No Avoiding It Now

Posted on | June 21, 2011 | 10 Comments

The idea of divorce comes at you hard and fast.  A freight train, barreling over your heart and mind, leaving you little time to shield yourself, little time to run for cover, and little time to prepare.  The first few weeks are like one long nightmare.  You wade through your days, trudging amidst the thick cobwebs of pain and wondering why you find yourself in this place… this terrible, unfamiliar, and dark place.

Then, not as suddenly as it begins, but slowly, you begin to see the barest hint of light outside the room.  You start to hear the mumblings of voices, the conversation of the living, carrying on around you.  You are still mired down in the quicksand of your ache, but you start to feel a little less alone… a little lighter… a little more like there will be a way out, someday.

And then you wake up one day and your first thought isn’t of the empty space beside you in the bed.  Your first thought isn’t how hurt or alone you are.  Your first thought isn’t anything more or less than “what’s for breakfast” or “what day is it” or, if you’re me, “Ack. J peed in my bed again.”  It’s a normal thought.  It’s a normal occurrence.  And you realize you’re slowly reaching out and tickling the edges of normal.

You start to feel bold.

You start to feel strong.

You start to feel as though maybe, just maybe, this isn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened.  You start to feel that maybe you WILL be better off.  You start to think that you are weathering this storm awfully well.

And then something happens.  A crack in the dam.  A security question about your anniversary or your spouse’s middle name.  A form with a box to check only “single,” “married” or “divorced” and you don’t know which box to check so you check all three and hope someone can sort it out for you.

This one thing happens… or maybe nothing happens… and either way you find yourself staring down that hauntingly familiar freight train as it hurtles itself towards you, steaming his name and wearing his face plastered on all sides and twice on the engine.

No matter how hard you try, you just can’t avoid the reality of your situation.  No matter how well you’re doing or how together you seem, there will always be those moments when your stiletto heel breaks and you find yourself sprawled out again, wallowing in the thick, congealed angst of a life alone.

You just can’t avoid it.

I just can’t avoid it.

I am getting divorced.

Comments

10 Responses to “No Avoiding It Now”

  1. Chunky Mama
    June 21st, 2011 @ 8:41 pm

    I’m sorry.
    But, I am certain that as time continues to pass, you will encounter less and less of those moments, and more of the light and happiness you deserve.

  2. Anthony from CharismaticKid
    June 21st, 2011 @ 9:07 pm

    So far this has been true for my relationships, whether this is a positive or negative for you. But to fully get over someone, it is half of the time that you have been together.

    However, i’ve only been with someone for four years max. So I’m probably not a good judge.

  3. Elizabeth
    June 21st, 2011 @ 9:20 pm

    Next time you get one of those forms where you have to check a box, simply draw your own box, check it, and then beside it write: Sassy redhead (the one with the boobs). (Please see previous comment on other post before you get offended.)

  4. Luna
    June 21st, 2011 @ 9:55 pm

    I like what Elizabeth said… I think I’m going to send you happy mail.

  5. Cindy
    June 21st, 2011 @ 11:43 pm

    As someone who has been going through a horrific divorce/custody battle for over two years (and a redhead to boot), I feel fairly qualified to respond to this…as time goes on, the “sassy” definitely overshadows the sad and insecure. I suggest you re-read your What I’ve Learned post as well as several of the others, noting your status as rock star supreme. You CAN do this. It does NOT define you. You are an amazing woman, lawyer, goddess and your son is so lucky to have you.

  6. Maria
    June 22nd, 2011 @ 8:37 am

    There are ALWAYS going to be good days and bad days. Pretty soon the good will FAR outnumber the bad. Hang in there!

  7. Heather
    June 22nd, 2011 @ 3:00 pm

    Thanks for sharing your honest ride on this emotional roller coaster. Hang in there. You are tougher than this. Promise.

  8. Jennifer
    June 22nd, 2011 @ 5:19 pm

    But you are coming to terms with it and that is such a huge step.

  9. Lee
    June 28th, 2011 @ 9:22 pm

    This was an amazing piece of your soul that you barred. Erin sent me over. I’m glad that she did. Just know that you aren’t alone and it does get better.

  10. Issa
    July 1st, 2011 @ 2:47 pm

    I know this won’t help at all…but the times of that smack in the face of reality will get less and less over time. I’m 18 months in. I can go a whole months sometimes now.

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