Posted on | August 31, 2011 | 12 Comments

There’s a moment in my day, every day, when I look for my husband.

The moment varies; sometimes it’s in the morning when I wake up, sometimes it’s in the evening when I get home from work.  Some days I think I hear his voice, singing from the shower and on some days I think I catch a glimpse of him in the mirror behind me.

Being divorced and living in the house we lived in together is so hard.  I have painted the walls and swapped the bedrooms.  I have changed bathrooms and rearranged the furniture.  I have done everything I know to do to make this my space… separate from him… but still he appears.

I shouldn’t be surprised, it’s only been four months since he was a part of our lives.  It’s been just over a year since we were both here together in this house. He is still everywhere… on the other end of the phone, on Skype, on text, on voice mail and email, and even in the smile of our son.  He is still so very much a part of our lives.  I wish I could say that it’s getting easier.  I wish I could say that I don’t still have moments where I want to call him and beg him to come home and to start everything over again.

I wish I could say that I’m getting closer to being okay.

But I am not quite past the moments that come full speed at my heart, screaming at me to call and beg him to come home.  I am just not over him.  Not yet.  Not today.

Divorce doesn’t come with any sort of life-back guarantee, does it? It doesn’t magically make anything any better or easier or different. My heart wasn’t magically restored by the sweeping signature of an unknown judge.  No… my heart was not restored. My heart is still broken.

I still miss my husband.  I still want him to miss me and J and the life we had together.

I still mourn the loss of what I thought we had.

And when I think I see his reflection in the mirror over my shoulder, my heart still skips a beat, my skin still catches alight, and my soul still yearns for the life I wanted with him.  When a shadow passes behind me, just a shadow in the corner of my heart, I freeze, my eyes close, and I hold my breath… waiting for the touch that never comes.


12 Responses to “Untitled”

  1. molly
    August 31st, 2011 @ 11:42 pm

    Just get it all out, hon. I know it hurts to live this and it hurts to write it. But it’s such a good outlet. Purge, girl. PURGE these thoughts.

  2. Anonymous
    September 1st, 2011 @ 12:14 am

    Sometimes I feel like a broken record… but you’re right. It’s a good outlet.

  3. Mindy
    September 1st, 2011 @ 1:45 am

    You are so raw and honest it takes my breath away. Hold tight, it gets better.

  4. Joel
    September 1st, 2011 @ 2:02 am

    lots of tears now. I dont know what else to say.

  5. Carm
    September 1st, 2011 @ 2:05 am

    Your love for him is so big. You deserve big love back. Someday that big love will find you. You deserve it. 🙂

  6. Heather Griffitts Clark
    September 1st, 2011 @ 2:46 am

    Aww honey….::::hugs:::: What you’re going through is rough, rough, rough and will take time. Be gentle with yourself in the meantime.

  7. susan
    September 1st, 2011 @ 11:57 am

    My husband walked out on me and our 2 small kids 8 months ago and I can so relate to your blog. I’m still living in our marital home and always have moments like this when I forget he’s gone and will feel like he’s still in the house. Praying it gets easier for both of us.

  8. Anonymous
    September 1st, 2011 @ 1:02 pm

    Sending you love today, Susan. It’s so hard.

  9. Emily
    September 1st, 2011 @ 1:50 pm

    You don’t sound like a broken record at all. After the many years you shared, you have every right to grieve for as long as it takes you. Do what works for you 🙂

    Found a quote on pinterest that hit home with me:

    “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” – Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

    Anyone who reads your blog knows that you are a beautiful woman – keep trucking girl. Every day you get stronger!

  10. Lola
    September 1st, 2011 @ 3:37 pm


  11. Sara
    September 1st, 2011 @ 5:03 pm

    just wanted to share that my heart is aching with you now. i’m sorry that stuff has to suck.

  12. WeeMasonMan's Mom
    September 2nd, 2011 @ 3:46 pm

    This just made my eyes well up with tears. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this and that it so hard. Life would be so much easier if we were all granted a magic wand to make feelings come or go on command *sigh* Sending you lots of hugs.

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