Posted on | July 20, 2011 | 18 Comments
My son has reactive airway disease.
This is a nice way of saying he probably has asthma but they don’t want to put it on his chart in case, by some miracle, he out grows it. This “diagnosis” has several fun side effects: (1) the rate for insurance on J alone is astronomical thanks to several emergency room visits; (2) I constantly miss work; and (3) The majority of my “spending money” for the month goes to Dr. Bob and his $35 co-pay.
I don’t quite know what to do about it, to be honest. I know that I should find a go-to nanny/babysitter who can step in at the last minute to keep J when he’s too sick for daycare. I know that I should let someone help me take care of him so that I can be at work and be attentive to the cases and clients who are depending on me.
I know all of that.
But what I don’t know is how to explain to J that those clients and their needs are more important than him and his needs. When he is sick, he wants me there. He doesn’t want to go to daycare. He doesn’t want to have a babysitter… he wants me. He wants to snuggle next to me on the sofa, tucking his blond curls into the crook of my arm. He wants to have me read him chapters of Winnie the Pooh and Charlotte’s Web.
And to be honest? I want to be here, too. I don’t want to be in my office, handling phone calls and emails and writing briefs. I want to be here, snuggled on the sofa with my son, telling him stories and sharing warm chocolate chip cookies as a “treat” for being sick.
I don’t want to lose my job. I think I’m a damn good attorney and I think I’m a better mother as a working mother than I would be as a stay at home mom. I want to work… just not when he needs me. And I don’t know how to make all of this work with the type of work I do. I am at my wits end.
My son needs me.
My job needs me.
And I am stuck in the middle, not knowing the right answer for anything.