Fire Alarms, Snakes, and Horse Heads in the Bed

Posted on | September 22, 2011 | 10 Comments

There was a dead snake on the driveway in front of my back door yesterday when I got home from work.

But perhaps I should rewind, because the strangeness of my day actually started around 2:30 when the receptionist at my office buzzed me to let me know J’s daycare was on the phone. This produces all types of heart palpitations until I hear “Everyone is fine…” which they say straight off.  So that’s good and then she launches into the reason she called.

It seems that my two year old was lining up with his classmates to go out on the playground.  I don’t know what was going through his mind, but his teacher tells me the world went into slow motion as she reached for him saying “Noooooo, J, nooooooo.”  And then she heard one click, and then a second click, and then….

Loud. Noises. Everywhere.

I thought I had a few years before I had to worry about delinquent activity, but it seems my two-year old has already discovered how to pull the fire alarm.  The noise began and he hit the floor in a panic, eyes wide as saucers.  Apparently some of the children in his class who don’t have a lot of words, spent the remainder of the day pointing at J and making very loud, repetitive sounds to indicate what he had done.  

So I went to daycare to pick up my little delinquent after school.  He was still a little scarred by the whole event and when I joked about it, he got this glazed over look like he stuck his face in the pensieve.  I’m pretty sure I can’t mention fire, fire alarms, loud noises OR the color red for a few more weeks.

Then we got home and I got J out of the car and started inside only to see it… a dead snake.  On my driveway.  Covered with carnivorous ants.  (Side note, seriously? SERIOUSLY? Ants are carnivorous? This actually frightens me more than I can express.  So now I have a phobia of not just snakes but also of being eaten alive by a swarm of carnivorous ants).  I should probably explain that the snake, if it had been stretched out, could not have been more than 6 inches long… not that it matters. It’s a snake.  It’s something that can move very fast, outside of water, without legs.  That’s just unnatural and terrifying.  You just shouldn’t be able to move that fast without legs, wings or wheels and anything that does, outside of water, is repulsively horrific. 

I have an intense fear of snakes. Like crazy fear.  So when I see this horrible six inch monster curled up on the concrete, covered by… you know, flesh eating ants… I let loose what can only be described as a horse head in the bed kind of scream.

You know, because my child wasn’t traumatized already by the fire alarm.  I scooped up J and did an Olympic hurdler type jump to clear the area and then locked us both inside.  I didn’t even let AJ out to go to the bathroom because, hello? SNAKE ON THE DRIVEWAY! (Plus also ants. Flesh eating ants)

I spent the remainder of the evening convincing my brother to dispose of the body.  The conversation in our house went a bit like this:

E: It’s six inches of dead giant worm.

Me: If there’s one, there may be more.  They could come to visit the body… there could be an entire snake wake in front of the door in a matter of minutes!

E: You have serious issues.

Me: PLEASE! I am begging you! Otherwise I can’t go to work tomorrow because I CAN NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE.

E: Fine. But I’m not touching it without a shovel. It’s dead. (Side note, this was good b/c had he touched it without a shovel, he would have had to move out immediately. I can’t have that kind of nasty bad snake mojo living in the house.)

Jump forward a few minutes and my brother comes back in the house and tells me that he has disposed of the body not in the trash can as I requested, but by throwing it’s disgusting, monster body, riddled with ants over into the neighbor’s yard.

Smart guy.

Now the snakes will think my neighbors did it… as long as they don’t read this.


10 Responses to “Fire Alarms, Snakes, and Horse Heads in the Bed”

  1. ChiMomWriter
    September 22nd, 2011 @ 1:05 pm

    I think that kind of reaction is completely warranted.

    And now, knowing those kinds of ants are out there, I will spend my day sitting with my face pressed up against the window in the living room. Cuz I ain’t going out there!

  2. Anthony from CharismaticKid
    September 22nd, 2011 @ 3:06 pm

    Great now you just made my night terrors even more horrible with the carnivorous ants.

    But then agian… imagine what ants have to deal with EVERY SINGLE DAY.

  3. Lola M.
    September 22nd, 2011 @ 3:28 pm

    That sounds like a two-glasses-of-wine kind of day…

  4. MaconMom
    September 22nd, 2011 @ 3:36 pm

    I share your fear of snakes. I know it’s irrational but I can’t shake it. They simply freak me out completely.

    I’m so sorry your J had a traumatic day! I hope today is free from any traumatic event for you guys.

    Ants… added to my freaky animal list.

  5. Brigitte Munsterman
    September 22nd, 2011 @ 3:51 pm

    I’m with you on the snake thing … I hate them, always have. Funny story about the fire alarm, in HS during one of my choir concerts, 2 of my younger brothers went to the bathroom … then decided it would be fun to pull the alarm. My band director bolted out & caught them running away. OMG my parents & I were so embarassed! Hopefully J will be ok soon. Luckily you had your brother to dispose of the snake carcass … eewwwww!

  6. Kir
    September 22nd, 2011 @ 4:53 pm

    and you still made me giggle.

    sooooo that was SOME DAY huh? Fire Alarms and snakes…I hate both. Your description of how you hate snakes is EXACTLY the way I feel. I hate them, you’re right never trust anything without legs that can move like that. EWWWW.

    I do hope that today is a better day and that your son is good and scared of the fire alarms now. 😉

  7. Taming Insanity
    September 22nd, 2011 @ 6:08 pm

    You have to be careful. I’m secretly positive that snakes can read.

    I’m not really joking. I don’t trust those mofos one bit.

  8. Heather Griffitts Clark
    September 22nd, 2011 @ 6:42 pm

    I am literally laughiont out loud (but quietly, I”m at work!)….while it was a bizarre day, some day you’ll look back at this one and laugh. Hang in there, mama!

  9. Mary Lopez
    September 23rd, 2011 @ 6:40 am

    Nice post….i like it

    Check out this link: First Alert SC9120B

  10. Wiz
    September 23rd, 2011 @ 9:38 pm

    My two year old is a deliquint too! While staying with his grandparents, he dialed 911 while playing with their phone. Aaaand the police showed up. I am a new follower. Love your blog!

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