oddest times until you heal. Just feel what you feel, understand it’s grief so you don’t act on it and keep moving forward to the ultimate goal of peace. You are doing a awesome job whether you know it or not!
May 24th, 2011 @ 12:53 am
Welcome to the anger stage. I don’t want to make light of it but it sure feels better than the first stage….if you’re not familiar with the stages of grief:
1. Denial and Isolation.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.
It’s not a linear process. Most people roll around the different stages for a while before reaching acceptance. There is no particular timeline for getting there either.
I do know, however, that anger sure feels a whole lot better than the “what the hell happened, why doesn’t he love me anymore” phase….
May 24th, 2011 @ 1:46 am
I agree with all of the above. Anger is good. It means you’re healing. ((((HUGS))))
May 24th, 2011 @ 7:27 am
I’ve always felt that mad was a much more productive emotion than sad. That’s a big step.
May 24th, 2011 @ 8:22 am
let the healing begin…..
May 24th, 2011 @ 9:02 am
Divorce is a long period of mourning. Even though I initiated mine, there was great sadness and anger for the careless way he treated our marriage. I don’t regret a minute of it, and I have learned so much, but it was hard to move past some of those angry feelings. I don’t always get to comment but I am thinking of you and your little man. <3
May 24th, 2011 @ 10:30 am
It’s the five stages of grief but in a whole new, awful way. But I’m glad you’re healing. SO glad.
May 24th, 2011 @ 10:37 am
Hi Law-Mama,
I have been rocked by divorce also. My ex left me suddenly two years ago. I tried everything including (though I am not proud of it) being friends with benefits with him just so that he would realize what he was losing. However he used my neediness to control the divorce and the outcome was pathetic. I have been where you are and currently have found that strength to finally stand up to him. Make sure you protect yourself legally, physically and emotionally. The man that I loved and married became this person that scared me during the process. I don’t want anyone to ever go through what I have been through.
You are going to make it. You will because of your son and the people that love you. The road is tough and long but ultimately you will look back on it and see that you are a strong, resilient, amazing woman.
You are so right when you state “how dare he”
You are in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need to vent, email me. I am a therapist by trade and currently am writing a book about my divorce experience.
sarah
May 24th, 2011 @ 1:22 pm
Print these words and make into a big print for your wall.
“She turned her Can’ts into Cans and Her Dreams into PLANS”
author unknown
May 25th, 2011 @ 11:12 am
Good. And yes, how dare he?
That anger, if kept in perspective (so that it doesn’t warp into bitterness) will help to propel you forward into your new life. Grief is an important part of rhw healing process, but it drags you down, sucks up all your energy. Anger, though, makes you move.