Chasing a Rainbow

Posted on | September 30, 2011 | 17 Comments

This has been one of those weeks where nothing seems to go right. Granted, it’s Friday and we made it this far, but it has just been a week where everything has gone wrong. 

On top of all my petty, insignificant problems, I have this friend… this stunningly gorgeous inside and out friend.  She’s hilarious; sometimes her texts actually make me snort out loud.  She has a beautiful daughter and a loving husband, and a heart made entirely out of gold.  And this week, my friend had to return to the doctor for a set of scans to see if the cancer she’s been fighting is rearing it’s ugly head again.  The scans were inconclusive.  So it seems that my friend has to wait even longer before hearing the news that every mother needs to hear… that she is free to live her life, to watch her daughter grow and learn, to dance at the wedding of her daughter and my son.  (It’s on.  It’s happening. They have no choice.)

And yesterday when I got that news, when I found out that her news was inconclusive, I wanted to throw knives at the wall.  I wanted to scream and yell and shake my fist at God.  I wanted to make a deal with Him, to promise to shoulder any future cancer headed her way so that we could share the fight.  My body might be better able to handle a fight on her behalf.  My heart wanted to explode with the sheer weight of the unfairness. I just want to make things right for her.

We joked earlier this week that we were both in need of some rainbows.  The sky has been cloudy for entirely too long.  My email inbox is overflowing with heartache from readers and friends, several who are facing divorce, several who are fighting cancer, several who are just fighting with life.  There is a famine in Somalia and millions of people are in the process of slowly starving to death. It seems that every where I turn, someone is breaking down, someone is aching, someone is crying out for something.  Young women are being beheaded and mutilated in Syria.  People… children… are dying all over the world.  And my heart that has grown six sizes since the birth of J, has shattered over and over again at the tales of heartache I have heard.  I do not like to sit idly by.  I do not like this aching helplessness.

If I stop to think, I find myself knee deep in tears, wading through devastation and trying desperately to find a way to fix any of it… to fix anything… to fix something. 

It’s dark.

It’s windy.

I haven’t seen real sunlight in far too long.

The rains have been intense.  They have pounded against my soul and drowned my cries.  They have soaked me to the core.

I’m in need of a reminder that all of this is temporary.  I’m in need of a promise that at the end of heartache, there is beauty.  I’m in need of a colorful miracle, spanning my mind’s eye, arching over and through the cracks in my heart.

I am in need of a rainbow.

So in the meantime, until the sun peaks through the clouds, I am making my own rainbows.  I am hanging prisms around my heart, I am stretching out my arms as wide as I can and painting wide, spans of color around my world.  I can not fix all that is wrong.  I can not single-handedly right the world, right the wrongs, or mend the breaks… but what I can do is put on my raincoat, slide into my rain boots, and splash my way through the best I can.  I can not fix what is wrong… but I can be a small sliver of sunlight, even when it feels as though I am doing nothing.  I can be a smile, or a dollar, or a helping hand, even if it’s just to one person.  Even if I don’t know the person.  Even if I don’t know it helped.

And maybe, just maybe… one day, my small little light will reflect a rainbow for someone else.

Comments

17 Responses to “Chasing a Rainbow”

  1. Kathleen
    September 30th, 2011 @ 9:43 am

    ok… wiping tears from my eyes. It’s easy to get so swallowed up in self-pity and then let it swirl out of control thinking all is for not…

    This… will be printed out and posted for me to read everyday… what a great mantra! Thank you!

    “So in the meantime, until the sun peaks through the clouds, I am making my own rainbows. I am hanging prisms around my heart, I am stretching out my arms as wide as I can and painting wide, spans of color around my world. I can not fix all that is wrong. I can not single-handedly right the world, right the wrongs, or mend the breaks… but what I can do is put on my raincoat, slide into my rain boots, and splash my way through the best I can. I can not fix what is wrong… but I can be a small sliver of sunlight, even when it feels as though I am doing nothing. I can be a smile, or a dollar, or a helping hand, even if it’s just to one person. Even if I don’t know the person. Even if I don’t know it helped.”

    And maybe, just maybe… one day, my small little light will reflect a rainbow for someone else.

    Your words will make me see the rainbow, even if I will never find it. Although, there are bits and pieces of a rainbow all around us. We have to remember to see it. Our children, our friends, family…

    thank you,
    kathleen

  2. CaitlinM
    September 30th, 2011 @ 10:28 am

    It is rough times out there for a lot of us. Hugs. You deserve some sunshine. I miss you xoxo

  3. Anonymous
    September 30th, 2011 @ 1:30 pm

    I miss you, too! Must plan a trip to Charlotte soon for so many reasons… you among them!

  4. CaitlinM
    October 2nd, 2011 @ 7:37 pm

    Awwwwww. We are in CO now. Moved out here for husband’s job promotion over the summer!

  5. Jemillie
    September 30th, 2011 @ 11:11 am

    Beautiful post! And remember the saying: “This too shall pass”.

  6. Taming Insanity
    September 30th, 2011 @ 11:18 am

    4 men walk into a bar.

    The fifth one ducks.

    Not rainbowy enough? I’ll work on my stand up. Promise.

  7. Anonymous
    September 30th, 2011 @ 11:25 am

    I love you.

  8. Chunky Mama
    September 30th, 2011 @ 11:50 am

    Brought tears to my eyes this AM.

  9. Kristinayellow
    September 30th, 2011 @ 1:11 pm

    You are a rainbow–your light is helping so many. Your words and raw emotions have allowed so many people to feel like they aren’t alone, that they aren’t “wrong” or drowning. You being here, in this space, have shown others that you are a strong person and even amid all uncertainty and pain, you are still a fierce and amazing Momma, which is what most of us strive to be. It’s so much easier to look around you for rainbows but honestly, you just can’t see how bright you are. I’m sorry that your friend is going through this-and I’m sorry that I’m not closer (and that I don’t actually know you in real life) to say this in person.

  10. Kristinayellow
    September 30th, 2011 @ 1:12 pm

    Maybe you need a yummy glass of wine out on your patio this evening? Enjoy the lovely weather, the fresh air, and let J run around? 🙂

  11. Anonymous
    September 30th, 2011 @ 1:29 pm

    I like this idea so much that I think I may move one of my chairs to the “new” patio and do just that when we get home tonight.

  12. Nellie
    September 30th, 2011 @ 3:52 pm

    Here is some sunshine to help with your rainbows.
    http://theblogofnell.blogspot.com/2011/03/booger-style-cuteness.html

  13. Catherine
    September 30th, 2011 @ 5:14 pm

    Oh how I love to read your posts. So real. And reading this reminded me of an article I read a while ago that has helped me navigate the difficult, sad, and just downright awful times since (as well as the beautiful, bright, and peaceful). Thought you might like to read it:

    http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Julianna-Margulies-Aha-Moment

  14. Lisathehomeceo
    September 30th, 2011 @ 9:37 pm

    my mom just had her scans done. THREE times. The first, was inconclusive. the second, they couldn’t read it correctly. she had to go in a third time after 3 weeks of testing, doctors, scans etc. we had “the talk” if it’s back, would she fight it, or would she say she fought a good fight, and now it’s time to go. every day felt like a thousand years. luckily, after a month of uncertainty, the results were negative.
    Even when you have nothing, you always have hope.

  15. beachmum
    September 30th, 2011 @ 10:30 pm

    I think your blog provides sunshine for so many. Your messages are powerful and beautifully written. Now about that wine on the patio…..

  16. Kir
    October 4th, 2011 @ 1:57 pm

    sending prayer for your friend and some COLOR , as much as I can bundle up and send your way for the RAINBOW. I’m thinking lots of colorful thoughts for you (and her) HUGS

  17. What We’re Reading This Week: October 5th — It Builds Character
    October 4th, 2011 @ 9:59 pm

    […] Post Parents: Finding Their Passion… Really?Sellabitmum: Capturing Joy…Spilled Milk: Chasing A RainbowFeminist Breeder: Would You Ask Me That Question If I Were A Man?Mom Spark: How To Get Blogging […]

  • Creative Commons License
    Spilled Milk (and Other Atrocities) by Law Momma is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
    Based on a work at http://www.law-momma.com.
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