Being Alone

Posted on | May 25, 2011 | 13 Comments

I’m scared to be alone.

Not in a global, emotional way… I don’t have any problem not having a significant other.  I am scared to be alone in my house.  When I’m alone, I start to think about things that I shouldn’t think about.  I start to have dreams at night about things I don’t want to dream about.  I start to feel like it might be okay to have a complete and total breakdown or that maybe, just maybe, it’s a good idea to call That Person Who Used to Live Here.

I don’t like the things that happen when I’m alone.

So I’m so happy that my awesome cousin has come to live with me for the next three weeks.  She’s going to watch J while I work and in general let me have a bit of a life outside of work and mommyhood.  I am so happy that she’s here that I wish I could buy her a car. (Not really, Aunt Judy, in case you’re reading this. Seriously, No. )  She got here last night and, among other awesome things, she’s staying in That Other Bedroom.  It’s great to have someone back there to re-identify the room with something and someone positive.  But most of all, it’s just great to know that after J goes to bed, I’m not alone.  I don’t have to fight off the demons of sadness, grief and mourning.  I don’t have to wonder if I’ll have the willpower not to call That Person Who Used to Live Here.  I don’t have to wonder if it’s another night of going to bed with splotchy red eyes.

I don’t have to think about Him, at all.

I rationally realize that she can’t stay forever.  I realize that I can’t keep avoiding the fact that I am a single mother now.  I realize that if I’m going to do this, I have to actually DO this.  I realize that eventually I have to wake up and go to sleep in this house without another soul to keep my mind occupied… except, you know, for J. I will have to figure out a way to keep myself from spiraling down… eventually.

But honestly? I’m okay with putting off that reality for awhile.

Comments

13 Responses to “Being Alone”

  1. Alexandra
    May 25th, 2011 @ 8:25 am

    I hear what you’re saying.

    You will get used to it. Transitions take time.

    I can tell you, that you will be alright.
    And you will become so proud of how self sufficient you will be, and how much you will learn.

    There will be headaches and inconveniences, but you will become a stronger woman, and a greater mother through all these challenges.

    I now you will.

    I can’t wait to read what you write one year from now.

    You will be so different.

  2. Savgypsy
    May 25th, 2011 @ 9:04 am

    This is a great way to transition to being alone again. Friends & family that are able to help you, want to make things easier for you! You will eventually be glad to be on your own defining your own life. But it’s always good to know there are others out there when times get tough or you need a break. Good luck with the new job!

  3. monk
    May 25th, 2011 @ 9:26 am

    oh that’s great – tell her I said hello! xoxo.

  4. Mary
    May 25th, 2011 @ 9:39 am

    I’m glad you got some help, enjoy every minute you can working on you, it will make it easier on being a single mom when she is gone. And it’s okay to be scared. take care.

  5. KLZ
    May 25th, 2011 @ 10:23 am

    Reality is super overrated as is normal. Meaningless words, really.

  6. Erica
    May 25th, 2011 @ 11:02 am

    Transitions are scary and hard. Glad you have someone with you to ease you into your new life. I agree with the first commenter, though, you will be changed through all of this, you eventually have to be by yourself, but you will come out stronger. I, too, can’t wait to read what you’re writing six months to a year from now. Best blessings!

  7. ellen
    May 25th, 2011 @ 11:59 am

    Does your ex read this blog? Just wondering, if you know and/or care.

  8. Law Momma
    May 25th, 2011 @ 6:37 pm

    Ellen: I don’t think so, not that I’d care if he did. He never would read it when we were married even though I asked him to, so I doubt he reads it now.

  9. elle
    May 25th, 2011 @ 2:31 pm

    I know what you mean. I HAD to keep myself busy or I would crumple on the floor. Overtime it gets easier. I am so glad there is someone else there to reidentify the space for you.

    {hugs}

  10. Jess@Straight Talk
    May 25th, 2011 @ 4:07 pm

    That’s fantastic! I’m so glad you’ll have someone there to help you make re-associations and give you Law Lady time (you can be a regular person and not just in mom mode). Love it.

  11. Sarah
    May 25th, 2011 @ 7:43 pm

    It’s so good for you to realize that you shouldnt be alone. Being alone sometimes can cause you to think negative thoughts about yourself and about your strength. Never forget that you are strong and powerful beyond measure. Even in your darkest moments, remember….you will get through this.

  12. Mel
    May 25th, 2011 @ 11:12 pm

    I check in on you every now and again, and I must say this: Sister, please don’t ever capitalize Him when referring to that person who used to share your life. He does not deserve the cap. You’ll be fine. Enjoy the company while you can, get a dog, buy a handgun, and rely on the same God who’s met you before. He is still there and He deserves the capital letter—not the jackaninny who’s absent from your life.

  13. KristinaYellow
    May 26th, 2011 @ 6:50 pm

    Yippee!!!! I’m so glad you have someone that will help you…and even more so, that can remind you just how awesome you are! 🙂

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