Finding the Truth

Posted on | June 30, 2011 | 15 Comments

When my husband told me he wanted a divorce, I was shocked.  And I say that with full honesty.  There was nothing leading up to that moment that made me believe he was anything less than satisfied with our life just as it was. 

Sure, we fought. 

Yes, we had problems.

But as recently as the week before, we were saying “I love you” every time we said goodbye.  As recently as the week before we were planning things like vacations and family outings.  As recently as the week before he was whispering in my ear that I was his wife, his love.  He was telling me I was beautiful… a week before.

I don’t know that it is like that for everyone.  I don’ t know if some divorces are telegraphed for centuries before they happen.  But for me, there was no real notice.  No one knocked on my door and said “Prepare yourself… in four days, you’re going to get knocked on your ass.”  No one told me “Clean the door of your fridge from midway down because you’re going to spend a lot of time crumpled there, pressed against the coldness of the door.”  No one told me this was coming.

I spent a lot of time re-hashing the months before.  I thought about every argument.  I thought about the conversations we had, the ones where I begged him to be more attentive to his wife and child… the ones where I tossed around ultimatums like “quit your computer game or …” and never could bring myself to say the rest of the sentence.  I thought about the times we talked about the future and his concerns about having more children and my concerns about having an only child.  I thought about the times we sat, separately together, him on his computer and me on mine, pounding out words and questions and hoping for an answer from someone … even if it wasn’t him.

Ultimately, though I had no real warning for the instantaneous feeling of having the rug pulled out from under me, I suppose I should have seen it coming.  I suppose, in retrospect, there was no where for us to go but away from each other… neither of us wanted to change who we were to fit the other.  We started out so well… we started out so strong and so together.  And somewhere along the way, something changed.  I’d love to say it was his fault.  I’d love to say that all of this just happened to me and I played no part in it… but that’s not true.

The ending of our marriage was a two party affair.  We stopped being the people we needed to be to make it work.  I never wanted to learn about his video game obsession; I thought it was stupid and childish.  He never wanted to learn about my likes and dislikes; he thought they were stupid and girly.  We grew apart so slowly that it seemed natural to me to just be living together, and yet separate.  We still had good times.  We still had fun together.

It was still a shock to me that he didn’t want to make it work.

But I can not hold him solely responsible for what happened to my marriage.  I am sure there were things I could and would have done differently.  And maybe there are even things he would do differently if he could turn back the clocks… I’d like to think that he would.  Ultimately, maybe he’s right… maybe there is someone better for both of us… not better people, just better fits.  

It is a hard pill to swallow.  

I am the first (and hopefully only) to get a divorce in my family. 

I would have stayed the course and stuck it out for the love of the man I used to know, long before he became the man he is today. 

So maybe he did me a favor by throwing open the book of our lives and ripping out the blank pages.  Maybe he did me a favor by pulling the plug on our marriage.  Maybe I will be better off.

Not today, of course.  Today I am still shell shocked and bitter.  Today I am still wondering if and when he will come back.  Today I am still wanting all of this to be a nightmare.

Not today.

But someday.

Comments

15 Responses to “Finding the Truth”

  1. Jenn
    June 30th, 2011 @ 10:18 am

    Just hugs.

  2. Keya
    June 30th, 2011 @ 10:52 am

    I love your blog. I wonder about marriage all the time…my own, my friends, my family. How does it work? How does it fail? Love and hugs to u.

  3. Anthony from CharismaticKid
    June 30th, 2011 @ 11:21 am

    Honestly he’s a grown man. Video game obsession is not healthy. There’s no being proactive in that. No passion.. just entertainment with technology.

    How long ago did you guys break up?

  4. Verna
    June 30th, 2011 @ 11:28 am

    ((HUG))

  5. Karey
    June 30th, 2011 @ 11:41 am

    You write so beautifully. Seriously. You share you heart with such openness and it’s just amazing. Everytime I read your blog posts I feel like I’m one of your best friends that you’re choosing to share your innermost secret thoughts with and I always finish wanting to read more.

    Anyway, I hope that this doesn’t sound stalker-ish – that was *not* the goal, I just love the way you write. I can’t wait for you to write a novel (hint-hint) you know, in all your spare time and all. 😉

    HUGS!

  6. Irina
    June 30th, 2011 @ 11:58 am

    Reading your blog makes me think a lot about my own marriage. I can only imagine how scary and unexpected this was for you. Everyone fights and has disagreements, but, no one expects the word divorce to result from these arguments. I really feel for you!! Hugs!!

  7. Maria
    June 30th, 2011 @ 12:26 pm

    I see so much of who I used to be in your blog. I could have written this entry a few years ago. There are so many similarities is kind of scary. I want you to know…things will get better, you will become stronger and you will even be happy again someday!! Hang in there!

  8. facie
    June 30th, 2011 @ 4:12 pm

    I think divorce is a lot like death. When my first grandmother died, we knew it was coming because of how bad she was doing, thanks to cancer. Yet I was still devastated and shocked and cried for days and days.

    Not that this helps and it certainly does not make it any easier, but I don’t think it would have hurt any less for you had you had some inkling. When my parents divorced, they had been on rocky ground for a couple of years. At the age of 18, I was pretty much praying they would get a divorce because I just could not take it anymore (fights, lies, etc.). Yet when it finally came, it was like getting punched in the stomach and was hard for months, even years.

    I have seen people go through hell and back thanks to divorce (and death). Fortunately, they have all emerged okay. Sometimes it takes months and sometimes even years (hopefully it won’t take that long for you). You will prevail.

  9. HonestConvoGal
    June 30th, 2011 @ 8:04 pm

    Hello there Law Mama. This exact thing just happened to a dear friend of mine. Same story. He and his wife were together for 10 years. He stayed with her through a terrible battle with depression. She got better. He thought things were fine. Then one day she said it was over. He said it was like being hit by a Mac truck. I think it is probably the thing people in “happy marriages” most fear. That they’re not in happy mariages. Keep writing your truth. And put one foot in front of the other. One day you will wake up and notice that you don’t feel as much like you used to. And you’ll wonder when that happened. Best wishes. BTW, I lived in Macon for 8 years. I went through a terrible depression there and got out of it when I found a little artist village over by the train tracks, the name of which I’ve complete forgotten. Macon was the place where my creativity was reborn. Yours too maybe?

  10. ohcntrygirl
    July 1st, 2011 @ 3:11 am

    I have been there. TOTALLY been there…. Like come home from work after picking up the newly one year old after not even two years of marriage and being handed papers by a sheriff’s deputy.
    That horrible pit that once was your stomach that’s now in the soles of your feet, it’ll come back up. It’ll get better.
    I have faith that you will find happiness again. I have. I have found peace with in the chaos. Hold on to your little one. Mine was my life safer. I kept going on for her. One day at a time.
    Three years after the rug was pulled out from under me, I have learned from my mistakes and have found myself and discovered that I am much happier today than I even have been. I hope for the same for you!

  11. KristinaYellow
    July 1st, 2011 @ 1:48 pm

    Like several others, this scares me. It’s like seeing my marriage-the computer/technology obsessed hubby and my girly-ie not his interests-self. And we’re in counseling trying to find our way back. It’s scary. He brings up another kid, I’m worried about “what if….” Thank God you are sharing your thoughts. This is so painful for you but I can only be grateful that you choose to share with us all. You are moving forward with the most important man of all-J. You will both be better off-are already better off-just for the simple fact that when things aren’t right in a marriage, the child suffers. Now you can both be your best for him-and honestly-now you don’t have to be wondering what else you can do or should do or have done that wasn’t working. You can know that you tried-you worked-you are wonderful the way you are and it wasn’t your loss. HUGS

  12. Issa
    July 1st, 2011 @ 2:42 pm

    Last year, I could have written this. My husband called it quits and I had no freaking idea. I spent the following year trying to figure out where it really went wrong. I’m now unsure that there is an exact answer. I just know I’m still shocked.

    Hugs to you.

  13. Mom on a Line
    July 2nd, 2011 @ 2:32 pm

    First, I want to send you a hug.

    Second, I know a person who was shocked to learn of their divorce. The person never planned to divorce even though they knew their spouse was not in sync with them any more. In the end, I’m grateful to that woman who finally pulled the plug on her marriage because my husband would never have done so. I met him 6 months after their divorce was finalized. I can’t speak for him, but he has told me on any number of occasions how much happier he is now. We just fit better than he did with his first wife. While he never intended or planned to get a divorce, it was exactly what he needed to find the life waiting for him.

  14. Laura
    July 3rd, 2011 @ 4:24 am

    Karen, it always amazes me how elequantly you put into words what I am experiencing in my life. Yes, I know that my siutation is flipped, and it was ME that finally pulled the rug out from underneath my husband and said enough is enough… but the computer games, the lack of interest, the living separately even though we were living together – all exactly the same for me. It is interesting for me to hear of you dealing with the process from the other side, but in exactly the same ways that I’m dealing with it from my side.

    And you should know, that up until 6 months ago I would have stuck it out for him, despite being unhappy and feeling unfulfilled. Even though I told him a year ago I was done… I deeply believed that we were ment to stay together, that the last 16 years was significant. That because I had been with him since I was 19 years old ment that I was ment to be with him forever. But the truth of it was, he wasn’t capable of being the companion and partner that I deserved, or the role model in the situation we were in that my kids deserved. Even after me telling him a year ago – things need to change, because I’m done with the status quo” and him not seeming to care enough to do a single thing about it.

    Ultimately I was dying a little inside every day that I stayed with him. However, in my situation there hadn’t been an “I love you” or a compliment paid for years… it had been an emotional struggle just to connect enough to have the “family fun” that the kids deserved and it was multiple conversations of “I’m not happy, we need to reconnect and things need to change”… so why it was surprise to him I am not sure, but it was. And I deeply regret that it was a surprise for him – because no one deserves that. But I still don’t understand why it didn’t register for him before I said “I’m done”…

  15. Kimberly
    July 5th, 2011 @ 12:41 pm

    Once again, I find myself thinking I could have written this post, nearly word-for-word, a year ago. I knew my H and I weren’t in a great place (or that HE wasn’t….) for a few months, but we never fought, and I never for one second thought our marriage was in jeopardy. There were “I love yous” and kisses good bye the week before his “I’m Done” speech, when I was 10 weeks pregnant with #2.

    I want you to know that I have walked in your shoes along this path. I didn’t even get to escape him to the extent you have because we have 50/50 physical custody of our boys and I have to see him nearly every day. And hear my son tell me about all the fun things he did with daddy and his girlfriend (my former friend).

    But the healing comes… sure as the sun, one day you’ll find yourself thinking less and less about the good times and becoming thankful for the fact that HE pulled the plug when you wouldn’t have… content to live with mediocrity because of those vows you took. You deserve so much more than mediocrity, as did I – and it took him unplugging, and me grieving, to see it.

    I’m 15 months out from the “I’m done,” from the shattering of my heart, my family, my world…. and at this moment, I am happier than I have EVER been in my life. The long, broken road through my marriage and divorce has led me to a relationship that is EVERYTHING I ever wanted, but never thought possible. I am thankful every moment of every day. Keep the faith, stay focused on the future, process and put to bed the past and you will come out on the other side of this singing… and thanking your ex for making this decision for you.

    HUGS and all the best to you… keep blogging… I love to read your beautiful posts!
    Kimberly

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