Posted on | July 19, 2011 | 26 Comments
My ex has been emailing. And texting. And sometimes calling.
The current topic of conversation hovers just shy of “I made a mistake, please take me back.” He says things like “I wish I could come spend the weekend in Macon and help you with yard work” and “You’re still the person I want to talk to at the end of the day.”
And it is so very hard for me because I am a broken woman. Before I was broken, I would have tossed my hair and laughed and thought “too bad, sucker!” Before I was broken, I would have ignored, deleted, and neverminded all his words and semi-promises.
Now I am struggling. Because this is the man I loved. This is the man who gave me my son, the best thing in the world. This is the man I swore to be there for through better and through worse. This is the man… my man… the person who was supposed to be there forever. How do I not let him back in? How do I not see if it works this time?
And then this morning, I had a long talk with one of my best friends. And she put it in the simplest terms for me.
“You are like an alcoholic. And when an alcoholic wants to have a drink, they call their sponsor. Let me be your sponsor in this.”
That makes sense.
That I can understand.
I am addicted to a man who hurts me. I am addicted to a life that is damaging to my self esteem and to my well being. I am addicted to a person who is no good for me. I crave something that can only ruin me and when I give in to it, I lose control and lose focus and lose all semblance of me.
If acceptance is the first step on this path, then let me strap on my ruby slippers and skip on towards the Emerald City. I have a sponsor, now. I have someone to call when the craving comes on. I have a voice on the other end of the phone, ready to dole out tough love and blend it sweetly with emotional support.
It’s not going to be easy. It’s hard to quit something so habit forming. But it is not healthy for me or my son.
My name is Law Momma… and I am an addict.