Splitting the Seam

Posted on | July 7, 2011 | 11 Comments

Had you asked me six months ago if I thought I was a smart girl, I would have told you no but I would have meant yes.  I would have rolled my eyes a little, maybe.  I would have probably made a smart aleck comment about how I was educated but not smart… but deep down, I’ve always considered myself to be fairly intelligent.

But when it comes to matters of the heart,  I am not nearly smart enough.

See, when it was all sort of said and done, I think deep down I still believed he’d change his mind.  And when we spoke last week and he made sweet and endearing comments over text message and told me the things he thought went wrong and the things that could be fixed, I thought we were moving towards fixing things.  I thought that was the only explanation.  Why else would he ask me the questions he asked? Why else would he say the things he said? And all weekend long, I was conflicted.

I thought about whether it made sense to take him back.

I thought about what it would mean to have him living here, in this house.

I thought about what it would mean if he wanted to start over and make it work this time.

I thought about it until I got sick to my stomach over whether I was ready to make the decision to either start again or solidify the break. And ultimately, I worried because I loved him.  I worried because I was afraid he would come back and then he would hurt me again.  I worried because I knew I would take him back.

And then today, an email.  Short. Simple. To the point.  He never had any intention of getting back together. He never wanted to come back home.  He never wanted to change.

It seems he was just exploring what went wrong.

It seems he was waxing nostalgic on our marriage.

It seems he was, for lack of a better word, simply effing with me.

And I, the career intelligent, let him do it.  I fell for it… hook, line, and sinker.  So much so that when he emailed me today, it hurt like ripping off a not-quite healed scab. It was a kick to the stomach.  It was a swift straight leg to the back of my knees and I found myself, once more, floor bound and full of grief.  He broke me again.  He cracked the unhealed bone.  He tore the scab from my heart and made me bleed out again, all over my new life I was building.  All over my new smiles I was faking.  He ripped me open and showed me for the fraud I was so scared I was.

But this time?

This time I will heal stronger.

This time it will take more than a tug to split the seam.

This time… this time I will be smarter.  I will be stronger.

I will be different.

I will stop feeling that familiar tug on my heart when I hear his voice.  I will stop pulling up his songs and listening to them late at night after J goes to bed.  I will stop imagining what it would be like to have him home.   Somehow, I will stop loving him.

And then he can’t hurt me any more.

Comments

11 Responses to “Splitting the Seam”

  1. Jana A
    July 7th, 2011 @ 9:14 pm

    Oh how I wish I COULD take you up on that glass of wine tonight. Sounds like a good night to toast… to New (again) beginnings.

  2. KathyT
    July 7th, 2011 @ 9:28 pm

    Oh how I remember this!
    He didn’t want me to heal faster than he was. He didn’t want me to get stronger. He didn’t want me to move on.
    See, the stronger I got, the more he realized just how much he had f**ked up. So, instead of really trying to get back together and make our marriage and family work, he f**ked with me.
    He toyed with me like a cat with a mouse. It bugged the shite out of him that I was able to move on. It pissed him off that I became stronger, more sure, more independant.
    It really pissed him off that I figured out how to be a “single” mom without crumpling under the pressure and begging him for help.

    What really pissed him off the most was that I could, in fact, live without him.
    So, he played the one card he knew he had left…reconciliation.
    He knew, because of me, that I wanted my life back. Our life. Our family. Our marriage.
    So I let him string me along.

    Then, one day, I told him no. He actually asked me if I thought we could get back together. I told him no.
    How could I be in love with someone I don’t trust? How could I marry someone I am not in love with?

    Two days later, his girlfriend…yes, the one he had denied having for a year!..had moved back in with him.
    Such sincerity makes you curdle, doesn’t it?

    Bottom line: he does not want/cannot allow you to “get over” this faster or better than he does.

    This time, kick him to the curb first.
    I’m lifting a glass of deep, red California zinfandel in your honor.
    cheers.

  3. molly
    July 7th, 2011 @ 10:30 pm

    Meh, I always took all the a-holes back who effed with me (granted they weren’t marriages so not the same). But I don’t think it meant I wasn’t smart. I think it just meant that I wanted to be loved back. Desperately. I didn’t want to be alone. It was too scary. Because then I would have to get to know myself. And at the time, I wasn’t sure I wanted to know myself. I didn’t even like myself then!

    You will stop loving him. And maybe, just maybe, when enough time passes and you find true love you will realize that you never really loved him at all. Just the idea of love. The idea of never having to be alone again. Because that, my friend, is a nice notion. But he is NOT enough for you. I can tell you that right now.

    You deserve so much more than being emotionally tormented.

  4. KristinaYellow
    July 7th, 2011 @ 11:25 pm

    I am so hurt for you. And I can only do my best to think that he may have been hurting too and that’s why he would do something so nasty. You are right-you will get stronger and you will move on. This will be a distant memory sometime-one that you will look at as a defining moment. And you will be happy, loved, and confident along with a wonderfully happy and loved little boy. I wish I could drink some wine with you-either way, I’m there in spirit.

  5. Cindy
    July 8th, 2011 @ 12:16 am

    Don’t you DARE forget all the progress you have made…you go back and read your last post about how wonderful J is and the incredible job you are doing creating a new life for the two of you. Do not let him steal your joy…

  6. Bill
    July 8th, 2011 @ 9:10 am

    It doesn’t seem fair that he thinks he can wax nostalgic about your marriage while it’s still so ripe and painful for you.

    I’ve really got no idea about the emotions you must be going through, but I’m sorry that you have to endure them.

  7. KLZ
    July 8th, 2011 @ 10:30 am

    Invitation to escape to Chicago is always open.

  8. Janet
    July 8th, 2011 @ 10:32 am

    When someone knows your secrets they can be so cruel. You are smart and you realized what he was doing. You agonized over a decision, weighed it and made some choices in your head and heart. You’d do this over any hard choice you had to make. You are healing, you are normal (divorce normal) and he’s just not important anymore. Keep you head up high, keep your focus and don’t keep shedding tears over someone who doesn’t shed them for you. You deserve better.

  9. krlr
    July 8th, 2011 @ 2:11 pm

    Yeesh. That, my friend, is a seriously eff’d up conversation. Clearly deserving of a pedicure, or a second glass of wine. Or both.

  10. MamaBHive
    July 8th, 2011 @ 2:41 pm

    Time to set up boundaries. Communication is to happen on your terms only. Take the reins in your hands and move on!

    If it were me in your place I would put my foot down today, and insist on (for the time being) no communication unless it is directly related to J. You can let him know when you are ready to move into the friendly zone.

    When we went to marriage counseling (I was 5 months preggers) the therapist said something to me that I think of every time I want to walk away from my marriage.

    “Whatever you decide to do with your Marriage, remember that you will always be connected through your child. Because of this connection, you will still have to have A relationship. It is up to you to decide what that will be.”

    I think this can help all parents no matter what stage their relationship is in. Helps to keep the goal in sight, and not get under-towed by the crap on the surface.

    Peace.

    oh – wait. Here, wanted to share this with you for later (but later I will forget, so save it):

    http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

    and

    http://www.brenebrown.com/books

  11. Abigail
    July 8th, 2011 @ 4:54 pm

    Sounds like technology has moved faster than your boundaries! I think I read here that you had limited him to one phone call a week. Good move. Good boundary.

    That would have worked out well for you except for the backdoors of text & email and I-hope-to-goodness-you-are-not-Facebook-friends and whatever other technology is out there.

    So… ‘just’ let him know that you do not want texts unless they are about your son or emails or…

    Maybe he really is trying to figure something out. That is almost admirable, but he needs to do it in his own space – you cannot afford to have him do it on your time or your dime or your heart.

    I think many people dither even when they have been the one to leave. But he is only dithering, not really reconsidering and the cost is too high to you to have him ‘work through it’ anywhere near you.

    ‘They’ say that love works through the same nervous system as heavy drug addiction. So of course you are going to respond whenever the fix comes near. Stay as far away from the fix as you can, and control its access to you.

    Good Luck! You WILL get through this.

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