Re-Writing the Stories

Posted on | August 1, 2011 | 9 Comments

When I was a high school senior, I would walk around thinking “This is the last first day of school as a high school student” or later “this is my last Monday in high school.” It somehow made the time fly by a little faster, breaking it up into intervals of final firsts.  In 2007, in the midst of my madness year, I remember thinking “this is my last month as a law school student,” and “this is my last month of bar prep” and then “this is my last Saturday as a single woman.” And pregnancy was more of the same… always looking forward to the next adventure, always counting down the days remaining in the current one.

Today, as I busied myself with the day to day tasks of work and motherhood, the thought occurred to me that this is the last first day of any month that I will ever be Mrs. Ex-Husband.  And with that thought a cloud of longing, loneliness, and irrepressible sadness fell upon my heart and my day with strangling accuracy.  I will be divorced in eleven days.

And I am indescribably lonely.

I have wonderful friends, I do.  I have a glorious son and parents and siblings who love me dearly.  But nothing compares the the feeling of coming home after a long day and falling into your partner’s embrace.  Nothing quite matches up to the angst emptying feeling of pouring your heart and soul out to someone who swore to love you for better or worse.  Nothing feels quite as right.  Nothing feels quite the same.

I leave work and often find myself staring at the face of my phone, wondering who I should bother today with my stories.  I scroll down the list of contacts and wonder who will not be bored or annoyed or too busy to hear about my day.  Most of the time, I turn it off again and just drive on to get J. I take a deep breath… there is no one there to listen any longer.

When I come home, I cook dinner for J and myself.  I watch J play in the bathtub and then we read books or watch Mickey Mouse on Demand.  Sometimes I blog.  Sometimes I write.  Sometimes I sit and stare blankly at the television and wonder if the only thing that will ever change in my life from here on out is the station I’m forced to watch on television.

It is so lonely.

It is so hard.

I cry more often than I’d like to admit.

I throw up my hands and wonder why this is happening, daily.

I think about what it would be like to just go back, to just start over, to just try again.  I wonder if I can love him enough for the both of us.  I wonder if I can just put up with the hurt and the sadness and the disappointment of my marriage for the sake of having him here, to listen, to hold, to love.

And then I remember that no matter how many times I pucker up, and no matter how much I hope for a prince, a frog will always and only be a frog.  There is no truth in fairy tales.  There are no dwarfs to save me from myself.  There is no fairy godmother.

It is lonely here in the real world.

This is my last first day of the month as a married woman.  This is my last first day of the month believing that my ex-husband could be my one true love.  This is my last day believing in fairy tales.

Maybe it’s time to start re-writing those stories, anyway.

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Comments

  • http://janasthinkingplace.com Jana A

    This makes my heart break into a thousand pieces. You can call me and tell me your stories. Heck, I probably know some of the people in them. For what it’s worth, I don’t believe in fairy tales anymore either… I hope (think) it will get better for you soon, dear. xoxo

  • http://faciesramblings.blogspot.com/ facie

    I wish I had a pearl of wisdom for you, but I don’t. Just know I am thinking about you and hoping it gets better. Keep swimming. Keep swimming. Keep swimming.

  • Janet

    I’m so sorry that you are going through this pain. I know all to well the having no one to talk to about the “stuff” in your world. Making happy faces, happy talk and trying to just make it through one more day. It will get better. These trials are making you stronger, more whole and more complete. You are a woman of firsts! There will be the first time you didn’t cry when you saw him, the first time you heard a song and didn’t remember, the first time you fixed the car, toilet, lawnmower and realized you are “complete alone” and not “completely alone”. Then you will be ready for whatever life offers even fairy tales. Stay strong.

  • http://krlr-trialrun.blogspot.com krlr

    Oh honey (can I say that with affection & without sounding patronizing? I hope so)… we’re all here to listen to your stories. Maybe not by phone, because you don’t know me IRL & that might be wierd, but we’re right here at the other end of the cable optic wires to remind you that frogs carry salmonella. And princes tend toward narcissism.

  • Maria

    Take time to mourn the loss of your marriage. When you’re ready to move on do it with all your heart and soul. This is your chance to do it over and have everything that you deserve. And you do always have someone to “listen” to your stories…we’re all right here…ready to cry with you, laugh with you and “listen”.

  • http://planbeach.wordpress.com/ beachmum

    I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I am so sorry. Change can be terrifying and lonely and enormously sad. I won’t try to point out anything positive, because maybe you just need time to be sad and to readjust. There were times (before I was married) I was so lonely I thought I would die. Not that I needed a guy to make me whole, but just to have someone there, as you described in your post.

    I know there are a lot of people who wish we could make it better for you. It’s very cliche to say ‘one day at a time’ but maybe it’s what’s needed?

    I read an interesting quote today. It said “Everyone you meet is afraid of something, has lost something and has loved/loves something”. How true.

    I hope you begin to feel better soon. *hugs*

  • Cindy

    I couldn’t say it any better than Janet did. Time for a change in perspective….

  • Erica Snipes

    Hi there :). You have gotten some wonderful comments here, and I am only here to offer my support and encouragement. It is is my honor and enjoyment to follow this blog of yours, and offer meager comments from time to time, and hope that you feel supported and raised up by the people that find you here on this forum. You are doing a great job with J., at work, and with all of the interesting things that happen on the homefront. Just keep swimming, and…by the way, those fairy tales? Just a bunch of crap to keep women in a certain mindset and behavior anyway. Ignore ‘em as best you can, and keep on doing the best you can knowing that you are AWESOME! :)

  • http://www.ninjapanza.com Sara

    I want to say something but don’t know where to begin. I suppose I’ll just latch on to that last line… re-write the story. The last day of something is the first day of something else, right? It may not be exactly what you thought or hoped it would be, but it’s the begining of something, and that something can be a good thing if you hope, want, try, apply, make it that way.

  • Creative Commons License
    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at http://www.law-momma.com.



  • I'm a divorced, single mom to a pre-schooler, a full-time attorney, and a semi-reluctant vegetarian. I work hard and when given the chance, I play hard... but I'm almost never given the chance.

    I think fart jokes are funny, I'm pretty sure magic is real, and my life long dream is to buy a farm and write a novel while watching horses run around at a respectable distance. (Because horses are scary up close. Seriously.)

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