Empty.

Posted on | August 3, 2011 | 11 Comments

Every time I sit down to write, the only words that come out of my fingers and onto the keys are…

Divorce.

Broken.

Hurt.

Alone.

Afraid.

And I start to think, start to wonder if maybe I talk too much, write too much, and think too much about him and the space he left behind.  I feel a bit like a broken record: “he left. he doesn’t love me. I am hurt. I am broken. I am sad. WoeWoeWoeWoe is me.”

I hear my thoughts and they sound disjointed, fractured from the me I ought to be, the me I used to be, and the me I want to be. I feel disjointed and fractured.  I feel scared and alone.  I feel like I am throwing my voice out into a black hole, wishing something or someone would come bouncing back at me… and nothing, no one ever does.

I want to say something else.  I want to write something else.  I want to feel something else.

But there are no other words. My vocabulary has been stripped away.  My heart has been splayed open and laid out for public consumption and I have been found lacking.  I have found myself lacking.

There is nothing new to say.

There is nothing new to write.

There is nothing left inside me.

Comments

11 Responses to “Empty.”

  1. Erica Snipes
    August 3rd, 2011 @ 10:37 pm

    I wish you friends, hope, and the love of your little boy to fill up the empty that you are currently feeling. You are more than your current situation, more than the broken, more than the divorce, more than the empty. You are a friend, mother, attorney, daughter, woman…human. Take a deep breath, allow yourself to feel every emotion, but do not allow yourself to become those emotions. People and situations can only make us feel inferior if we allow them to.

  2. Kinnison
    August 3rd, 2011 @ 11:16 pm

    This is just part of the grieving process. You are moving through it, so just stay strong and repeat: “This, too, shall pass.” (you’ll want to remember that phrase during potty training, the Terrible THREEs, preschool…….) 😉

  3. Janet
    August 3rd, 2011 @ 11:30 pm

    Give yourself some credit for your strength. The papers are recently signed. You haven’t had a chance to regroup but you are raising a son, working, fixing a house to be yours. Divorce, broken, hurt, alone and afraid- yes. Newly single, renewing, growing stronger, embracing J and a bunch of friends even via internet and afraid- we all are all the time. You are a wonderful, caring, committed woman and have no idea how many people you help with your very talented writing. You may feel the words are gone, you may need days to grieve, days to just try to be normal. Take the time you need to find youself again. You don’t have to spill your heart for us to know what you are going through and how hard it is to endure. I’m praying for you and J today just like I do everyday.

  4. KristinaYellow
    August 4th, 2011 @ 7:56 am

    I wish I had the words to help you heal-but know that others are thinking of you and sending you lots of strength and hugs. Know that you aren’t empty-you aren’t broken-you aren’t alone. You have J and your family and your friends and all of us readers-you are a strong, intelligent, smart and loved person. This is a blip that you will move past and you will look back at this and smile one day. HUGS

  5. Emily
    August 4th, 2011 @ 8:38 am

    I just wanted to give you a big virtual hug this morning. I’m grieving the loss of a 5 year relationship myself, and I know where you are coming from. One day you’re up, and the next you’re down so low you can’t even see the light anymore. I think it’s so wonderful that you have the ability to come here and share your feelings with all of us – you totally rock. And even if you may feel alone day in and day out, you only have to turn to your blog to find hundreds of friends, all waiting to read your next post. You have a real gift with words – that’s something else he can’t take. Don’t let him break your spirit!

    And one day soon (if it hasn’t already happened), you’ll realize that while, yes, he did break you into a million little pieces… you’ll realize that you like the way you put those pieces back together, to form a new you, infinitely more than you liked the old one. Simply because you’ll have new wisdom, strength, and courage with which to face the world. And him…? He’ll only have regrets.

  6. Hillary (BanksieU2)
    August 4th, 2011 @ 8:55 am

    I don’t think you write about it too much. Everything you write about it is important and meaningful.
    Also I think this will really help others who go through the same thing after you.

  7. krlr
    August 4th, 2011 @ 9:31 am

    Big hug.

    And 2 words: Catered Party.

    …ok, actually 7: Catered Party With Ballons and New Shoes.

    Balloons & new shoes are scientifically proven to raise endorphin levels.

    (Is that annoying? I know a party won’t fix it, just trying for a smile).

  8. Dre
    August 4th, 2011 @ 11:26 am

    You keep putting those words out there. You don’t wan’t them to come back, you just want them to get out of you so that the empty feeling slowly starts to fill up with the good stuff in life. It may be hard to tell now, but little man, and the single successes are quietly lining the hole you feel inside. Everyone is different, but eventually you will start to feel the layers of good feelings building up. This is your place to let the bad out so you can welcome the good. Sending virtual hugs and love.

  9. Rachel D
    August 4th, 2011 @ 11:48 am

    Hang in there, some days will be harder than others and we are here to listen.

  10. facie
    August 4th, 2011 @ 3:04 pm

    I think if you felt this way years and years from now, then maybe it is too much (but even then, who am I to say). For whatever it is worth, you seem to love/have loved your husband far more than so many currently married people do. That is why it hurts so much, I imagine. Give yourself time to heal. And keep swimming.

  11. Heather
    August 4th, 2011 @ 5:26 pm

    You don’t write for us, you write for you. If it helps you, keep doing it. You don’t owe us anything.

    *hugs*

    Once things are official, hopefully you can get to the point where you don’t think about it every second of every day anymore. You’ll turn the corner, but it’s hard when it’s in your face all the time.

    Sorry if *we* sound like a broken record telling you it will get better. ’cause it will

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